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Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was
stapled to the first monkey.
Top Ten Calls Received At Taco Bell Headquarters
10. "Does a lick add or subtract calories?" 9. "Shouldn't he be
wearing a hairnet?" 8. "This is the law firm representing Licked
Taco Express" 7. "When will licked shells be available in my
area?" 6. "Is he single?" 5. "I'm trying to reach Johann
Pachelbel" (Classical music reference, people -- read a book!)
4. "Where can I learn more about taco-borne illness?" 3. "Is he
the same guy who stood in the lettuce?" 2. "Can I have the shell
licked by a Rabbi?" 1. "Hi, Michael Douglas here"
David Letterman
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How many of you saw 'Game of Thrones' on Sunday? Did you watch this?
Oh my god, people can't stop talking about this.The show ended with a
huge massacre. That's two massacres I saw this week if you count the
Heats/Pacer game!
Jay Leno
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Last night's 'Game of Thrones', I don't know if you saw this, it was
incredible. It was insane, the Internet's ablaze today, fans are very
upset about the number of characters that died violently in last
night's episode. Ladies and gentlemen, all I can say is wait and see
how this show ends tonight. Bad news for you Andy fans!
Conan O'Brien
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I want to see what happens when this weather lady—[slide of female
weather forecaster]—stands in front of this weather map—[slide of
another weather man standing in front of map showing rudely-shaped
weather front].
| Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by:
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When is a paper not a paper?
When it's turned into the teacher.
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I would love to see a Doctor Who episode with Matt Smith and David
Tennant in it but that would be a pair-a-docs.
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A guy went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I keep having these
alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam,
then I'm a teepee, and then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy.
What's wrong with me?"
The doctor replied, "It's very simple. You're two tents."
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A woman invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to
their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the
blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear mommy say," the woman answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite
all these people to din
During his trip to Brazil on Friday, Joe Biden said he was having such
a good time that he didn't want to go home. And that was just while he
was riding on the baggage carousel at the airport.
Jimmy Fallon
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A new report says that Donald Trump has spent one million dollars
trying to figure out if he should run for president in 2016. Experts
are already calling it the World Most Expensive 'No.'
Conan O'Brien
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Actor Steven Seagal is now in Russia. He is meeting with Vladimir
Putin. Is this what American foreign policy has come down to? Dennis
Rodman is in North Korea. Steven Seagal is in Russia. What's next? Are
we air dropping Gary Busey into Syria? Maybe Snooki goes to Iraq?
Jay Leno
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The Supreme Court ruled that police have the right to take DNA
samples. Every time there's new technology in law enforcement, people
get uneasy. I'm sure people were against fingerprinting when it
started in the late 1800s. I'll have to ask Larry King. He was
probably around then.
Craig Ferguson
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]".
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Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by:
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And here is the analytical continuation of this saying:
Biologists think they are biochemists,
Biochemists think they
are Physical Chemists,
Physical Chemists think they are
Physicists,
Physicists think they are Gods,
And God thinks
he is a Mathematician.
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A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
day. 30,000 to a man’s 15,000.
The wife replied, “The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men.
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, “What?”
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A man said to his wife one day, “I don’t know how you can be so
stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.”
The wife responded, “Allow me to explain . God made me beautiful so
you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be
attracted to you!”
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough
draft before the masterpiece.
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A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: “If you
are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your
smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me
a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!
The husband, typically nonromantic, replied,
“I am on the commode. Please advise!”
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An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks
into a bar and Jill (the Australian barmaid) takes his order, Fosters,
and notices his accent.
Over the course of the night they get to know each other quite well.
At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to make whoopee.
Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay
her $200 for some whoopee. Jill is travelling the world and because
she is short on funds she agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after
showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she
will make whoopee with him again for $200.
Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree. This
goes on for 5 nights.
On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders Fosters and sits in the
corner. Jill thinks that maybe she should pay him more attention and
shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to
him.
She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her Melbourne.
"So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?" "Glen Iris," he replies.
"That's amazing..." she says, "...so am I - what Street?" "Cameo
Street," he replies. This is unbelievable..." she says,"...what
number?"
He says, "Number 20" and she is totally astonished. "You are not going
to believe this but I'm from number 22 and my parents still live
there!"
"I know..." he says, "...your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you!"
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I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A
little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do
you think I'll live to be 90?"
He asked, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?" "Oh no," I
replied. "I'm not doing either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said,
"No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,
hiking, or bicycling?"
No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why do you care if you live to be 90?
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There is this farmer who is having problems with his chickens. All of
the sudden, they are all getting very sick and he doesn't know what is
wrong with them.
After trying all conventional means, he calls a biologist, a chemist,
and a physist to see if they can figure out what is wrong.
So the biologist looks at the chickens, examines them a bit, and says
he has no clue what could be wrong with them.
Then the chemist takes some tests and makes some measurements, but he
can't come to any conclusions either.
So the physist trys. He stands there and looks at the chickens for a
long time without touching them or anything. Then all of the sudden he
starts scribbling away in a notebook.
Finally, after several gruesome calculations, he exclaims, "I've got
it! But it only works for spherical chickens in a vaccum."
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Dear Algebra,
Please stop asking us to find your "X".
She's never coming back.
And don't ask "Y".
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| Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by:
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and
my wife kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat
alone at a nearby table. I asked my wife, ‘Do you know him?’
‘Yes,’ she sighed, ‘He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he
took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I
hear he hasn’t been sober since.’
‘My God!’ I said to my wife, ‘who would think a person could go
on celebrating that long?’
And then the fight started.
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A: Where
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And the thing about my jokes is, they don't hurt anybody. You can take
'em or leave 'em - you can say they're funny or they're terrible or
they're good, or whatever, but you can just pass 'em by. But with
Congress, every time they make a joke, it's a law! And every time they
make a law, it's a joke! -- Will Rogers
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1. Specify that your drive-thru order is "to go."
2. If you
have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking
to others.
3. Practice making fax and modem noises.
4.
Make beeping noises when you back up.
5. Signal that a
conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
6.
Yell out random numbers while someone is counting.
7. Repeat the
following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear
that?"...."What?..."Never mind, it's gone now."
8. As much as
possible, skip rather than walk.
9. While making presentations,
occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
10.Sit in your front
yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
| Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by:
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Hey,
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The lights are a little dimmer in Crazytown tonight. In the struggle
between reality and Michele Bachmann, reality has won. Flags are being
flown at half mast at the Laugh Factory. Michele Bachmann is out.
Still no word on her husband Marcus.
Bill Maher
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Bachmann said it was a very tough decision, but after a lengthy
discussion with her husband, her staff, her constituents, and with the
little ballerina that twirls around on the top of her jewelry box, she
wanted to spend more time as Carrie’s mom. And also, she has a new
job lined up. She’s the before-picture in a tranquilizer ad.
Bill Maher
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Someone again sent the deadly poison Ricin to President Obama through
the mail. These dummies, do they really think Obama opens his own
mail? He doesn’t even know what the IRS and the Justice Departments
are doing. I hate to keep saying that Americans are stupid and lazy.
But is there any lamer assassination attempt than sending wannabe
poison through the mail? What was Plan B, hoping Chris Christie falls
on him?
Bill Maher
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A simple pot conviction can foreclose on opportunities to vote, get a
job, go to college, or qualify for housing. How can our first black
President, and our first pothead President, be aware of that, and just
look the other way? If anyone can say smoking pot won’t ruin your
life, it’s the guy who smoked bales of it, and then became leader of
the free world.
Bill Maher
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