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Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than
move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty
swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot.
Everything but the golfball. It sat in the same spot.
So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and
ants went flying again. The golf ball didn't even wiggle.
Two ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other, "Whoa! What are we
going to do?"
Said the other ant: "I don't know about you, but I'm going to get on
the ball."
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Here are the reasons I'd Like to thank Wal-Mart, K-Mart, Target, and
my local grocer for having 25 checkout lanes and only three open at
any given time.
-- Waiting in long lines keeps my domestic brain from going completely
idle -- there's so much to learn!
- I can catch up on my magazine reading without buying any.
- I have time to leave my cart in line and run back to get the 13
things on my list I forgot.
- I can be one of those annoying cell phone users and catch up on all
my phone calls to my insurance agent, mother-in-law, and Auntie Anne.
- I can catch a quick catnap now rather than on the drive home.
- I can assess what other people have in their carts and get exciting
new dinner ideas.
- I can finally apply my top coat of nail polish with plenty of drying
time.
- I can run next door and pick up my dry cleaning.
- I can update my coupon organizer and leave the trash in the
we-never-open-enough-checkout-lanes store instead of my purse.
- I can practice my standup comedy routines on unsuspecting fellow
customers.
- I can practice some standing yoga poses and then do those isometric
muscle-contracting exercises no one else in line is supposed to know
you're doing.
- I can taste test my package of the newest low-carb, zero-transfat,
Splenda-saturated cookies.
- I can breathe heavily on my T-bones so they're defrosted in time for
dinner and I won't have to leave them out on the driveway in the hot
late afternoon sun as I normally do.
|
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When we moved cross-country, my wife and I decided to drive both of
our cars. Nathan, our eight-year-old, worriedly asked, "How will we
keep from getting separated?"
"We'll drive slowly so that one car can follow the other," I reassured
him.
"Yeah, but what if we DO get separated?" he persisted.
"Well, then I guess we'll never see each other again," I quipped.
"Okay," he said. "I'm riding with Mom."
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Billy had reached school age. His mother managed with a blast of
propaganda to make him enthusiastic about the idea.
She bought him lots of new clothes, told him of the new friends he'd
meet, and so on.
When the first day came, Billy eagerly went off and came back home
with a lot of glowing reports about school.
The next morning when his mother woke him up, he asked, "What for?"
She told him it was time to get ready for school.
"What?" he asked. "Again?"
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The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its
annual contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate
meanings for common words. Here are some of the selected results.
-- Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
-- Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have
gained.
-- Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
-- Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
-- Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly
answer the door in your nightgown.
-- Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
-- Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
-- Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are
run over by a steamroller.
-- Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
-- Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with
'Yiddishisms'.
-- Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul
flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
=========================================================================
| Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by:
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Former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is the guy who told his
wife he was going for a hike and then went to Argentina to see his
girlfriend. He was then exposed as an unethical, lying, cheating
weasel. In a stunning comeback, he has been elected to Congress, where
he’ll fit right in.
Jay Leno
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What can I say? The voters of South Carolina have spoken. Mark Sanford
beat my sister, and I believe that means Mark Sanford is now my
sister. And on behalf of my entire family, I want to say we’re
deeply sorry about him. My sister lost. How could this happen? I was
so sure Lulu had won because CNN called it for Sanford.
Stephen Colbert
|
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says he’s still adjusting after
his surgery to reduce how much he can eat. He said, ‘I now have six
free hours a day I don’t know what to do with.’
Conan O'Brien
|
Yesterday, Delaware became the most recent state to legalize same-sex
marriage. That marks the 11th state to make same-sex marriage legal
and the first thing I know about Delaware.
Jimmy Fallon
=======================================================================
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Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It
plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two
no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me
sew.
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Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play
cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
"Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time,
but I just can't remember your name. I've thought and thought, but I
can't recall it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just looked
at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
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The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he
could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of
making fun of one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you
put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's
wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building
that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the young guy replied.
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.
Then he turned to the young man and said, "Alright. Get in."
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A mild mannered man was tired of his wife always bossing him around,
so he went to a psychiatrist. The doctor told him he had to develop
self-esteem. The doctor gave him a booklet on assertiveness training,
which he read on the way home.
When he walked through the door and his wife came to greet him, he
told her, "From now on I'm the man of this house and my word is law.
When I come home from work, I want my dinner on the table.
"Now go upstairs and lay me some clothes on the bed, because I'm going
out with the boys tonight. Then draw my bath.
"When I get out of the tub, guess who's going to dress me and comb my
hair?"
"The undertaker," she replied.
=======
| Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by:
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His mother was now living in Miami Beach and the young man didn't see
her that often. His father was no longer around and he was worried
that Mom was lonely. For her birthday, he purchased a rare parrot,
trained to speak seven languages. He had a courier deliver the bird to
his dear mother. A few days later, he called.
"Ma, what do you think of the bird?"
"The bird was good, but a little tough. I should have cooked it
longer."
"You ate the bird? Ma, the bird was very expensive. It spoke seven
languages!"
"Oh, excuse me. But, if the bird was so smart, why didn't it say
something when I put it in the oven?"
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Sponsor
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- You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom and stop to check your
E-mail on the way back to bed.
- You name your children Eudora, AOL and dotcom.
- You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as if you
just pulled the plug on a loved one.
- You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap and
your child in the overhead compartment.
- You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just
for the free internet access.
- You laugh at people with 14.4 baud modems.
- You start using smileys in your snail mail.
- You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word
processor.com
- You can't call your mother because she doesn't have a modem.
- You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it
again.
- You don't know what gender three of your closest friends are,
because they have neutral screennames and you never bothered to ask.
- You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you
Landscape
- You tell the cab driver you live at
http://1000.garden/house/brick.html
- You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
- After reading this, you immediately e-mail it to your friends.
|
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A butcher was minding his store one day, when a dog ran in and stole a
cut of meat off his counter. The butcher recognized the dog as
belonging to his neighbor who was a lawyer. He called up his neighbor
and said, "Your dog stole meat from my store. I believe you owe me for
the meat."
The lawyer said "You are correct. How much was the meat?"
The butcher told him that it cost $4.50, the lawyer replied that the
butcher should receive a check for that amount in the mail the next
day.
The next day, the check arrived in the mail for $4.50, with a bill
attached for $150 "for legal consultation."
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A farmer walked into a bar with his pig and ordered a drink. The
bartender could not help asking the man why his pig had a peg leg.
"Well, you see," said the farmer, "this is an amazing pig. Why, two
years ago, my son was chopping wood in the field when a tree collapsed
on him, pinning him to the ground and making breathing difficult. The
pig, which was in the area, ran to get assistance and, squealing
loudly, led us to my son to rescue him."
"You're right, that is an amazing story. But why does your pig have a
peg leg?"
This is no ordinary pig," the farmer continued. "One night while we
were sleeping, our barn caught fire and the pig managed to squeeze
through a little hole in the wall and circle our house, squealing as
loud as it could to wake us up. We were able to save all of the
animals."
"Wow. Incredible. But why does the pig have a peg leg?"
"Wait. Once, our home caught on fire. The pig managed to run to the
next house over and wake the neighbors, who were able to save us and
help put out the fire."
"Okay, okay! The pig is amazing. But why the peg leg?" the bartender
demanded.
"An amazing pig like this. You can't eat it all at once."
|
==========================================================================
| okes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by:
|
(May 20, 2013) - Do not pay your car insurance bill... until you read this.
Out of all 246 auto insurers, we found these important "hidden" discounts.
* After reporting on the hidden discounts, 789,000 drivers
used this one tip to get extreme insurance discounts.
* Recently reported: if you're just with "any" auto insurer,
you may be overpaying by 75%.
Click here -- to see the insurance discounts you'll get.
|
|
- Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a
conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.
- Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip
greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
- Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction
of "yonder."
- Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, . as in:
"Going to town, be back directly."
- Only a Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not
use the term, but they know the concept well.
- Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of
solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried
chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble
is a real crisis, they also know to add a large peach cobbler!
- Only a Southerner grows up knowing the difference between "right
near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the
road" can be 1 mile or 20.
- Only a Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old
ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,"Bless her heart"
and go your own way.
|
Sponsor
|
|
- Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh
largest country in the world, Mexifornia ( formerly California).
- White minorities still trying to have English recognized as
Mexifornia's third language.
- Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and
livestock.
- Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.
- Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory
of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq , Afghanistan , Syria and
Lebanon ).
- Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10
more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
- Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and
reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
- 85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight
loss.
- Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil
rights.
- New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly
swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
- IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
- Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.
|
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A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A
little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called,
"What've you got in your truck?"
"Fertilizer," the farmer replied.
"What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy.
"Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer.
"You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar
and cream on ours."
|
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A priest was preparing a man for his long journey into the night.
Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know
how little you think of his evil."
The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing.
The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his
evil?"
The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I
ought to aggravate anybody."
|
| Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by:
|
(May 20, 2013) - Do not pay your car insurance bill... until you read this.
Out of all 246 auto insurers, we found these important "hidden" discounts.
* After reporting on the hidden discounts, 789,000 drivers
used this one tip to get extreme insurance discounts.
* Recently reported: if you're just with "any" auto insurer,
you may be overpaying by 75%.
Click here -- to see the insurance discounts you'll get.
|
|
|
Top Ten Signs You're Watching a Bad Science Fiction Movie
10. It's called "Journey to the Center of Chris Christie"
9.
Takes place eight minutes in the future
8. It's rated 'R' for
brief robot nudity
7. Recreates the history of the galaxy in
real time
6. Monsters don't come out during the day or the
night
5. People wear more aluminum foil than seems believable
4. The entire film is home video shot by a guy riding space
mountain
3. Alien villain portrayed by a spray-painted chimp
2. Introduces Darth Vader's sister, Ruth Vader Ginsburg
1.
It's two hours of a guy polishing his phaser
David Letterman
|
Sponsor
|
This week marks the 40th anniversary of the Watergate hearings. For
those of you too young to remember, back then the administration had
an enemies list. They were spying on reporters, and they used the IRS
to harass groups they didn't like. Thank God those days are gone
forever.
Jay Leno
|
President Obama is not having a good week. With three scandals shaking
the White House, they're saying this is one of the worst weeks of
Obama's presidency. Obama was like, 'How could things get worse?' And
Joe Biden was like, 'You rang?'
Jimmy Fallon
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China announced it will no longer buy recycled trash from the U.S. I
don't have a joke here. I'd just like to give a round of applause to
whatever genius has been selling trash to China.
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