Ανέκδοτα, 2/07/2012

Things That Needed to Be Said On going to war over religion: "You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend." -- Rich Jeni "I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." -- Gary Valentine On the difference between men and women: "On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars." -- Jeff Green "And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers. So people don't blame everything on Satan.'" -- John Wing "What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'" -- Francois Morency "The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'" -- Rich Jeni Print | Comment | Tweet It | Facebook It

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More Things That Needed to Be Said "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." -- Jimmy Shubert "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." -- Rich Jeni "My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading." -- Emo Philips "My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." -- Emo Philips "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'" -- Emo Philips "Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in." -- Rich Jeni Print | Comment | Tweet It | Facebook It

Even More Things That Needed to Be Said "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." -- Ren Hicks "I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." -- Emo Philips "I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot." -- Kevin James "Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." -- Emo Philips "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." -- Rich Jeni Print | Comment | Tweet It | Facebook It

Playing Blind Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?" Stevie Wonder says, "Not too bad, the latest album's gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it's pretty good. By the way, how's the golf?" Nicklaus replies, "Not too bad. I m not winning as much as I used to but I'm still making a bit of money. I had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that worked out now." "I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be all right," says Stevie. "You play golf!?" asks Jack. Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years." "But I thought you're blind! How can you play golf if you are blind?" Jack asks. "I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice," explains Stevie. "But how do you putt?" Nicklaus wondered. "Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice." Nicklaus says, "What is your handicap?" "I play off scratch," Stevie assures Jack. Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime." Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole." Nicklaus thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm up for that. When would you like to play?" "I don't care - any night next week is OK with me."