Κυριακή 31 Μαρτίου 2013

ΑΝΕΚΔΟΤΑ 30/3/2013

Wait Your Turn

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
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Capital Knowledge

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."

A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

Blonde Pregnancy

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

"Is it mine?"

Delaware Decision

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her USA government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware"

Aνέκδοτο: Να Σε Σπρώξω;

 

undefined
Μια κοπέλα κάθεται σε μια καφετερία, και ξύνει ασυναίσθητα το αυτί της με το κλειδί του αυτοκινήτου της.
Κάποιος κάθεται και την παρακολουθεί πολλή ώρα.
Και κάποια στιγμή αυτή τσαντισμένη τον ρωτά γιατί την κοιτάει επίμονα.
- Περιμένω, λέει αυτός.
- Τι περιμένεις;
- Να δω, θα πάρεις μπροστά ή να σε σπρώξω!!!

Παρασκευή 29 Μαρτίου 2013

λίγο γέλιο…

Τουρίστας (απευθυνόμενος σε άγαλμα): Τι όμορφος που είσαι Απόλλωνα! Τι τέλειες αναλογίες. Τι υπέροχος συνδυασμός δύναμης και χάρης, αρρενωπότητας και ευγένειας!… Σε λατρεύω Απόλλωνα!… Όμως αν ήσουν ζωντανός, θα αισθανόσουν κι εσύ τίποτα για μένα; Θα ένιωθες έστω και το ελάχιστο από το δικό μου πάθος; Τι θα μου έλεγες Απόλλωνα αν είχες φωνή;
Φύλακας: Κατ” αρχάς θα σας…έλεγε ότι είναι ο Ερμής
Ισοβίτης: Που πας Μοντεχρήστο με όλα αυτά τα πορνοπεριοδικά;
Μοντεχρήστος: Δίπλα στο γέρο κατάδικο. Έχει ξεχάσει εντελώς πως είναι οι γυναίκες και του κάνω φροντιστήριο για να τις ξαναθυμηθεί.
Ισοβίτης: Μπα; Από πότε έγινες ειδικός; Εσύ τις γυναίκες τις ξέρεις μόνο από τις φωτογραφίες των πορνοπεριοδικών!
Μοντεχρήστος: Μπορεί, αλλά αυτό δεν σημαίνει ότι δεν τις ξέρω καλά.
Ισοβίτης: Α, ναι; Και πως είναι οι γυναίκες κατά τη γνώμη σου;
Μοντεχρήστος: Ωραίες, αλλά επίπεδες!
-Γεράσιμος:
ΔΕΝ ΕΧΩ ΛΕΦΤΑ ΓΙΑ ΦΙΛΕΤΟ. ΤΕΛΕΙΑ ΚΑΙ ΠΑΥΛΑ.
-Ζαχαρίας:
ΚΑΙ ΓΙΑΤΙ ΦΩΝΑΖΕΙΣ; ΕΡΩΤΗΜΑΤΙΚΟ

ΑΝΕΚΔΟΤΑ & ΒΡΑΔΥΝΑ ΑΝΕΚΔΟΤΑ 29/03/2013

Dangers of Casual E-Mailing

An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel in Florida, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter on the address and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a loud scream, and fell to the floor in a faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room, and saw this note on the screen:

DEAREST WIFE:
JUST GOT CHECKED IN.
EVERYTHING IS PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.


P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE...
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Yesterday for IT People

Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a milestone hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.

I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.

Now all my data's gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.

One Liner

Did you hear about the guy who went to the dentist to get new dentures? His insurance was denied and he only had a dollar on him... so he wound up with buck teeth.

Pythagoras Was A Native American

On the banks of a river sat three indian women, sitting on three different animal skins. On a deer skin was a woman with her son, and the son weighed 140 pounds. On a buffalo skin was another woman, and her son who weighed 160 pounds. And on a hippopotamus skin sat an immense indian woman, who weighed 300 pounds herself.

A native american mathemetician saw this and noted that the squaw on the hippopotamus was equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.

Late Night Funny #1

Tonight, I uncover secret data in your Facebook profile.Turns out Karen 'liking' your photo means she wants to get back together with you!

Stephen Colbert
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Late Night Funny #2

You know what I liked best about the election of the new Pope? Just the fact that we don’t have to see any more of those negative Pope campaign ads.

Jay Leno

Late Night Funny #3

Top Ten Questions On The Dog IQ Test

10. Did you eat the dishtowel?
9. If a car is moving at 30 mph and you chase it at 15 mph, how soon will you catch it?
8. Sit
7. What is it, boy, trouble at the mill?
6. Kibbles, bits, or none of the above?
5. Paw?
4. Conjugate "woof"
3. Who's a good doggie?
2. Summarize the advantage of licking yourself
1. Can you parallel park a car? (video of dog driving a car)

David Letterman

Late Night Funny #4

They had a panel discussion at CPAC called ‘Are You Sick and Tired of Being Called a Racist When You Know You’re Not One?’ Let me save you guys a lot of money. If you get called a racist often enough to be sick and tired of it, you might be a redneck.

Bill Maher

Η ΤΡΑΠΕΖΑ ΤΟΥ ΜΕΛΛΟΝΤΟΣ



Η ΤΡΑΠΕΖΑ ΤΟΥ ΜΕΛΛΟΝΤΟΣ 


Την δύσκολη ζωή μου ασφαλή να κάνω
εγώ στην τράπεζα του Μέλλοντος επάνω
πολύ ολίγα συναλλάγματα θα βγάλλω.
Κεφάλαια μεγα αν έχει αμφιβάλλω.
Κι άρχισα να φοβούμαι μην στην πρώτη κρίση
εξαφνικά τάς πληρωμάς της σταματήσει.
κ.π.Καβάφης

ΑΝΕΚΔΟΤΑ &ΒΡΑΔΥΝΑ ΑΝΕΚΔΟΤΑ 28/03/2013

Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by:
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The Last Word from Women

Men are like fine wine...

They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.
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What Do I Look Like?

There was a young couple living in an old run down house. One day the man gets home from work and his wife says, "Honey, look at the walls. They haven't been painted as long as we have lived here. It's peeling and cracking; couldn't you please just paint them?"

"Who do I look like? Michelangelo?" the man replies.

"I guess not", says the wife.

The next day the man gets back from work again. Again his wife starts to complain. "Oh sugar, couldn't you just please at least repair the stairs? They're falling apart and they're really unsafe to walk up."

The man says, "Who do I look like? Frank Lloyd Wright?"

"Well, maybe not," says the wife.

The next week the man returns from his job. He walks into his house and is suddenly amazed. The stairs are fixed, the walls were painted and the house looked superb. "Honey.....How did you do this? It looks great!" he says. "Well I met up with a handyman down the street. He offered to repair our house if I either bake him a batch of brownies or sleep with him" says the wife.

"Well, honey, you baked the batch of brownies, right?"

The wife replies, "Who do I look like, Sara Lee?"

Age Barometer

Total the number of these that you remember:

1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles
5. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive - 6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with levers
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulbs
20. Beanie and Cecil
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 You're still young.

If you remembered 6-10 You are getting older.

If you remembered 11-15 Don't tell your age.

If you remembered 16-25 You're older than dirt!.

Transportation in Heaven

And it came to pass that an angel came up to three newly-dead men and said - "You are all to be allocated a method for transportation around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly."

The angel looked at the first guy, Dave, and said- "You, Dave, were a bad man in life. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat-up Dodge."

The angel next looked at the second guy, Jon, and said- "You were not as sinful, but you still cheated on your wife twice. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota station wagon."

The angel finally looked at our hero, Sam, and said- "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife. For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari."

A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam's Ferrari. There he is, sitting on the bonnet, his head in his hands, crying.

"What's wrong, Sam?" they asked. "You got the Ferrari! You're set forever! Why so down?"

Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth, and said, "I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard."

Health and Beauty Tips

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-- From the ArcaMax editors

Late Night Funny #1

Are you all excited about March Madness? Are you all into March Madness? People are talking about who’s in, who’s out, who’s gonna be eliminated -- and that’s just here at NBC.

Jay Leno
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Late Night Funny #2

I don't need to tell any of you out there that the Republican Party is in crisis. And ever since they lost the election the GOP has been flailing around for answers and no one has flailed harder than Republican National Committee Chairman and unsolved jumble puzzl Rance Priebus. By the way; the solution to that jumble? Crisp Bee Urine!

Stephen Colbert

Late Night Funny #3

Top Ten Signs Your Pilot Is A Fake

10. His wrinkled Pan Am uniform
9. Excitedly tells you it's his first time on a plane
8. During takeoff, furiously flaps his arms
7. He's also in the Skymall magazine modeling hats
6. Refers to every control in the cockpit as a 'doo-hickey'
5. Insists on patting down every passenger himself
4. "Flies" you from Gate 3 to Gate 4
3. Wanders through cabin collecting "gas money"
2. When he thanks you for flying, his mustache falls off
1. He can't hold his liquor

David Letterman

Late Night Funny #4

Last week the Republican National Committee released its report on what went wrong in the 2012 election and how it can reverse its fortunes in the future, full of ideals, principles, and hope. (news report with the RNC describing it as an autopsy) It is a document full of idealism, principles and hope named for the process bodies pulled from a river undergo.

Jon Stewart

Πέμπτη 28 Μαρτίου 2013

Αντε να γελάσουμε και λίγο…



Αναρτήθηκε από τον/την olympiada στο Μαρτίου 27, 2013

>> # – Ποιο είναι το αντίθετο του Μηχανόβιος?
>> – Βιομήχανος.
>>
>> # – Τι βρήκαν ένας τράγος και ένα ελάφι στον πάτο ενός πηγαδιού ?
>> – Τραγελαφικό θάνατο!!
>>
>> # – Τι είπε η μούμια όταν συνάντησε
το παιδί της;
>> – Μούμιασες!!!
>>
>> # – Σε πόσα κομμάτια χώρισε ο Βush το Ιράκ;
>> – Σε τρία : Diesel – Αμόλυβδη – Super
>>
>> # – Γιατί εφευρέθηκαν οι λευκές σοκολάτες;
>> – Για να λερώνονται και τα μαύρα παιδάκια.
>>
>> # – Τι το κοινό έχουν ο γυναικολόγος και ο barman;
>> – Και οι δύο δουλεύουν, εκεί που οι άλλοι άνδρες διασκεδάζουν.
>>
>> – Τι κάνει ένας τσιγκούνης αν πάρει φωτιά το σπίτι του;
>> – Αναπάντητη στην πυροσβεστική..
>>
>> – Πώς λέγεται αυτός που έχει μία τρίχα στο κεφάλι του;
>> – Παρά τρίχα φαλακρός..
>>
>> – Γιατί στους τυφώνες δίνονται γυναικεία ονόματα;
>> – Γιατί έρχονται θερμοί και υγροί και φεύγουν με σπίτια και
αυτοκίνητα..
>>
>> – Ποια η διαφορά ανάμεσα σε έναν αεροπειρατή και στον εφοριακό σας;
>> – Με τον αεροπειρατή μπορείς να κάνεις κάποιες διαπραγματεύσεις..
>>
>> – Τι κοινό έχουν τα Ζωνιανά με την εκκλησία;
>> – Και στα δύο όταν μπαίνεις κάνεις το Σταυρό σου..

ΑΝΕΚΔΟΤΑ -ΒΡΑΔΥΝΑ ΑΝΕΚΔΟΤΑ 27/3/2013

Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by:
The next big U.S. bankruptcy will shock most investors 

The Maryland Man who predicted the collapse of GM, Fannie Mae, and Freddie Mac says the answer will surprise you. One of the country's leading financial newspapers has already written a story citing this man's accurate predictions.

Now, find out who's going bankrupt next. View the full analysis, free of charge, here.

What it REALLY means

"I can't find it," REALLY MEANS, "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"That's women's work," REALLY MEANS, "It's dirty, difficult and thankless."

"Will you marry me?" REALLY MEANS, "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"It's a guy thing," REALLY MEANS, "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?" REALLY MEANS, "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"It would take too long to explain, "REALLY MEANS, "I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately," REALLY MEANS, "The batteries in the remote are dead."
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What it REALLY REALLY Means

"We're going to be late," REALLY MEANS, "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard, "REALLY MEANS, "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear," REALLY MEANS, "Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love, REALLY MEANS, "I forgot our anniversary again."

"It's really a good movie," REALLY MEANS, "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and good looking women."

"You know how bad my memory is," REALLY MEANS, "I remember the words to the theme song of "F Troop", the address of the first girl I kissed, the Vehicle Identification Number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself. It's no big deal," REALLY MEANS, "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house," REALLY MEANS, "I once threw a dirty towel near the laundry basket."

What it REALLY REALLY REALLY Means

"What did I do this time?" REALLY MEANS, "What did you catch me doing?"

"She's one of the rabid feminists," REALLY MEANS, "She refused to make my coffee."

"I heard you," REALLY MEANS, "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You really look terrific in that outfit," REALLY MEANS, "Please don't try on another outfit. I'm starving."

"I missed you," REALLY MEANS, "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are," REALLY MEANS, "No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework," REALLY MEANS, "I make the messes. She cleans them up."

"I don't need to read the instructions," REALLY MEANS, "I am perfectly capable of messing it up without printed help."

Secret to a Long Marriage

Some people ask the secret of Anthony's long marriage.

They take time to go to a restaurant two times a week: a little candlelight dinner, soft music, and a slow walk home.

The Mrs. goes Tuesdays; He goes Fridays.

Social Security column and more from ArcaMax Senior Living

Check out ArcaMax's Senior Living channel, featuring news and advice for seniors on retirement, health, and more.

Learn more about social security benefits, get health tips just for seniors, and more.

Subscribe instantly to the Senior Living weekday email newsletter for daily news and feature stories.

-- From the ArcaMax editors
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by:
The next big U.S. bankruptcy will shock most investors 

The Maryland Man who predicted the collapse of GM, Fannie Mae, and Freddie Mac says the answer will surprise you. One of the country's leading financial newspapers has already written a story citing this man's accurate predictions.

Now, find out who's going bankrupt next. View the full analysis, free of charge, here.
Editor's Note: You receive Late Night Jokes because you are subscribed to the Jokes ezine. This PM edition is sent Monday through Friday.

Click here to stop receiving the evening edition.

Late Night Funny #1

Newt Gingrich tweeted that canceling the (White House Easter Egg) Roll is 'shameless and pathetic, because when you don't commemorate Jesus by screwing around with food, freedom dies.' And then, to honor eggs everywhere, he fell off a wall.

Bill Maher
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Late Night Funny #2

Can we at least stop saying that the job of pope is so hard, such a burden no one would even want it? What?! Okay, first of all, you're selling an invisible product. It doesn't get any easier than that. No one is ever going to come back from the dead and say, "Ah, it's bullstuff up there; there's no heaven." "It's just an empty lot."  Hard job? All a pope does is talk, and everything you say is right, by definition. And you're there for life. Talk about tenure. And what other business could you be in where your company gets caught running a child sex ring since forever, and you still keep your customers?

Bill Maher

Late Night Funny #3

Top Ten Things Overheard at the Popes' Lunch

10. "Are you seeing anyone?"
9. "I just love the Vatican City Cheesecake Factory"
8. "Hmm, what would Jesus order?"
7. "Who do you have to canonize to get some coffee around here?"
6. "I know I'm infallible, but I should've gone with the chicken"
5. "Which of you had the margarita, no salt?"
4. "Cardinals be crazy"
3. "Why didn't I think of being the humble Pope?"
2. "Oh look at the time, I should get back to poping"
1. "Put it on God's tab"

David Letterman

Late Night Funny #4

When someone finally scores a goal in soccer, don't ruin it with a Nazi salute. Yes, this was the goal celebration of a young, Greek player last week. Then again, with all the money the Germans have spent bailing out Greece, maybe this is just his way of saying "thank you."

Bill Maher

Social Security column and more from ArcaMax Senior Living

Check out ArcaMax's Senior Living channel, featuring news and advice for seniors on retirement, health, and more.

Learn more about social security benefits, get health tips just for seniors, and more.

Subscribe instantly to the Senior Living weekday email newsletter for daily news and feature stories.

-- From the ArcaMax editors

Τετάρτη 27 Μαρτίου 2013

The Harvard School Of Dogs



(the welcome theme)
Bad boy
bad boy
what you want
what you gonna do (δις)
when Sheriff John Brown
come looking for you,
tell me,
what you gonna do (δις)
bad boy?
Sheriff John Brown
(and The Famous Miranda monologue – zeimpekia)
Put your hands around your back (clip-c r r r / δις)
“You have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say can and will be used against you at the Γουδή
court of law.
You have the right to speak to an attorney, and to have an attorney present during any questioning.
If you cannot afford a lawyer (or the rope), one will be provided
for you at government expense”.