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Marine Biologist
A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins
that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls.
One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises. |
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Best Round of Golf
A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began
his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.
On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when
his cell phone rang.
It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant.... Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you!" "I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care, and you will be her care giver!" The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed. The doctor snickered and said, "I'm just messing with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?" |
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Signs You Are Getting Old
Your houseplants are alive, and you can’t smoke any of them.
Making whoopee in a twin bed is out of the question. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 6:00 a.m . is when you get up, not when you go to bed. You hear your favorite song in an elevator. You watch the Weather Channel. Your friends marry and divorce instead of “hook up” and “break up.” You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.” You’re the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won’t turn down the stereo. Older relatives feel comfortable telling whoopee jokes around you. You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up. |
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You Are Getting Old: The Signs
You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. You take naps. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good stuff.” You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time. “I just can’t drink the way I used to” replaces “I’m never going to drink that much again.” 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking “Oh no what the heck!”
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Προσωπικο ημερολόγιο μαζί με διάφορες σκέψεις
Δευτέρα 24 Ιουνίου 2013
Ανέκδοτα, 24/06/2013
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