| Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by: |
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Fancy CookingTwo confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it." "Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second. "You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - Take a clean dish and...." |
Airport Mistletoe
It was the beginning of December. The trip had gone reasonably well, and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other hand had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.
Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.
Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and "pointier" parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.
With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the lady attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."
"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."
(pause)
"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."
"That's not why it's there."
(pause)
"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"
"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye
Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.
Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and "pointier" parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.
With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the lady attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."
"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."
(pause)
"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."
"That's not why it's there."
(pause)
"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"
"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye
Animal FunniesWhat do you get if you cross a cow with a camel? Lumpy milkshakes! What is the definition of a goose? An animal that grows down as it grows up! Why did Bo Peep lose her sheep? She had a crook with her! What do you give a pony with a cold? Cough Stirrup! What animal always goes to bed with its shoes on? A horse! |
The Worm
What is the best advice to give to worm?
Sleep late!
What's the difference between a worm and an apple?
Have you ever tried worm pie?
What do you get if you cross a glow worm with some beer?
Light ale!
Why do worms taste like chewing gum?
Because they're wrigleys!
What makes a glow worm glow?
A light meal!
What did the maggot say to his friend when he got stuck in an apple?
Worm your way out of that one!
What happened to the glow worm who was squashed?
He was de-lighted!
What's a glow worms favorite song?
Wake me up before you glow glow
Sleep late!
What's the difference between a worm and an apple?
Have you ever tried worm pie?
What do you get if you cross a glow worm with some beer?
Light ale!
Why do worms taste like chewing gum?
Because they're wrigleys!
What makes a glow worm glow?
A light meal!
What did the maggot say to his friend when he got stuck in an apple?
Worm your way out of that one!
What happened to the glow worm who was squashed?
He was de-lighted!
What's a glow worms favorite song?
Wake me up before you glow glow
Why did the sparrow go to the library?
It was looking for bookworms!
What is life like for a wood worm?
Boring!
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