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Pirate Blackbeard's ship license had expired so he went into the
shipping license office and got a new one, but on the new one he
needed an updated photo of himself.
So, Pirate Blackbeard went into the photographer's room and asked to
have his photo taken. The photographer obliged and said, "Ok, please
pose front on" and took a photo.
He need to take another photo so he asked Blackbeard to "Please
Poseidon!"
Oxygen meets up with Potassium and Sodium.
"Hey," says Oxygen, "Do you want to go to a movie?"
"K" responds Potassium.
"Na" responds Sodium.
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Issac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, chickens in
motion tend to cross roads.
Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally
selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to
cross roads.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road
moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Oliver Stone: The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?
But is rather, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we
overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
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Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed
the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were
quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Heisenberg: Because the chicken is moving very fast, you can either
observe the chicken or you can measure its speed, but you cannot do
both.
Jean Foucault: It didn’t. The rotation of the earth made it appear
to cross.
Galileo: To get a better look at the stars.
Ohm: There was more resistance on this side of the road.
Pascal: It was pressured to cross the road.
Volta: The other side had more potential.
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Hawking: There exist numerous parallel universes in which the same
chicken is in differing stages of crossing the road. Only when one of
the chickens has completed crossing the road do their ave functions
coallesce.
Buckminister Fuller: Because we have not yet designed and implemented
true, constantly forwardly/backwardly evolving, energy-transforming
living machines which will enable us to perform all functions from the
informedly turbining hub of a single autonomous
in-spiralling/out-radiating network of space-connected information
vector transforms. Had the chicken been supplied with my Dymaxion
Tensegrity Coop, it would have remained at home, un-tempted by such
risky spatial-temporal translations.
Grandpa: In our days, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was
good enough for us.
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There once was a lady named Bright,
Who traveled much faster
than light,
She went out one day,
In a relative way,
And returned on the previous night!
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| Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by:
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(June 3, 2013) - Do not pay your car insurance bill... until you read this.
Out of all 246 auto insurers, we found these important "hidden" discounts.
* After reporting on the hidden discounts, 789,000 drivers
used this one tip to get extreme insurance discounts.
* Recently reported: if you're just with "any" auto insurer,
you may be overpaying by 75%.
Click here -- to see the insurance discounts you'll get.
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An infinite number of mathematicians are lined up at a bar. The first
orders a beer. The second orders a half a beer. The third orders one
fourth of a beer. The fourth orders one eighth of a beer. The fifth is
about to order one sixteenth of a beer, but finally, the bartender
says, 'This is ridiculous,' pours two beers, and walks away.
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Sponsor
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This post happily existed in all possible states before you observed
it. Now it has collapsed into a single state. I hope you're satisfied.
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If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
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Argon walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out, we don't allow
noble gases in here!"
Argon does not react.
| Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by:
|
(June 3, 2013) - Do not pay your car insurance bill... until you read this.
Out of all 246 auto insurers, we found these important "hidden" discounts.
* After reporting on the hidden discounts, 789,000 drivers
used this one tip to get extreme insurance discounts.
* Recently reported: if you're just with "any" auto insurer,
you may be overpaying by 75%.
Click here -- to see the insurance discounts you'll get.
|
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Casual Friday today in the Obama White House. Which means they're
casually going through everyone's phone records.
Jay Leno
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Sponsor
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Pope Francis made an extremely controversial statement. He says he
believes anyone can go to heaven if you do good deeds, even atheists.
Some Catholics were upset by his comments because it means we wasted a
lot of Sundays going to church. It would be fun to let atheists into
heaven if for no other reason than to see the look on their faces when
they get there.
Jimmy Kimmel
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The latest scandal in Washington, of course, is raising questions
about the IRS. You know, I have a question. Why is it called the
Internal Revenue Service? How is having your money confiscated a
service?
Jay Leno
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As you may have heard, New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie recently had lap
band surgery. And some sad news: today the lap band snapped and killed
five bystanders.
Jay Leno
| Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by:
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Holy Shift! Look at the asymptote on that mother function!
i says to Pi: get rational
Pi says to i: get real
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Two male mathematicians are in a bar. The first one says to the second
that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The
second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a
reasonable amount of math.
The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence
the second calls over the waitress. He tells her that in a few
minutes, after his friend has returned, he will call her over and ask
her a question. All she has to do is answer one third x cubed.
She repeats "one thir -- dex cue"?
He repeats "one third x cubed".
Her: `one thir dex cuebd'? Yes, that's right, he says. So she agrees,
and goes off mumbling to herself, "one thir dex cuebd...".
The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his
point, that most people do know something about basic math. He says he
will ask the blonde waitress an integral, and the first laughingly
agrees. The second man calls over the waitress and asks "what is the
integral of x squared?".
The waitress says "one third x cubed" and while walking away, turns
back and says over her shoulder "plus a constant!"
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An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are staying in a hotel.
The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway
and sees a fire, so he fills a trash can from his room with water and
douses the fire. He goes back to bed.
Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and
sees a fire in the hallway.
He walks down the hall to a fire hose and after calculating the flame
velocity, distance, water pressure, trajectory, etc. extinguishes the
fire with the minimum amount of water and energy needed.
Later, the mathematician wakes up and smells smoke. He goes to the
hall, sees the fire and then the fire hose. He thinks for a moment and
then exclaims, "Ah, a solution exists!" and then goes back to bed.
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A mathematician and a Wall street broker went to races. The broker
suggested to bet $10,000 on a horse. The mathematician was sceptical,
saying that he wanted first to understand the rules, to look on
horses, etc. The broker whispered that he knew a secret algorithm for
the success, but he could not convince the mathematician.
"You are too theoretical," he said and bet on a horse. Surely, that
horse came first bringing him a lot of money.
Triumphantly, he exclaimed: "I told you, I knew the secret!"
"What is your secret?" the mathematician asked.
"It is rather easy. I have two kids, three and five year old. I sum up
their ages and I bet on number nine."
"But, three and five is eight," the mathematician protested.
"I told you, you are too theoretical!" the broker replied, "Haven't I
just shown experimentally, that my calculation is correct! 3+5=9!"
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The South Carolina couple planning a dolphin-assisted birth where they
have their baby while swimming with dolphins have to further infuriate
conservatives by claiming the whole thing is covered by Obamacare.
Also, they have to bring a photographer, because I for one want to see
the looks on their faces when those dolphins eat that baby.
Bill Maher
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Michele Bachmann isn't done until I say she's done! Oh, Michele with
your fourth-grade education and your google eyes, I'm going to miss
you. I need you, baby. Now, get back out there and keep saying things
that make you completely indistinguishable from Amanda Bynes.
Bill Maher
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If America makes a movie as sub-mental as "Fast and the Furious 6" and
the rest of the world pays to see it, they have to admit they're just
encouraging us. And don't call the next one "Fast and Furious 7." That
number if way too complicated for your fans. Call it, "Me Like Watch
Rock Play with Cars."
Bill Maher
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Pot is the new gay marriage. And, by that, I mean, it's the next
obvious civil rights issue that needs to fall. Now, if I asked you,
what has been the biggest change in American society over the past 20
years, what would you say? Instagram? Coconut water? Crocs? All
important. But, no. It's that a generation ago, the closest thing to
gay marriage was Liza Minnelli and David Guest. In 1988, only 10% of
Americans approved of gay marriage. Today, that figure is almost 60%.
So, what happened? What made gay marriage so normal so quickly? Now,
sure, part of it was "Dancing with the Stars." But, mostly, it was
because gays simply demanded it.
Bill Maher
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| Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by:
|
If Your Doctor Had His Way, You'd Be Popping Pills For The Rest Of Your Life!
That's why Dr. Michael Cutler took matters into his own hands and wrote an exclusive
e-book that blows the lid off the myths surrounding diabetes and provides easy,
effective strategies for controlling your blood sugar (maybe even reversing it)- safely
and naturally! Despite the medical establishment - Dr. Cutler is determined to get this 100%
FREE e-book into the hands of as many people as possible! No purchase necessary!
No strings attached! Just click here for your FREE copy NOW!
|
|
Q: What is the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
A: An etymologist would know the difference
|
Sponsor
|
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The passengers on a small plane are a quite surprised when the pilots
arrive.
The pilots walk up the aisle, both wearing dark glasses. One has a
seeing-eye dog, the other is tapping his way with a white-tipped cane.
The cockpit door closes, the engines start up.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway. People by the
windows realize they're heading right towards the water at the end of
the runway.
Panic ensues. Screams fill the air. At that very moment, the plane
lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little
sheepishly.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot. "Y'know, Bob," he
says. "One day they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna
die."
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Four farmers were seated at the bar in a tavern. At the table next to
them sat a young girl. The first man said, "I think it's WOOMB."
The second replied, "No, it must be WOOOOMBH."
The third said, "You both have it wrong -- it's WOOM."
The fourth stated, "No, it has to be WOOMMMMBBB."
At this, the young lady could stand it no longer. She got up, walked
over to the farmers and said, "Look. It's WOMB. That's it, that's all
there is to it." Then she left.
Eventually, one of the farmers broke the silence by saying, "Well. I
don't know. A young girl like that. I don't see how she could know.
I'll bet she's never even heard an elephant pass wind!"
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It is said that physicist Niels Bohr had a horseshoe hung above his
desk. It was correctly oriented, ends up, so that the "luck wouldn't
run out."
One day a friend saw it, and asked, "Why do you have that up there?
Surely you don't think it will bring good luck!"
Niels replied, "Of course I don't. That's the most ridiculous and
absurd claptrap I've ever heard. Of course I don't believe it would
bring good luck. However, I've been told that a horseshoe brings good
luck whether your believe in it or not..."
|
| Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by:
|
If Your Doctor Had His Way, You'd Be Popping Pills For The Rest Of Your Life!
That's why Dr. Michael Cutler took matters into his own hands and wrote an exclusive
e-book that blows the lid off the myths surrounding diabetes and provides easy,
effective strategies for controlling your blood sugar (maybe even reversing it)- safely
and naturally! Despite the medical establishment - Dr. Cutler is determined to get this 100%
FREE e-book into the hands of as many people as possible! No purchase necessary!
No strings attached! Just click here for your FREE copy NOW!
|
|
|
Top Ten Other Names Considered by Vin Diesel
10. Din Viesel
9. Dirk Nozzle
8. Don Cheadle
7. Van
Decal
6. Vindlebert Humperdiesel
5. Beef Recall
4.
Jean-Claude Van Diesel
3. Witch Hazel
2. Veal Schnitzel
1. Vin Cougar Mellendiesel
David Letterman
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Sponsor
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China is the winner in the Iraq war? They weren't even nominated!
China's not even in the running! Don't you have to be in a war to win
it? China... you've already beaten us in synchronized drumming, bear
cuteness, air chewability, and you've gotta take this from us too?
Jon Stewart
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By the way, I'm not a microbiologist so, in this story, I don't need
to see your virus porn. I don't know what that is! I have no idea if
that picture means "We're all gonna die!" or "Congratulations you're
having triplets!"
Jon Stewart
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Tonight I come to you with a heavy heart. And not just because my
pre-show cocktail is a bourbon and Nutella. No folks, I am ensaddened
by the recent announced retirement of "an" conservative giant Michelle
Bachmann. The congresswoman who represents Minnesota's "Valley of the
Dolls".
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