| Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by: |
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One of my husband's duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them, "There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!"
Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked, "What is the first rule?"
Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"
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A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."
So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Services will be at Downing Funeral Home on Monday the 12th. Due to the condition of the body, this will be a closed casket service. Please send your donations to the "Think Before You Say Things To Your Wife Foundation," Dallas, Texas.
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The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
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Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
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Video Game News and Reviews
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| Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by: |
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North Korea is now threatening the United States with all-out war. What did Dennis Rodman say to these people? What did he do?
Jay Leno |
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North Korea is warning the U.S. that war with South Korea may break out at any minute. Or as Obama put it, ‘Can’t believe I’m doing this. Get me Dennis Rodman’.
Jimmy Fallon |
Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano – the person in charge of our national security – recently said she doesn’t email, text, or tweet. So remember: If you see something, say something – because there’s literally no other way she’ll get the message.
Jimmy Fallon |
Ashley Judd announced she will not be running for Senate in Kentucky against Mitch McConnell. And Mitch McConnell announced he will not be co-starring in any romantic comedies with Matthew McConaughey.
Jay Leno |
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Video Game News and Reviews
Everyone's buzzing about the new PS4 -- but how much of the buzz is good? Check out one reviewer's opinion on the upcoming console and what it means for the future of gaming.
ArcaMax Games has something for everyone, including interactive crossword and sudoku puzzles, chess challenges, and daily brain teasers.
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| Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by: |
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Church feuds are not uncommon, especially among cliques in the congregation. But when the pastor and choir director get into it, stand aside.
One week our preacher preached on commitment, and how we should dedicate ourselves to service. The director then led the choir in singing, 'I Shall Not Be Moved.'
The next Sunday, the preacher preached on giving and how we should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The choir director then led the song, 'Jesus Paid It All.'
The next Sunday, the preacher preached on gossiping and how we should watch our tongues. The hymn was 'I Love To Tell The Story.'
The preacher became disgusted over the situation, and the next Sunday he told the congregation he was considering resigning. The choir then sang 'Oh, Why Not Tonight.'
When the preacher resigned the next week, he told the church that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was taking him away. The choir then sang, 'What A Friend We Have in Jesus.'
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Element name: WOMAN.
Symbol: WO.
Atomic weight: 'Don't even go there'.
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum,and precious gemstones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
Element name: MAN.
Symbol: XY.
Atomic weight: (180 +/- 50).
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature. Gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to age and rust, older samples are unable to conduct electricity as well as younger samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (child) for prolonged periods of time. Can be neutralised by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
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- A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
- An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.
- Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.
- Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.
- Although cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.
- Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.
- Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
- Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.
- Dogs may shed, but cats shred.
- Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful
- I had to get rid of my husband. The cat was allergic.
- I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.
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- I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult?
- If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket then giving Fido only two of them.
- In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.
- No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.
- Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
- People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life.
- Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane.
- Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.
- We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at it from their point of view: why do humans keep peeing into their water bowls?
- When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.
- Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
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