ΑΝΕΚΔΟΤΑ 2/2/2013

Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by:

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Acts 2:38 A woman went into her kitchen to find a burglar loaded down with a bunch of stuff he was stealing from her kitchen. Not having any kind of weapon to scare him off, she raised her hand and said "Acts 2:38," and proceeded to quote scripture. The burglar froze in place and didn't move. The woman called 911, the police arrived and were amazed to find the burglar still frozen where he stood. "What did you say to him that kept him from moving?" they asked the woman. She told them that she had simply said Acts 2:38 and quoted scripture. The police chuckled and escorted the burglar out to the patrol car. "Why did the woman's quoting scripture scare you so much?" they asked. "Scripture?" said the burglar, "I thought she said she had an ax and two 38's!" Print | Comment | Tweet It | Facebook It

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Singing Fish Jimmy: 'Hey, Mike! How's your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special.' Mike: 'To tell the truth, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.' Jimmy: 'What? Let me get this straight... You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird?' Mike: 'Well, yeah. After all, you know, he's a parrot fish.' Jimmy: 'Now listen, Mike, while you might be able to teach a parrot to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish.' Mike: 'That's what you think! It just so happens this fish CAN sing. The thing is, he's terribly off-key and it's driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?' Print | Comment | Tweet It | Facebook It

Definitions The Washington Post asked readers to take any word from the dictionary... alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter... and supply a new definition! 1) Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. 2) Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. 3) Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. 4) Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. 5) Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. 6) Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. 7) Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. 8) Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. Print | Comment | Tweet It | Facebook It

My Father Wouldn't Like It A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off. "You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand." "No thanks," said the young man, "My father wouldn't like it." "Don't be silly," the minister replied, "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water." Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!" "Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the hay." Print | Comment | Tweet It | Facebook It

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