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- I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird
religious cult?
- If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in
your pocket then giving Fido only two of them.
- In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone
should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore
him.
- No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as
the dog does.
- Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend. Inside of a
dog, it's too dark to read.
- People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life.
- Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great
Dane.
- Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have
never forgotten this.
- We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at
it from their point of view: why do humans keep peeing into their
water bowls?
- When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.
- Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax
and get used to the idea.
It seems like lately, President Obama cannot swing a dead cat without
hitting some sort of scandal. Which reminds me, what’s he doing with
all of these dead cats?
Stephen Colbert
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These White House scandals are not going away any time soon. I’ll
tell you how bad it’s looking for President Obama: People in Kenya
are now saying he’s 100 percent American.
Jay Leno
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A new report just came out. It says someone close to the president
knew about the IRS scandal and kept his mouth shut. In other words, we
can rule out Joe Biden.
Conan O'Brien
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uring a fundraiser yesterday, President Obama said there is a shortage
of common sense right now in Washington. At which point the people who
paid $5,000 a plate for their dinner applauded in agreement.
| Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by:
|
The Reason You're Tired All the Time
You used to have a ton of energy. But something changed... Now you feel tired all the time,
and don't know why. Its fatigue that goes beyond tired and sleepy... You're also suffering
from headaches... depression... fuzzy memory... food cravings... and allergies. Your doctor
says you're fine. Then why do you feel so lousy? It's time for answers... Scientists have
uncovered the overlooked condition behind your unexplained fatigue. Click here to find out
what it is – and discover the easiest, most effective way to get your energy and your life back.
|
|
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. Nearing the final curtain, he
suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies
wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted
himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom,
and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping
the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against
the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already
in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were
literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or, was it one final act of heroic love from his
devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table,
landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted;
the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly
bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand, shakingly made its way to a cookie at the
edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his
wife. "Stay out of those!" she said, "They're for the funeral."
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- Don't assume the telephone calls are coming from another house.
- When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see
if it's really dead.
- Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
- Don't go into the basement to check the power when the lights go
out!
- If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which
they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot
of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several
rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who
speak with somebody else's voice.
- When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER split up and go it
alone.
- Don't have sex. Especially if you've noticed a few of your friends
are missing!
- As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open a portal to Hell.
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-Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would
apply to any other house of the dead as well.
- If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find
out that it's just the cat, don't stand their sighing with relief, GET
THE HECK OUT!
- If appliances start operating by themselves, don't check for short
circuits; JUST GET OUT!
- Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.
- If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good
reason for it. Don't stop and look around.
- Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you
know what you're doing.
- If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at
least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that,
despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely
ambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
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- If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic
behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes,
increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.
- Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are
listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Arkham (you're in
trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small
town in Maine.
- If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to
the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that
it is strange because you thought you had 3/4 of a tank, shoot
yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and will most likely be
eaten.
- Beware of strangers bearing strange tools. For example: chainsaws,
staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines,
lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices
made from deceased companions.
- If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the
time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had
previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some
horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices
in your house.
|
| Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by:
|
The Reason You're Tired All the Time
You used to have a ton of energy. But something changed... Now you feel tired all the time,
and don't know why. Its fatigue that goes beyond tired and sleepy... You're also suffering
from headaches... depression... fuzzy memory... food cravings... and allergies. Your doctor
says you're fine. Then why do you feel so lousy? It's time for answers... Scientists have
uncovered the overlooked condition behind your unexplained fatigue. Click here to find out
what it is – and discover the easiest, most effective way to get your energy and your life back.
|
|
|
During a Senate hearing yesterday, Senator John McCain said it was too
hard to always have to update apps on his iPhone. No one has the heart
to tell him the device he was holding was a garage door opener.
Conan O'Brien
|
|
Sponsor
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Just take a short survey, and you'll be automatically entered to win.
Don't want a new car? Then take the $50,000 cash instead.
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|
White House officials insist that President Obama knew nothing about
the IRS scandal until we all heard about it in the news last week.
They said because there was an investigation under way, it would have
been inappropriate to tell him. And besides, he was too busy not
knowing anything about Benghazi.
Jay Leno
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Everything’s going bad for President Obama with Benghazi and other
controversies. But Obama’s trying to turn things around. He’s
sending in SEAL Team 6 to bring back Justin Bieber’s monkey. And if
SEAL Team 6 doesn’t work, he’s sending in Dennis Rodman.
David Letterman
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We had an election in Los Angeles yesterday. Three measures involved
medical marijuana. The one that passed was a proposition that limits
the number of marijuana dispensaries in the city. The rule now is
there cannot be more marijuana stores than cupcake shops – because
they feed on each other. The proposition will limit the number of
dispensaries in L.A. to 135. Unfortunately, right now there are about
800 pot shops, so the employees of 665 of them will be out of work.
And on top of that, their resumes will say they used to work at a pot
store. So I wish them luck.
Jimmy Kimmel
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1. You've read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar
2. You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces
images of Elvis.
3. You've definitively figured out a way to get Gilligan OFF the
island.
4. You decide to see how many Surges you can drink before the
inevitable explosion occurs.
5. People come into your office frequently to borrow pencils from your
ceiling.
6. The 5th Division of Paperclips has completely overrun the Pushpin
Infantry, and General White-Out has called for reinforcements.
|
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Sponsor
|
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Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, who was a tub of
cottage cheese, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here."
One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured
individuals."
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A young man dies and goes to Heaven, where he finds he is third in
line at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter is taking a much-needed break, so
an angel is admitting the newly arrived to Heaven.
The angel tells the three new arrivals that because so many drug
dealers and other criminals have managed to sneak into Heaven that St.
Peter must now be a little stricter with the screening process. Each
person is required to state his former occupation and tell his or her
yearly salary.
The first man in line says, "I was an actor, and I earned $1 million
last year."
The angel says, "Okay, you may enter."
He turns to the woman in line and asks her about her life.
She states, "I earned $150,000 as an attorney." The angel thinks for a
moment and then lets her in, too.
He turns to the third one in line and asks, "What have you done with
your life?"
The man replies, "I earned $8,000 last year . . ."
"Oh," the angel interrupts. "What did you teach?
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A woman was taking her time browsing through everything at a friend's
yard sale, and said to her, "My husband is going to be very angry I
stopped at a yard sale."
"I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him about all the bargains
you found," her friend replied.
"Normally, yes," she said. "But he just broke his leg, and he's
waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set."
|
Anthony Weiner is running for mayor of New York City and he had to
change his campaign website yesterday because it accidentally showed a
picture of the Pittsburgh skyline instead of Manhattan. Or as Weiner
calls it, 'an embarrassing photo I can live with.'
Jimmy Fallon
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Sponsor
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Anthony Weiner accidentally used a picture of the Pittsburgh skyline
on his website instead of Manhattan. And that's not all, it doesn't
stop there. Remember those pictures he tweeted of his male member? It
wasn't his. It was Brett Favre's.
Jay Leno
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According to the Boston Globe, First Lady Michelle Obama and her
daughters will stay on Martha's Vineyard for the summer. You can tell
President Obama is getting a little defensive. When a reporter asked
him about the trip, he said he had no prior knowledge of the vacation,
he just learned about it from the media.
Jay Leno
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A seven-year-old boy from Milwaukee, a kid buy the name of Miles
Nelson, wrote a letter to the vice president. He has an interesting
solution to our problem with gun violence. Miles wrote, 'I think guns
should shoot out chocolate bullets.' Believe it or not, the vice
president actually wrote Miles back. He wrote, 'I really like your
idea. If we had guns that shot chocolate, not only would our country
be safer, it would be happier. Happier people love chocolate.' Do you
really want a politician to get behind gun with chocolate bullets? The
guy you should be writing to is Chris Christie. He will get this done.
Jimmy Kimmel
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