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Late Night Funny #1
There is no such thing as an impartial jury because there are no impartial people. There are people that argue on the web for hours about who their favorite character on "Friends" is.
A Classic Jon Stewart Late Night Quote |
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Late Night Funny #2
Here's the point - you're looking at affirmative action, and you're looking at marijuana. You legalize marijuana, no need for quotas, because really, who's gonna wanna work?
A Classic Jon Stewart Late Night Quote |
Late Night Funny #3
You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work. I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything. Yes, I want to look back and know that I was terrible at a variety of things.
A Classic Jon Stewart Late Night Quote |
Late Night Funny #4
Many of our soldiers are stationed at Camp Coyote just south of the Iraqi border. This is how you know we have a strong army, when you can actually tell your enemy exactly where your camp is and what its name is.
A Classic Jon Stewart Late Night Quote |
Mobile Comics Apps
Enjoy your favorite comics like Zits, Baby Blues, BC, Wizard of Id, Dennis the Menace -- and many more -- from your mobile devices.
The Funnies app's newest version was released last week and includes much easier navigation. The App now costs $1.99 (lifetime). For Droid users, go to https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.arcamax.funnies For the IPhone app, go to https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/funnies/id578259615?ls=1 Each app includes more than 75 of the ArcaMax cartoon lineup. With this app, you can mark your Favorites and view them daily without having to browse through the whole list. Enjoy! -- From the ArcaMax editors |
Προσωπικο ημερολόγιο μαζί με διάφορες σκέψεις
Δευτέρα 7 Ιανουαρίου 2013
ΒΡΑΔΥΝΑ ΑΝΕΚΔΟΤΑ 3/1/2013
ΑΝΕΚΔΟΤΑ 4/1/2012
| Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by: |
Lose Belly Fat Naturally in the Next 14 Days America's Most Trusted Doctor is claiming this weird food is the cure for burning fat fast for almost every body type. An average weight loss of 18lbs with NO changes in diet or exercise! If you want to finally lose weight in 2013, then you owe it to yourself to Click Here Right Now While This Video is Still Available |
What Would Jesus Drive?
Most people assume WWJD is for "What would Jesus do?" But the initials really stand for "What would Jesus drive?"
One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because "the Bible says God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury." But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm." Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are warned not to go up a mountain "until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast." Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, "For I did not speak of my own Accord." Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring, "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills." Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler: "Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land." And, following the Master's lead, the Apostles car-pooled in a Honda: "The Apostles were in one Accord." |
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More Applied Mathematics
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die. MEMORY Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing. APPEARANCE Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. PROPENSITY TO CHANGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. COMPREHENSION There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage. HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED: Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. |
The Art Collector
A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store. He does a double take.
He knows that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars. The store owner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale." The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you 20 dollars for that cat." And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat. The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish." The owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats." |
Enough is Enough
One night recently, my phone rang several times throughout the evening. Each time, a woman's voice asked for Ben.
Each time I politely explained that I lived alone, my name wasn't Ben, and she had a wrong number. The fifth time she called, I had had enough. "Hello?" I said. "Can I speak to Ben, please?" I replied, "I'm sorry, he's not in right now. Can I take a message?" "Do you know what time he'll be back?" she responded. "I think he said he'd be home around 10:00." Silence on the other end... a confused silence. "Is this Steve?" "Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?" "Well... he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him," she said in a slightly irritated voice. I replied, "Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago and said that he would be back at 10:00." A shocked voice now: "Who's Karen?!" "The girl he went out with." "I know that! I mean... who is she?" "I don't know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a message for Ben?" "Yes... please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home." She was sounding pretty irate at this point. "I sure will. Is this Jennifer?" She exploded, "Who's Jennifer?" Apparently she wasn't. "Well... he's going out with Jennifer at 10:00. I thought you were her. Sorry... it was an honest mistake." "Ben's the one that's made the mistake! Tell him that Alice called him and the she's very upset and that I would like him to call me as soon as he gets home." I smiled and said, "Okay, I will... but Becky isn't going to like this..." |
Free Classic Comics from ArcaMax
Start your morning with a laugh -- get free classic comics like Garfield and Peanuts delivered directly to you by e-mail every day from ArcaMax Comics.
ArcaMax has dozens of comics to choose from, all free to read on the website as well as by e-mail. Subscribe to Garfield instantly. Subscribe to Peanuts instantly. Check out all of ArcaMax's comics. |
ΒΡΑΔΥΝΑ ΑΝΕΚΔΟΤΑ 4/1/2013
| Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by: |
Lose Belly Fat Naturally in the Next 14 Days America's Most Trusted Doctor is claiming this weird food is the cure for burning fat fast for almost every body type. An average weight loss of 18lbs with NO changes in diet or exercise! If you want to finally lose weight in 2013, then you owe it to yourself to Click Here Right Now While This Video is Still Available |
Editor's Note: You receive Late Night Jokes because you are subscribed to the Jokes ezine. This PM edition is sent Monday through Friday.
Click here to stop receiving the evening edition. |
Late Night Funny #1
Barbara Walters chose General David Petraeus as the most fascinating person of 2012. What a coincidence. So did Paula Broadwell
Jay Leno |
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Late Night Funny #2
Barbara Walters’ ‘Ten Most Fascinating People’ show was on last night. Number one was General Petraeus. I think if this guy was a little less fascinating he would probably still have his job.
David Letterman |
Late Night Funny #3
HBO is planning a new movie similar to ‘Game Change,’ but based on the 2012 election. The network said they’re not sure who will play Mitt Romney — then Mitt Romney said, ‘Hey, I’m not doing anything.’
Jimmy Fallon |
Late Night Funny #4
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says he hired a personal trainer. The trainer makes him do two laps around the Cinnabon before going in.
Conan O'Brien |
Free Classic Comics from ArcaMax
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ΑΝΕΚΔΟΤΑ 5/1/2013
| Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by: |
Enter to win the keys to a brand new Lexus(R)GS!
Just take a short survey, and you'll be automatically entered to win. Don't want a new car? Then take the $50,000 cash instead. Enter here |
The Island
From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.
"Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain. "I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts." |
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Hippopotamus, New York
A woman called to make reservations "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"
"Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered. "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal" was the reply. |
Aisle Seat
I had someone ask for an aisle seat on the plane so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
|
Don't Touch Me
An elderly couple are both lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me".
"Why not", he asks. She answers back, "Because I'm dead". The husband says to her, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another". The wife says, "No, I'm definitely dead." Her husband insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?" His wife answers, "I know I'm dead because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts!" |
ΑΝΕΚΔΟΤΑ 6/1/2012
| Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by: | ||||||||
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Make Life More Enjoyable
- Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.
- Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb. - Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally. - No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off. - Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected). - If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed. | ||||||||
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Eggplants
A grocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25 each -- three for a dollar."
All day long, customers came in exclaiming: "Don't be ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!" Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four eggplants. The tailor next door had been watching these antics and finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix the mistake on your sign?" "What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant." | ||||||||
Two Engineering Students
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied,
"Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit." | ||||||||
Pizza Coupon
Dispatching her ten-year-old son to pick up a pizza, my sister handed him money and a two-dollar coupon.
Later he came home with the pizza, and the coupon. When asked to explain, he replied, "Mom, I had enough money. I didn't need the coupon." | ||||||||
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ΑΝΕΚΔΟΤΑ 7/1/2013
Retail Experience
Rossi was the manager of an upscale men's wear store in a wealthy section of town and was interviewing Abe for the recently advertised salesman role.
Rossi looks at Abe's resume and notices that Abe has never worked in retail before. Rossi says to Abe, "What chutzpah, if you don't mind me saying. For someone with no retail experience, you are certainly asking for a high salary." "Well I suppose I am," Abe replies, "but you must understand that the work is so much harder when you don't know what you're doing." | ||||||||||||
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Nervous Flyer
I am a very nervous flyer. During a trip from California to Indiana, it didn't help that my connecting flight from Denver was delayed twice because of mechanical problems. Then, after we were aloft, I noticed the lights began flickering. I mentioned this to a flight attendant.
"I'll take care of it," she said. Moments later the lights went out. Clearly she'd solved the problem by turning off the lights. A passenger across the aisle who had been listening leaned over and said, "Whatever you do, please don't ask about the engines." | ||||||||||||
Driver's Ed
A police officer stopped a car which was zigzagging alarmingly and asked the driver what he was doing.
"I am learning to drive." was the reply. "What? without an instructor?" exclaimed the officer. "Oh yes," answered the driver."It's a correspondence course." | ||||||||||||
Laws for Parents
- A child's behavior will improve in proportion to the distance she is away from the parent.
- Two is equal to two, except when referring to time. Two minutes of tantrum lasts 20 times as long as two minutes of quiet time. - The choice of a preschooler's best friend corresponds directly to the distance the friend lives from your house. - The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly proportional to the size of the mess in your home. - A child will always eat exactly what she has loved for the past year---unless it is the only food in the fridge. - The ease with which a toddler acquires the ability to say a word increases with its likelihood to embarrass a sailor. | ||||||||||||
Free Classic Comics from ArcaMax
Start your morning with a laugh -- get free classic comics like Garfield and Peanuts delivered directly to you by e-mail every day from ArcaMax Comics.
ArcaMax has dozens of comics to choose from, all free to read on the website as well as by e-mail. Subscribe to Garfield instantly. Subscribe to Peanuts instantly. Check out all of ArcaMax's comics. -- From the ArcaMax editors | ||||||||||||
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Τετάρτη 2 Ιανουαρίου 2013
ΑΝΕΚΔΟΤΑ 1/1/2013
Florist Mistake
On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy".
While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card. "Oh, it's alright." said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen." "But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party." "Well, what did it say?" ask the storekeeper. "'Congratulations on your new location'." was the reply. |
Nerd Overpopulation
This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "Nerds Not Allowed - Enter At Your Own Risk!" He goes in and sits down.
The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says, "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?" The truck driver says, "I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I am hauling." The bartender says, "Okay, truck drivers are not nerds." and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver said, totally shocked, "Why did you do that?" The bartender said, "Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license." The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season." "Well, sure," said the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em." |
Magical Compact
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk, and leans down to pick it up.
She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!" |
Job Search Woes
Catherine, a RN, was unhappy with her job, so she submitted her resignation. She was sure she'd have no trouble finding a new position, because of the nursing shortage in her area.
She e-mailed cover letters to dozens of potential employers and attached her resume to each one. Two weeks later, Catherine was dismayed and bewildered that she had not received even one request for an interview. Finally she received a message from a prospective employer that explained the reason she hadn't heard from anyone else. It read: "Your resume was not attached as stated. I do, however, want to thank you for the vegetable lasagna recipe." |
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