Παρασκευή 21 Ιουνίου 2013

Ανέκδοτα, 11/06/2013- 15/06/2013

Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by:
"First Lady" Scandal?

Did you know that Mrs. Obama and her husband make more in a SINGLE MONTH than the average American makes in an entire YEAR... and this lucrative income stream is sponsored by a completely PRIVATE source? No wonder President Obama recently agreed to a 5% government pay cut... That's peanuts compared to what he and Michelle are pulling in on the side! Where is all this money coming from? Click here to see.

Two Doilies

As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch near Snowflake. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it.

For 50 years Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old and dying.

One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important.

Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents. "My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you."

Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice.

"What's the $82,500 for?" he asked.

"Oh, well that's the money I've made selling the doilies."
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What It Means

Five year old Becky answered the door when the Census taker came by.

She told the Census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home, because he was performing an appendectomy.

"My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?"

"Sure! Fifteen hundred bucks, and that doesn't even include the anaesthesiologist!"

Water Formula

Little Johnny's teacher asks, "What is the chemical formula for water?"

Little Johnny replies, "H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O!!"

The teacher, puzzled, asks, "What on Earth are you talking about?"

Little Johnny replies, "Yesterday you said it was H to O!"

Devotion

Dave went on a business trip for a few days. When he returned, his wife reported that the dog really missed him. "She spent every night at the front door, waiting for you to come home," she said.

"What an example of devotion," Dave replied. "I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me?"

"Honey," she answered, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door." 

Late Night Funny #1

Many Republicans want President Obama to fire Attorney General Eric Holder after he seemed to contradict himself under oath. When asked if he’s worried, Holder said, ‘Yes. I mean, no’

Jimmy Fallon
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Late Night Funny #2

President Obama says he is renewing his efforts to close Guantanamo Bay. How about closing the IRS? Why don’t we do that? How about shipping the IRS to Guantanamo Bay?

Jay Leno

Late Night Funny #3

This week President Obama is going to be engaged in high-level talks with the president of China. Yes, President Obama’s message to China is going to be, ‘I swear we’ll have the money for you by Tuesday’.

Conan O'Brien

Late Night Funny #4

The Supreme Court ruled that police have the right to take DNA samples. Every time there’s new technology in law enforcement, people get uneasy. I’m sure people were against fingerprinting when it started in the late 1800s. I’ll have to ask Larry King. He was probably around then.

Craig Ferguson

Philosophy & Mathematics

Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules.

Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.
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A Lawyer and an IRS Agent

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you: (1) go to lunch or (2) read the paper?

Mom's Present

A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes an expensive fur coat. "This year," she says, "I think that I will buy my present instead of making you and dad shop for me." The daughter nods in agreement. "And I think this fur coat would be perfect too."

The daughter protests, "But mom, some helpless, poor creature has to suffer so that you can have this."

"Don't worry honey," says the mother, "your father won't get the bill for a couple of weeks."

Vacuum Salesman

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."

She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"

The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"

She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."

Philosophy & Mathematics

Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules.

Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.
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A Lawyer and an IRS Agent

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you: (1) go to lunch or (2) read the paper?

Mom's Present

A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes an expensive fur coat. "This year," she says, "I think that I will buy my present instead of making you and dad shop for me." The daughter nods in agreement. "And I think this fur coat would be perfect too."

The daughter protests, "But mom, some helpless, poor creature has to suffer so that you can have this."

"Don't worry honey," says the mother, "your father won't get the bill for a couple of weeks."

Vacuum Salesman

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."

She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"

The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"

She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet." 

Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by:
(June 13, 2013) - Do not pay your car insurance bill... until you read this.
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* After reporting on the hidden discounts, 789,000 drivers
used this one tip to get extreme insurance discounts.
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Bird Calls

For forty years we have studied bird calls . There are so many different species , and to make it more difficult they have territorial accents just like people do.

The really amazing thing is, we have translated all of their calls. And the message is always the same. No matter the breed or the location, the message is always the same:

"Yah! Yah! Yah! Cats can't fly!"
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Back from School

A fifth generation farmer has determined that his son will be the first in their family to go to college. So he and the wife save every penny for years and when the big day comes for junior to leave for school, the old man is the proudest he's ever been.

After the first semester junior comes home for Christmas break and the old man sits him down for a talk. "Well, boy, you been at school for three months now, I want you to tell me some of that fancy book learnin'."

So junior says, "My favorite class is math, pa. Just last week we learned a new formula...Pi r squared."

At hearing this the old man screws up his eyes and smacks his forehead, "Dog gone-it! I spent all that money on schooling and all you can tell me is Pi r squared? Why everybody know pie are round...CORNBREAD are squared!"

Perplexing Riddle

"It's time to see how clearly you can think," the teacher said to his class. "Now, listen carefully, and think about what I'm saying. I'm thinking of a person who has the same mother and father as I have. But this person is not my brother and not my sister. Who is it?"

The kids in the class furrowed their brows, scratched their heads, and otherwise showed how hard they were thinking. But no one came up with the right answer.

When everyone in the class had given up, the teacher announced, "The person is me."

Little Jeffrey beamed at learning the answer. "That's a good one," he said to himself. "I'll have to try that on Mom and Dad."

At dinner that night, little Jeffrey repeated the riddle to his parents. "I'm thinking of a person who has the same mother and father as I have," he said. "But this person isn't my brother and isn't my sister. Who is it?"

His parents furrowed their brows, scratched their heads, and otherwise pretended that they were thinking hard. Then they both said, "I give up. Who is it?"

"It's my teacher!" Jeffrey said.

Lone Ranger

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards the sky; what do you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What's that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.

Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto is silent for a moment, then he says, "Kemo Sabe, someone has stolen our tent!" 

Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by:
(June 13, 2013) - Do not pay your car insurance bill... until you read this.
Out of all 246 auto insurers, we found these important "hidden" discounts.
* After reporting on the hidden discounts, 789,000 drivers
used this one tip to get extreme insurance discounts.
* Recently reported: if you're just with "any" auto insurer,
you may be overpaying by 75%.
Click here -- to see the insurance discounts you'll get.
Editor's Note: You receive Late Night Jokes because you are subscribed to the Jokes ezine. This PM edition is sent Monday through Friday.

Click here to stop receiving the evening edition.

Late Night Funny #1

The mystery is over. After a month of waiting, it turns out that an 84-year-old woman in Florida has won the $590 million Powerball lottery. As for how much tax she’s going to have to pay, the IRS said it’s too early to tell because they don’t know whether she’s a Republican or Democrat.

Jay Leno
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Late Night Funny #2

The IRS spent $4 million on a conference in Anaheim that included luxury hotel suites, passes to theme parks, and tickets to sporting events. They say they’re not sure of the exact amount they spent because they didn’t keep any receipts. I think Wesley Snipes is saying, ‘Hey, what about me? I didn’t have my receipts’.

Jay Leno

Late Night Funny #3

President Obama has called on Congress to pass a media shield law that would allow reporters to do their job without fear of government prosecution. Don’t we already have that? It’s called the First Amendment.

Jay Leno

Late Night Funny #4

Last night at a fundraiser in Washington, First Lady Michele Obama got into a heated face-to face confrontation with a heckler who turned out to be a lesbian. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said this story just keeps on getting hotter and hotter.

Conan O'Brien
Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by:
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20 Tons of Canaries

There was a man driving down the road behind an 18 wheeler, at every stoplight the trucker would get out of the cab, run back and bang on the trailer door. After seeing this at several intersections in a row the motorist followed him until he pulled into a parking lot.

When they both had come to a stop the truck driver once again jumped out and started banging on the trailer door. The motorist went up to him and said, "I don't mean to be nosey but why do you keep banging on that door?"

To which the trucker replied, "Sorry, can't talk now, I have 20 tons of canaries and a 10 ton limit, so I have to keep half of them flying at all times."
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Under the Wagon

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of wheat on the road. The farmer that lived nearby came to investigate.

"Hey, Willis," he called out, "forget your troubles for a while and come and have dinner with us. Then I'll help you overturn the wagon."

"That's very nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Dad would like me to."

"Aw, come on, son!" the farmer insisted.

"Well, OK," the boy finally agreed, "but Dad won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked the host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Dad's going to be real upset."

"Don't be silly!" said the neighbor. "By the way, where is he?"

"Under the wagon," replied Willis.

Camping Tips

- Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.

- A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.

- The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills.

- When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on.

- Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.

- A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.

- A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.

- In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.

A Lawyer Named Strange

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative:

He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer." That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"

Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by:
Weird Food KILLS Blood Pressure...

Thousands of citizens concerned with high blood pressure and heart disease
have already discovered this strange food that is being touted as a
"Marine Miracle" by America's top doctors. Help your body cure itself from
the "silent killer" known as hypertension and heart disease.
Click Here Now to watch this free video that could save your life! [video]
Editor's Note: You receive Late Night Jokes because you are subscribed to the Jokes ezine. This PM edition is sent Monday through Friday.

Click here to stop receiving the evening edition.

Late Night Funny #1

This whistleblower is all over TV. His name is Edward Snowden, and he's very pleased with himself. He says he doesn't want to live in a society where the society monitors its people. And then he fled to China.

David Letterman
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Late Night Funny #2

Last week it was revealed that the National Security Agency has spied on Americans' phone records and Internet history for years. Yesterday, the source of the leak said he's hiding out in Hong Kong, marking the first time anyone has ever said, 'I don't want to be punished by the government – so I guess I'll go to China.'

Jimmy Fallon

Late Night Funny #3

Pope Francis said it is a sin for people to waste food. He made that proclamation and then he made Chris Christie a saint.

Conan O'Brien

Late Night Funny #4

People are asking how this Snowden guy could download all this classified information and give it to a British newspaper without the NSA knowing about it. I think I know the answer. If you don't want the NSA spying on you, get a job working at the NSA. That's how it works.
okes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by:
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Ironically Contradictory Jokes

Q: What can you steal and not get in trouble?
A: Second base.

Q: Why did the policeman arrest the baseball player?
A: He stole second base.
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Confusing Thoughts

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be removed?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

Thoughts That Are Confusing

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Confusion in Your Thoughts

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?
nt the NSA spying on you, get a job working at the NSA. That's how it works.

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