| Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by: |
Three Kinds of Sleep Problems Wreak Havoc With Your Sweet DreamsAnd none of the natural remedies you’ve taken has helped. You still spend most nights tossing and turning - and watching the minutes crawl by. The good news is... Scientists have uncovered the underlying cause of each of those frustrating sleep problems. Click here now to find out what it is - and discover a simple way to reverse them so you can finally get the deep, refreshing sleep you deserve.
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Church feuds are not uncommon, especially among cliques in the congregation. But when the pastor and choir director get into it, stand aside.
One week our preacher preached on commitment, and how we should dedicate ourselves to service. The director then led the choir in singing, 'I Shall Not Be Moved.'
The next Sunday, the preacher preached on giving and how we should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The choir director then led the song, 'Jesus Paid It All.'
The next Sunday, the preacher preached on gossiping and how we should watch our tongues. The hymn was 'I Love To Tell The Story.'
The preacher became disgusted over the situation, and the next Sunday he told the congregation he was considering resigning. The choir then sang 'Oh, Why Not Tonight.'
When the preacher resigned the next week, he told the church that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was taking him away. The choir then sang, 'What A Friend We Have in Jesus.'
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Element name: WOMAN.
Symbol: WO.
Atomic weight: 'Don't even go there'.
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum,and precious gemstones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
Element name: MAN.
Symbol: XY.
Atomic weight: (180 +/- 50).
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature. Gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to age and rust, older samples are unable to conduct electricity as well as younger samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (child) for prolonged periods of time. Can be neutralised by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
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- A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
- An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.
- Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.
- Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.
- Although cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.
- Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.
- Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
- Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.
- Dogs may shed, but cats shred.
- Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful
- I had to get rid of my husband. The cat was allergic.
- I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.
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- I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult?
- If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket then giving Fido only two of them.
- In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.
- No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.
- Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
- People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life.
- Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane.
- Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.
- We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at it from their point of view: why do humans keep peeing into their water bowls?
- When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.
- Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
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Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by: |
Three Kinds of Sleep Problems Wreak Havoc With Your Sweet DreamsAnd none of the natural remedies you’ve taken has helped. You still spend most nights tossing and turning - and watching the minutes crawl by. The good news is... Scientists have uncovered the underlying cause of each of those frustrating sleep problems. Click here now to find out what it is - and discover a simple way to reverse them so you can finally get the deep, refreshing sleep you deserve.
|
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Do you believe Dennis Rodman is still talking about Kim Jong Un? It’s not a good sign when the friend who’s trying to explain that you’re not crazy is Dennis Rodman. That’s not the guy I would send out for my sanity test. Dennis Rodman claims the FBI wants to hire him as an informant. That makes sense because the first thing you want to do is to tell everyone you’re an FBI informant. Conan O'Brien |
Sponsor
Congratulations! You've been selected to participate in Game Console Rewards' New Console promotion. Don't wait another second! Get the new PS4(R) FREE, details apply. The highly anticipated gaming system pushes the boundaries, with the DUALSHOCK(R) 4 controller, precise camera, and breathtaking gameplay. To get your PS4(R), please follow this link. |
Federal law enforcement agencies say they believe it’s from the same person who sent ricin to a Republican senator yesterday. At least he’s bipartisan. Jimmy Kimmel |
Why does the government charge us postage to send in our tax returns? We have to pay them to pay them. It’s like giving a slice back to the pizza delivery guy. How about you just deduct 75 cents from what I already paid? Jimmy Kimmel |
President Obama offered to wash senators’ cars if it would lead to an immigration bill. Senators then told Obama, ‘If you’re going to wash our cars, why do we need immigrants?' Conan O'Brien |
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