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I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife
that I had a drinking problem, and to empty the contents of each and
every bottle down the sink, or else. I said I would and proceeded with
the unpleasant task.
I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down
the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.
I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with
it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.
I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey
down the sink which I drank.
I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the
bottle down the glass, which I drank.
I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out
of it, and threw the rest down the glass.
I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the
bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and
drank the pour.
When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand,
counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which
were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and
finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.
I'm not under the affluence of incohol as some thinkle peep I am. I'm
not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know
who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.
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There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one
night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him,
"Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!"
The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by
saying, "She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!"
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On the outskirts of town, there was a huge nut tree by the cemetery
fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by
the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.
The bucket was so full, several rolled out toward the fence.
Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed he
thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to
investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for
you, one for me."
He knew what it was. "Oh, my!" he shuddered, "It's Satan and St. Peter
dividing the souls at the cemetery!" He cycled down the road as fast
as he could and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come quick!" said the boy. "You won't believe what I heard. Satan
and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls."
The man said, "Shoo, you brat! Can't you see I'm finding it hard to
walk as it is!"
After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the
fence he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling the truth! Let's see
if we can see the Devil himself."
Shivering with fear, they peered through the fence, yet they were
still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the
wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to
get a glimpse of Satan. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me.
And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by
the fence, and we'll be done."
They say the old guy made it back to town 5 minutes before the boy.
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Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning
service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you,
dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away
last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he
have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that darned gun!'"
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1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a referred
journal.
5. Some doubt He wrote it by Himself.
6. He may
have created the world, but what has he done since?
7. The
scientific community can't replicate His results.
8. He never
got permission from the ethics board to use human subjects.
9.
When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning the
subjects.
10. He rarely came to class and just told students,
"Read the Book."
11. Some say He had His son teach class.
12. He expelled His first two students. 13. His office hours were
irregular and sometimes held on a mountain top.
14. Although
there were only 10 requirements, all students failed save His Son.
| Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by:
|
(June 17, 2013) - Do not pay your car insurance bill... until you read this.
Out of all 246 auto insurers, we found these important "hidden" discounts.
* After reporting on the hidden discounts, 789,000 drivers
used this one tip to get extreme insurance discounts.
* Recently reported: if you're just with "any" auto insurer,
you may be overpaying by 75%.
Click here -- to see the insurance discounts you'll get.
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Big breaking news about something we’ve known for like seven years,
which is that your phone calls are being tracked and your emails are
being accessed by the government. And married men all over are saying,
‘The government? Thank God. I thought you were going to say my
wife’.
Bill Maher
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Sponsor
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The White House today closed the gift shop and opened a Verizon store
after it was revealed that the National Security Agency seized
millions of Verizon phone records. How ironic is that? We wanted a
president who listens to all Americans. Now we have one.
Jay Leno
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President Obama was visiting a middle school yesterday, and while he
was there he said that every school in the U.S. should have high-speed
Internet. Then it got awkward when one kid said, ‘Why, so you can
read our emails faster?’
Jimmy Fallon
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Michelle Obama was heckled this week. Did you see that? Wow, she’s
tough. Obama always stays cool when he gets heckled, but Michelle was
like all Game of Thrones on this woman. She said, ‘If I wanted to
hear your opinion, my husband will tap your phone’.
Bill Maher
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Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by:
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Performance-Boosting Secret of Olympic Athletes Could be a Boon for Your Circulation
2012 Olympic athletes were spotted drinking a red "elixir" they claimed gave them a
natural (and legal) competitive edge in winning the games. Many that drank this
mysterious "nectar" finished at the top of their sport. This same red juice has also
been shown to boost circulation, promote healthy blood pressure and increase energy
and stamina for those over 40. The juice of this red vegetable could very well be the
hottest topic in health journalism at this very moment. Find out more >>
|
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A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed
out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.
Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The
professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to
his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."
The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out. This
student got back his test, his test grade, and $64 change.
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Sponsor
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A police recruit was asked on an exam, "What would you do if you had
to arrest your own mother?"
In the blank, he wrote, "Call for backup."
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There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire
become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the
whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly
emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain
and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
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Why computers should be considered masculine:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the
time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a
little longer, you could have had a better model.
Why computers should be considered feminine:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for
later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.
| Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by:
|
Performance-Boosting Secret of Olympic Athletes Could be a Boon for Your Circulation
2012 Olympic athletes were spotted drinking a red "elixir" they claimed gave them a
natural (and legal) competitive edge in winning the games. Many that drank this
mysterious "nectar" finished at the top of their sport. This same red juice has also
been shown to boost circulation, promote healthy blood pressure and increase energy
and stamina for those over 40. The juice of this red vegetable could very well be the
hottest topic in health journalism at this very moment. Find out more >>
|
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The NSA has been listening in on phone calls. It’s people with
cellphones — you hear these people walking down the street screaming
into their cellphones. They’re the ones who are upset about people
listening to their phone calls.
David Letterman
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Sponsor
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This weekend, President Obama held talks with Chinese President Xi
Jinping. It went well, although it got awkward when Obama asked China
to stop spying on America and Jinping said, ‘You first’.
Jimmy Fallon
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Mr. President, no one is saying you broke any laws, we’re just
saying it’s a little bit weird you didn’t have to.
John Oliver
|
A former technical assistant for the CIA named Edward Snowden leaked
the story that the federal government was collecting phone records
from Verizon customers. Snowden said, ‘You’re being watched’. To
which NBC executives said, ‘Finally! We would love to be watched’.
Jay Leno
| Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by:
|
I'll be honest with you...
They didn't want you to see this, BUT, to get it into your hands,
I've made a promise to only show it to a handful of my active
Subscribers. The cream of the crop! And, I chose you!
Please, do not share it with anyone, no matter how much they
Beg! Top Secret! We'll talk soon...
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"Pardon me, lady", said the man trying to get back to his seat in the
darkened movie theater, "but did I step on your toes a few minutes
ago?"
"You certainly did!!", said the woman in the aisle seat.
"Good, then I'm in the right row!" the man said as he went back to his
seat.
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Sponsor
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Teacher: If you multiplied 50 by 8 and then divided by 4, what would
you get?
Student: The wrong answer.
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"Hello"
"Hello"
"Is that you, Larry?"
"Yes, this is Larry."
"Are you sure this is Larry."
"Yes I'm sure, this is Larry !"
"This is Pete... can you lend me twenty dollars ?"
"I'll tell Larry when he comes in."
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A guy and his dog go into a barroom. The bartender says, "Hey, get
that dog out of here... we don't allow dogs in here."
Wait a minute, the guy says, "This is no ordinary dog ! This is
'Plato' the talking dog !" "Yeah, sure" says the bartender.
I'll prove it to you," says the guy. "Plato... what's on top of a
building?"
"ROOF !" says the dog.
"Look," says the bartender, "just how dumb do you think I am?"
"Wait a minute," says the guy. "Plato, how does sandpaper feel?"
"RUFF !" says the dog.
"Do I have 'stupid' tattooed across my forehead or something," says
the bartender. "Now get that dog out of here! "
"Wait.. I'm not through", says the guy. "Plato, who was the greatest
baseball player of all time?" "RUTH !" says the dog.
"That does it !! " says the bartender, and he throws them both out on
the street.
Outside, the dog looks at his owner and says, "Do you think I should
have gone with DiMaggio?"
| Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by:
|
I'll be honest with you...
They didn't want you to see this, BUT, to get it into your hands,
I've made a promise to only show it to a handful of my active
Subscribers. The cream of the crop! And, I chose you!
Please, do not share it with anyone, no matter how much they
Beg! Top Secret! We'll talk soon...
|
|
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According to a poll, the majority of Americans are OK with the Obama
administration listening in on our phone calls. Guys approve because
they feel it increases security. And women approve of Obama’s policy
because finally a man is listening to them.
Conan O'Brien
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Sponsor
|
Top Ten Reasons I Love Being in the United States Army
10. You haven't lived until you've eaten rehydrated beef brisket
9. Get to visit exotic places, like Trenton, New Jersey 8. No
can opener? Just run over the can with a tank 7. Sir, you're
never unsure how to begin and end a sentence, Sir 6.
Cutting-edge technology, like our machine that controls the weather 5. I really, really, really enjoy push-ups 4. In an Apache
helicopter, you tend to have the right-of-way 3. Always have an
answer when someone says, "You and whose army?" 2. Camouflage
brings out my eyes 1. Working among the most talented men and
women this country has to offer, and the free haircuts
David Letterman
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The guy who blew the whistle on the NSA scandal is a former security
worker named Edward Snowden. He is a high school dropout. He was
making $122,000 a year. He lived in Hawaii. He was engaged to a
beautiful former ballerina. And he gave it all up. So not only is he a
whistleblower. He’s also a moron.
Jay Leno
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Hillary Clinton finally joined Twitter yesterday and racked up more
than 200,000 followers in only five hours. Yeah, they were like,
‘Hillary in 2016!’ and ‘Washington needs Hillary!’ and
‘Hillary for the White House!’ That’s not her followers. Those
were her tweets.
| Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by:
|
Angelina Jolie Double Mastectomy...
It was recently revealed that actress and humanitarian Angelina Jolie underwent a
preventive double mastectomy after learning that she carries a mutation of the
BRCA1 gene, which sharply increased her risk of developing breast cancer and
ovarian cancer. Would You Elect To Have a Preventive Surgery... if You Had a
High Risk For Cancer? Take the poll >>
|
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Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a
small town and put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones:
Hysterias and Posteriors."
The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed
it to read, "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the
council, they changed the sign to "Catatonics and High Colonics." No
go.
Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Thumbs down
again.
Then came "Minds and Behinds." Still no good.
Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes." Unacceptable
again!
So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts." Not a chance.
"Nuts and Butts?" No way.
"Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go.
"Loons and Moons?" Forget it.
Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with:
Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, "Odds and Ends."
Everyone loved it.
|
Featured Ebook from BookDaily.com
|
Life without it
Sara Marzougui
"A group of young 20-somethings navigate love and friendship with the
help—and hindrance—of the latest smartphone and social networking
technology. Fresh on the New York dating scene, Dalinda is ready for a
new start and, with some prodding from her sophisticated,
BlackBerry-wielding friends, a new phone. Mandy, Dalinda’s best
friend, is slow to adopt the new technology, but when she ...
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Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carol
that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her
tears, he asked her to be intimate. Of course she agreed.
Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Darling, now I
only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could be intimate?" Carol
agreed.
Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only
eights hours of life left. He touched Carol's shoulder and said,
"Darling please? Just one more time before I die?" She agreed, and
then afterwards she rolled over and fell asleep.
Barry, however, lay there awake and listened to the clock ticking in
his head, tossing and turning until he was down to only four more
hours.
He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Darling, I only
have four hours left! Could we...?"
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen, I'm not
being funny Barry, but I have to get up in the morning and you don't!"
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Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate,
graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left for
Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field.
Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference,
coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed
his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he
bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he
inadvertently passed wind, loudly.
The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and
reverberated it down the hall.
He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just
enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and
raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.
Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit
her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under
cover of darkness.
The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr.
Levy?"
Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here
and received my education here, but then I moved away."
Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.
"Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing
happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."
The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience,
one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me
isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident
too."
Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."
"Was it a long time ago?"
"Yes, many years."
The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Breaking Wind?"
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12. CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
11. You got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
10. You go to buy a toaster oven and they gave you a bank.
9. Hot wheels and Matchbox car companies are now trading higher than
GM and Chrysler in the stock market.
8. Obama met with small businesses - GE, Pfizer, Chrysler, Citigroup
and GM, to discuss the Stimulus Package.
7. McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ounce Big Mac.
6. People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and are learning their
children's names.
5. The highest paid job is now jury duty.
4. People in Africa are now donating money to Americans.
3. Motel Six won't leave the lights on anymore.
2. The Mafia is laying off judges.
1. If the bank returns your check marked as "insufficient funds," you
have to call them to ask if they meant you or them.
| Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by:
|
Angelina Jolie Double Mastectomy...
It was recently revealed that actress and humanitarian Angelina Jolie underwent a
preventive double mastectomy after learning that she carries a mutation of the
BRCA1 gene, which sharply increased her risk of developing breast cancer and
ovarian cancer. Would You Elect To Have a Preventive Surgery... if You Had a
High Risk For Cancer? Take the poll >>
|
|
|
Due to the government spy scandal, sales of the classic George Orwell
book ’1984′ have skyrocketed. So the fallout is worse than we
thought. It’s making Americans read.
Conan O'Brien
|
|
Sponsor
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as taking short surveys and reading email? Join 5in5 now today for Free and you can do just that!
Earn $5 per day for doing things you already do! Plus, receive a $20 Opportunity when
you join today! Make sure to complete the registration so that you receive your daily
offer to earn $5 in 5 minutes! Click Here...
|
Evil Russian dictator Vladimir Putin and his wife, Connie, have been
married a long time, and everybody thought they were happily married.
Well, last week Putin announced he was divorcing Connie. And when
Chris Humphries heard that, he said, ‘You can do that, really?’ So
far, it’s a very amicable divorce. So far, Connie is still alive.
David Letterman
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There are reports that female terrorists are being fitted with
exploding breast implants. How many guys are going to use this as an
excuse? ‘Honey, I’m not looking at her breasts. I’m working for
Homeland Security’
Jay Leno
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Conservative commentator Glenn Beck is suffering from paralyzed vocal
cords that have made him unable to speak. But not to worry – doctors
are working around the clock to make sure this condition continues.
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