Τρίτη 18 Δεκεμβρίου 2012

ΓΕΛΙΟΓΡΑΦΙΑ 18/12/2012

ΑΝΕΚΔΟΤΑ 18/12/2012

Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by:
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Soup Du Jour

An old man goes to a diner every day for lunch. He always orders the soup du jour. One day the manager asks him how he liked his meal. The old man replies, in a thick acccent, "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread."

So the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him four slices of bread. "How was your meal, sir?" the manager asks. "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread," comes the reply.

So the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him eight slices of bread. "How was your meal today, sir?" the manager asks. "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread," comes the reply.

So ... the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him a whole loaf of bread with his soup. "How was your meal, sir?" the manager asks, when he comes to pay. "Wass goot, but you could give just a little more bread," comes the reply once again.

The manager is now obsessed with seeing this customer say that he is satisfied with his meal, so he goes to the bakery, and orders a six-foot-long loaf of bread. When the man comes in as usual the next day, the waitress and the manager cut the loaf in half, butter the entire length of each half, and lay it out along the counter, right next to his bowl of soup. The old man sits down, and devours both his bowl of soup, and both halves of the six-foot-long loaf of bread.

The manager now thinks he will get the answer he is looking for, and when the old man comes up to pay for his meal, the manager asks in the usual way: "How was your meal TODAY, sir?"

The old man replies: "It wass goot as usual, but I see you are back to giving only two slices of bread."
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Blonde Logic

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking and one says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away, Florida or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says, "The moon, obviously. I mean, can you SEE Florida?"

River Walk

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side!"

At The Doctor's Office

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left wrist and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken"

Mobile Comics Apps

Enjoy your favorite comics like Zits, Baby Blues, BC, Wizard of Id, Dennis the Menace -- and many more -- from your mobile devices.

The Funnies app's newest version was released last week and includes much easier navigation. The App is $0.99 (lifetime) through the end of the year. Starting Jan. 1, 2013, the app will be $1.99.

For Droid users, go to https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.arcamax.funnies

For the IPhone app, go to https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/funnies/id578259615?ls=1 

Each app includes about 65 of the ArcaMax cartoon lineup. With this app, you can mark your Favorites and view them daily without having to browse through the whole list.

Enjoy!

-- From the ArcaMax editors

Aνέκδοτο : H Κ.G.B, ο Άγγλος, ο Γερμανός και... ο Πόντιος


ΔΕΥΤΈΡΑ, 17 ΔΕΚΕΜΒΡΊΟΥ 2012

Aνέκδοτο : H Κ.G.B, ο Άγγλος, ο Γερμανός και... ο Πόντιος

ΑΦΙΕΡΩΜΕΝΟ ΣΤΟ ΦΙΛΟ ΜΟΥ, ΤΟ ΣΑΒΒΑ...
Στη Μόσχα η K.G.B. συνέλαβε τρεις κατασκόπους. Έναν Άγγλο, ένα Γερμανό και ένα … Πόντιο. 
Τους μπουζουριάσανε στην ασφάλεια και αρχίσανε τις γνωστές μεθόδους, απόσπασης της αλήθειας… Σε λίγες ώρες ο Άγγλος είχε μαρτυρήσει τα πάντα στους ανακριτές του…
Μετά πήραν μέσα τον Γερμανό ο οποίος άντεξε λίγο παραπάνω στις περιποιήσεις. 
Πάντως σε δύο μέρες είχε αποκαλύψει τα πάντα. Για ποιον δούλευε, ποια ήταν η αποστολή και οι συνεργάτες του…  
Ήρθε κι η σειρά του Πόντιου να ανακριθεί. 


Τον πήραν μέσα τα τσακάλια και τον άρχισαν με το μαλακό:

- “θα μας πείτε για ποιον δουλεύετε, κύριε;”  Μιλιά ο Πόντιος.

Τον ρωτάνε πάλι και πάλι. Τίποτα ο Πόντιος. 
Τον αρχίζουν στο ξύλο, κουβέντα ο Πόντιος. 
Τον βάλανε σε φωτιά, σε πάγο, τίποτα αυτός. Δεν έλεγε ν’ ανοίξει το στόμα του, κι αυτή η ιστορία πήρε πολλές μέρες. 
Όλη την ημέρα τον βασανίζανε, και τον ρωτούσαν για ποιον δουλεύει, όμως ο Πόντιος ήταν παλικάρι… 

Μια νύχτα ο δεσμοφύλακας έξω απ’ το κελί του Πόντιου άκουσε κάτι περίεργους θορύβους και κάτι ψιθύρους. 
Έσκυψε στην κλειδαρότρυπα και βλέπει τον Πόντιο, καταματωμένο, να παίρνει φόρα από τη μια άκρη του κελιού, να χτυπάει το κεφάλι του στον τοίχο και να λέει:

- “θυμήσου ρε για ποιον δουλεύεις!…”

ΒΡΑΔΥΝΑ ΑΝΕΚΔΟΤΑ 17./12/2012


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Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by:
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Editor's Note: You receive Late Night Jokes because you are subscribed to the Jokes ezine. This PM edition is sent Monday through Friday.

Click here to stop receiving the evening edition.

Late Night Funny #1

According to a new poll, most Americans think Santa Claus is a Democrat – which is really odd because when I think of a fat, old white man who hires unskilled labor, I think Republican.

Conan O'Brien
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Late Night Funny #2

The fact of the matter is Santa isn’t a Democrat or a Republican. In fact, Santa isn’t even an American. I have news for you. The real Santa is Chinese. You think elves are the ones making that plastic crap we give our kids? No. Chinese people are.

Jimmy Kimmel

Late Night Funny #3

Yesterday, Colorado Governor John Hickenlooper signed an amendment that officially legalized marijuana in the state. Stoners took a moment to thank Governor Hickenlooper — then they spent a few hours just saying the word ‘Hickenlooper.’

Jimmy Fallon

Late Night Funny #4

A close friend of mine said his doctor gave him less than two weeks to live. But it turns out his doctor’s a Mayan. He says that to everybody.

Jay Leno

Δευτέρα 17 Δεκεμβρίου 2012

Nine Inch Bride (Conundrum) [Kindle Edition]


Nine Inch Bride (Conundrum) [Kindle Edition]

By  anonym
Publisher  Author Networks
ISBN  9780985389741
Are you an AUTHOR? Click here to include your books on BookDaily.com

"Visionary, metaphysical and lots of fun."
". . . fills a void as the literary answer to Atlas Shrugged."
"Not at all so whimsical as the series title may suggest, its predictive details draw a short straight line of relevance back to the world as it stands today, and in doing so offer a sharp indictment of the evils of our time and their effect on the shape of our future."
"The present and future, real and unreal fuel a serious and lighthearted bonfire of corporate political culture in America."
"My feeling on the last page was: Wow, everyone should HAVE to read this!"

Sample Chapter

What goes up must come down
The heel of one foot was free of its confines and rested on the rim of my shoe, my weight on the odd leg, like a lame donkey. But for the data case at my side and four hundred dollar shoes, I might have been mugged. My suit jacket was opened, tie looped from the collar, shirt soiled with sweat, unbuttoned. My face was compressed into a mask of bewildered anger. My head pounded. The hair on my scalp bristled.
I stood at the head of the Memorial facing the setting sun, low in its winter angle, gilding the facades of the buildings. The air was mild for the season. A light breeze blew in from a shimmering amber bay.
I had avoided the place for years. Now I was unable to move from the hallowed ground. The bare expression jangled my nerves. Why should the ground of the dead be hallowed and not the ground of the living? What was memorialized here? An implosion of arrogance, obscene in its scale? A desperate feat of arms? Failure and humiliation? Grandeur?
My life had collapsed with the market this afternoon. Wet eyes made a blur of the hori­zon and fury set my spine stiff. I stood, fists clenched, a battleground of hot serrated thoughts that resolved to one: I was ruined. The edifice of my life was a wreck. My implosion would have no memorial.
I stood cashless and in debt, as if naked, blindsided by a crash for the second time in my 28 years. This time the market fell I was completely leveraged out in a ballet of trades, my vanity come full circle with smoldering vengeance.
Freedom Tower’s cold shadow, crawling inexorably along the plaza stones in the failing sun, seemed like my flung-down soul. My eyes were locked in a blind stare, and within the mind’s eye arose a vision of reason and order, an incarnation of justice and faith, hard work, reasoned risk, and a well-deserved payoff. Mine. That payoff lay crushed like the tangle of steel and pulverized lives here memorialized.
Memorialized. Bile rose in my throat at the word. The machine that is time would not stop to remember me. The world would toil on insensate. Fallen and disgraced in the coliseum of finance, I had no sanctuary. The towers of avarice all around would not nod for my reprieve. All thumbs were down.
I waited for rage, pent up and compounded, to come hurtling back at the glass and steel spire, which seemed poised to implode under its overweening mass, poised to hammer down all sense and sensibility in its footprint. I waited for the spire to col­lapse in a rage of smoking jetsam like the Twin Towers, my bloodied corpse among the splintered bone and pulp like so much landfill trash.
It was not yet dark, the sun a sliver of blaze across the river, when the plaza began to fill around me. Well packaged flesh and bone straggled through the obedient doors of the surrounding buildings as the elevator banks regurgitated their cargo. Faces passed around me, sullen, drained, bitter, silent. The gaps between them closed until a steady throng of workers marched past me in the gathering dark.
My stomach clenched at the sight of them in the anxious twilight, a swarm of appetites, of teeth and clutches and blows that did not bite or claw or beat upon me. I was unseen and felt invisible. I was not cold, but I shivered convulsively, certain I bore witness as one who was not there.
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The 12th Planet (Book I) (Earth Chronicles)

The 12th Planet (Book I) (Earth Chronicles)

The 12th Planet (Book I) (Earth Chronicles)

By  Zecharia Sitchin
Publisher  Bear & Company
ISBN  9780939680887
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ENDLESS BEGINNING
Of the evidence that we have amassed to support our conclusions, exhibit number one is Man himself. In many ways, modem man -- Homo sapiens -- is a stranger to Earth.
Ever since Charles Darwin shocked the scholars and theologians of his time with the evidence of evolution, life on Earth has been traced through Man and the primates, mammals, and vertebrates, and backward through everlower life forms to the point, billions of years ago, at which life is presumed to have begun.
But having reached these beginnings and having begun to contemplate the probabilities of life elsewhere in our solar system and beyond, the scholars have become oneasy about life on Earth: Somehow, it does not belong here. If it began through a series of spontaneous chemical reactions, why does life on Earth have but a single source, and not a multitude of chance sources? And why does all living matter on Earth contain too little of the chemical elements that abound on Earth, and too much of those that are rare on our planet?
Was life, then, imported to Earth from elsewhere?
Man's position in the evolutionary chain has compounded the puzzle. Finding a broken skull here, a jaw there, scholars at first believed that Man originated in Asia some 500,000 years ago. But as older fossils were found, it became evident that the mills of evolution grind much, much slower. Man's ancestor apes are now placed at a staggering 25,000,000 years ago. Discoveries in East Africa reveal a transition to manlike apes (horninids) some 14,000,000 years ago. It was about 11,000,000 years later that the first ape-man worthy of the classification Homo appeared there.
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Deadly Indifference: The Perfect (Political) Storm: Hurricane Katrina, The Bush White House, and Beyond


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Deadly Indifference: The Perfect (Political) Storm: Hurricane Katrina, The Bush White House, and Beyond

Deadly Indifference: The Perfect (Political) Storm: Hurricane Katrina, The Bush White House, and Beyond

By  Michael D. Brown
ISBN  9781589794856
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Read about the inside happenings during Hurricane Katrina that no one else knew or could talk about. Vilified by the national media and public, Michael Brown sets the record straight on what really happened in the worst natural disaster in American history.
The former Under Secretary of Homeland Security and Director of FEMA is described by Fox Business' Neil Cavuto as an "equal opportunity basher" in that he describes the mistakes everyone made in this disaster.
The book is an insider's account of what really happened and surviving the personal attacks made on a very public stage.

Sample Chapter

I don’t remember the exact timing other than it was when the Comfort was entering the Gulf of Mexico, and heading toward New Orleans, not Pascagoula. It was late at night. I was in my hotel room, finally able to get a few hours sleep, secure in the knowledge that the two governors would have the assistance they requested. That was when my telephone rang.
Trent Lott was on the line, ordering me to send the Comfort to Pascagoula. “What kind of a FEMA director are you?” I remember Lott saying. His voice got louder and louder, and I started pacing back and forth, my voice rising with his. “They need that ship in Pascagoula!”
The senator was yelling at me, as though he could change reality by being forceful. I yelled back, determined to do what was right for the people who needed what the ship would provide. In the back of my mind I hoped nobody in adjoining rooms could hear me, at the same time not really caring. I knew the real reason for Lott’s call and it had nothing to do with any need in Mississippi. Governor Barbour was empowered to make that call. Governor Barbour was the man responsible for requesting what was needed in Mississippi and that did not include a medical ship when their hospitals were fully functional. Lott wanted his damned photo opportunity and was indifferent to all else.
I specifically asked Lott if he had spoken to Haley Barbour about this, because Haley and I had reached an agreement—he got the cruise ships, the hospital ship was going to New Orleans. I had an ulterior motive, too. I wanted Lott to remember that Haley Barbour was in charge. Senators might preen and pose and look impressive in Washington, but when it comes to running a state, being governor trumps a mere U.S. senator.
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The Hobbit (or There and Back Again)



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The Hobbit (or There and Back Again)

The Hobbit (or There and Back Again)

By  J.R.R. Tolkien
ISBN  9780395177112
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AN UNEXPECTED PARTY
IN A HOLE IN THE GROUND there lived a hobbit. Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell, nor yet a dry, bare, sandy hole with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat: it was a hobbit-hole, and that means comfort.
It had a perfectly round door like a porthole, painted green, with a shiny yellow brass knob in the exact middle. The door opened on to a tube-shaped hall like a tunnel: a very comfortable tunnel without smoke, with panelled walls, and floors tiled and carpeted, provided with polished chairs, and lots and lots of pegs for hats and coats—the hobbit was fond of visitors. The tunnel wound on and on, going fairly but not quite straight into the side of the hill—The Hill, as all the people for many miles round called it—and many little round doors opened out of it, first on one side and then on another. No going upstairs for the hobbit: bedrooms, bathrooms, cellars, pantries (lots of these), wardrobes (he had whole rooms devoted to clothes), kitchens, dining-rooms, all were on the same floor, and indeed on the same passage. The best rooms were all on the left-hand side (going in), for these were the only ones to have windows, deep-set round windows looking over his garden, and meadows beyond, sloping down to the river.
This hobbit was a very well-to-do hobbit, and his name was Baggins. The Bagginses had lived in the neighbourhood of The Hill for time out of mind, and people considered them very respectable, not only because most of them were rich, but also because they never had any adventures or did anything unexpected: you could tell what a Baggins would say on any question without the bother of asking him. This is a story of how a Baggins had an adventure, and found himself doing and saying things altogether unexpected. He may have lost the neighbours" respect, but he gained—well, you will see whether he gained anything in the end.
The mother of our particular hobbit—what is a hobbit? I suppose hobbits need some description nowadays, since they have become rare and shy of the Big People, as they call us. They are (or were) a little people, about half our height, and smaller than the bearded dwarves. Hobbits have no beards. There is little or no magic about them, except the ordinary everyday sort which helps them to disappear quietly and quickly when large stupid folk like you and me come blundering along, making a noise like elephants which they can hear a mile off. They are inclined to be fat in the stomach; they dress in bright colours (chiefly green and yellow); wear no shoes, because their feet grow natural leathery soles and thick warm brown hair like the stuff on their heads (which is curly); have long clever brown fingers, good-natured faces, and laugh deep fruity laughs (especially after dinner, which they have twice a day when they can get it). Now you know enough to go on with. As I was saying, the mother of this hobbit—of Bilbo Baggins, that is—was the famous Belladonna Took, one of the three remarkable daughters of the Old Took, head of the hobbits who lived across The Water, the small river that ran at the foot of The Hill. It was often said (in other families) that long ago one of the Took ancestors must have taken a fairy wife. That was, of course, absurd, but certainly there was still something not entirely hobbitlike about them, and once in a while members of the Took-clan would go and have adventures. They discreetly disappeared, and the family hushed it up; but the fact remained that the Tooks were not as respectable as the Bagginses, though they were undoubtedly richer.
Not that Belladonna Took ever had any adventures after she became Mrs. Bungo Baggins. Bungo, that was Bilbo"s father, built the most luxurious hobbit-hole for her (and partly with her money) that was to be found either under The Hill or over The Hill or across The Water, and there they remained to the end of their days. Still it is probable that Bilbo, her only son, although he looked and behaved exactly like a second edition of his solid and comfortable father, got something a bit queer in his make-up from the Took side, something that only waited for a chance to come out. The chance never arrived, until Bilbo Baggins was grown up, being about fifty years old or so, and living in the beautiful hobbit-hole built by his father, which I have just described for you, until he had in fact apparently settled down immovably.
By some curious chance one morning long ago in the quiet of the world, when there was less noise and more green, and the hobbits were still numerous and prosperous, and Bilbo Baggins was standing at his door after breakfast smoking an enormous long wooden pipe that reached nearly down to his woolly toes (neatly brushed)—Gandalf came by. Gandalf! If you had heard only a quarter of what I have heard about him, and I have only heard very little of all there is to hear, you would be prepared for any sort of remarkable tale. Tales and adventures sprouted up all over the place wherever he went, in the most extraordinary fashion. He had not been down that way under The Hill for ages and ages, not since his friend the Old Took died, in fact, and the hobbits had almost forgotten what he looked like. He had been away over The Hill and across The Water on businesses of his own since they were all small hobbit-boys and hobbit-girls.
All that the unsuspecting Bilbo saw that morning was an old man with a staff. He had a tall pointed blue hat, a long grey cloak, a silver scarf over which his long white beard hung down below his waist, and immense black boots.
"Good Morning!" said Bilbo, and he meant it. The sun was shining, and the grass was very green. But Gandalf looked at him from under long bushy eyebrows that stuck out further than the brim of his shady hat.
"What do you mean?" he said. "Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?"
"All of them at once," said Bilbo. "And a very fine morning for a pipe of tobacco out of doors, into the bargain. If you have a pipe about you, sit down and have a fill of mine! There"s no hurry, we have all the day before us!" Then Bilbo sat down on a seat by his door, crossed his legs, and blew out a beautiful grey ring of smoke that sailed up into the air without breaking and floated away over The Hill.

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