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Προσωπικο ημερολόγιο μαζί με διάφορες σκέψεις
Τετάρτη 29 Φεβρουαρίου 2012
Thank you for subscribing to the featured BookDaily sample of the day. As an ArcaMax subscriber, it’s quick and easy to set up a BookDaily.com account. Get started. Cameron Banks: The Reality Show
Ανέκδοτα, 29/2/2012
| Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by: |
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Dark SuckerFor years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light, but recent information has proved otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light; they suck dark. Thus, we call these bulbs Dark Suckers. The Dark Sucker Theory and the existence of dark suckers prove that dark has mass and is heavier than light. First, the basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. For example, take the Dark Sucker in the room you are in. There is much less dark right next to it than there is elsewhere. The larger the Dark Sucker, the greater its capacity to to suck dark. Dark Suckers in the parking lot have a much greater capacity to suck dark than the ones in this room. So with all things, Dark Suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the dark spot on a full Dark Sucker. A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You can see that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark that has been sucked into it. If you put a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, it will turn black. This is because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. One of the disadvantages of these primitive Dark Suckers is their limited range. There are also portable Dark Suckers. In these, the bulbs can't handle all the dark by themselves and must be aided by a Dark Storage Unit. When the Dark Storage Unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable Dark Sucker can operate again. Dark has mass. When dark goes into a Dark Sucker, friction from the mass generates heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating Dark Sucker. Candles present a special problem as the mass must travel into a solid wick instead of through clear glass. This generates a great amount of heat and therefore it's not wise to touch an operating candle. Also, dark is heavier than light. If you were to swim just below the surface of the lake, you would see a lot of light. If you were to slowly swim deeper and deeper, you would notice it getting darker and darker. When you get really deep, you would be in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats at the top. The is why it is called light. Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in a lit room in front of a closed, dark closet, and slowly opened the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet. But since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet. Next time you see an electric bulb, remember that it is a Dark Sucker. |
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Deep Thoughts About Pigs and Sheep- Do you think sheep know when you're pulling the wool over their eyes? - Does the person who inventories sheep often fall asleep on the job? - If a pig is sold to the pawn shop is it then called a ham-hock? - If we make sweaters out of a sheep's hair, what do the sheep use to make sweaters? - If you can't make a silk purse from a sow's ear what can you make with it? - If you pushed a pig down a hill would he be a sausage roll? - What do pigs say when they don't want to do something? Would it be 'Yea when humans fly'? - What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep? - Why can't pigs look up into the sky? - Why do pigs have curly tails? - Why do we call them guinea pigs when they are neither from Guinea nor are they pigs? - Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? - Why is it that only pigs and humans can get sunburn? - Why is it that the first thing we try to do after killing a pig is to cure it? - Would a small pig be called a hamlet? |
Small Town USATraveling through New England, a motorist stopped for gas in a tiny village. "What's this place called?" he asked the station attendant. "All depends," the native drawled. "Do you mean by them that has to live in this dad-blamed, moth-eaten, dust-covered dump, or by them that's merely enjoying its quaint and picturesque rustic charms for a short spell." |
Inventions Bound to Fail*The water-proof towel *Glow in the dark sunglasses *Solar powered flashlights *Submarine screen doors *A book on how to read *Inflatable dart boards *A dictionary index *Dehydrated water - Just add water *Waterproof tea bags *The helicopter ejector seat |
Τρίτη 28 Φεβρουαρίου 2012
Ανέκδοτο …ασορτί με τα νέα λογιστικά πρότυπα!
Ανέκδοτο …ασορτί με τα νέα λογιστικά πρότυπα!
Αναρτήθηκε από τον/την olympiada στο Φεβρουαρίου 28, 2012
Heartstone: A Journey out of the midnight of my soul
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Ανέκδοτα, 28/2/2012
| Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by: |
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Free DrinksThe bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this." A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration." The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again." The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!" The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double." To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch." |
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Simple OperationA man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation. A nurse stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?" He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'" "She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?" "She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!" |
Kidneys and LiversTwo old men were arguing the merits of their doctors. The first one said, "I don't trust your fancy doctor. He treated old Jake Waxman for a kidney ailment for nearly a year, and then Jake died of a liver ailment." "So what makes you think your doctor is any better?" asked his friend. "Because when my doctor treats you for a kidney ailment, you can be sure you'll die of a kidney ailment." |
Funny AdsThese are advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country (or so we are led to believe) - Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in. - The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities. - Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast. - Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else. - Stock up and save. Limit: one. - We build bodies that last a lifetime. - For Rent: 6-room hated apartment. - Man, honest. Will take anything. |
Δευτέρα 27 Φεβρουαρίου 2012
Ανέκδοτα, 27/2/2012
Chicken Scratchins'Q: Why does a chicken coop have two doors? A: Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan! Q: How long do chickens work? A: Around the cluck! Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: To prove to the possum that it could be done! Q: Why did the turkey cross the road? A: To prove he wasn't chicken! Q: Why did the rooster cross the road? A: To cockadoodle dooo something! |
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More Chicken Scratchins'Q: Which day of the week do chickens hate most? A: Fry-day! Q: What do you call the outside of a hand gren-egg? A: The bombshell! Q: What happens when you drop a hand gren-egg? A: It eggs-plodes! Q: Why did the chick disappoint his mother? A: He wasn't what he was cracked up to be! Q: Is chicken soup good for your health? A: Not if you're the chicken! Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: To get to the other side! Q: What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon? A: They go on peck-nics! |
Still More Chicken Scratchins'Q: What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy? A: "You scratch my beak and I'll scratch yours!" Q: Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud and cross the road again? A: Because he was a dirty double-crosser! Q: Why didn't the chicken skeleton cross the road? A: Because he didn't have enough guts! Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground? A: To get to the other slide! Q: What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? A: An eggroll! Q: What do chickens serve at birthday parties? A: Coop-cakes! |
Canine Scratchins'Q: What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose? A: A collie-flower! Q: Why do dogs wag their tails? A: Because no one else will do it for them! Q: Why didn't the dog speak to his foot? A: Because it's not polite to talk back to your paw! Q: What is the dogs favorite city? A: New Yorkie! Q: Who is the dogs favorite comedian? A: Growlcho Marx! Q: What did the cowboy say when the bear ate Lassie? A: "Well, doggone!" Q: What happened when the dog went to the flea circus? A: He stole the show! Q: How can if you have a stupid dog? A: It chases parked cars! |
Κυριακή 26 Φεβρουαρίου 2012
Η αποσήμανση των λέξεων, ασέλγεια εις βάρος της Κοινωνίας
Posted: 26 Feb 2012 03:16 AM PST
Έναν αιώνα αργότερα, ένας άλλος ποιητής, ο Πάνος Θασίτης, δυστυχώς ξεχασμένος και αυτός, έγραφε - με το ειρωνικό μειδίαμα μιας λύπης και συγκρατημένης οργής - για αυτό που θα μπορούσαμε να ονομάσουμε σήμερα ως την πιο βαρβαρική υποταγή αυτής της χιλιόχρονης, πλούσιας και ελεύθερης γλώσσας. |
Ανέκδοτα, 26/2/2012 Newly Issued Alcohol Warnings
Newly Issued Alcohol WarningsThe American Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage. 1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away. 2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot. 3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you 4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish. 5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him. 6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead. 7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob. |
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Doctor DoctorDoctor, Doctor I tend to flush a lot. Don't worry it's just a chain reaction! Doctor, doctor I keep thinking I'm a bee Buzz off can't you see I'm busy? Doctor these pills you gave me for BO... What's wrong with them? They keep slipping out from under my arms! Doctor, Doctor everyone keeps throwing me in the garbage. Don't talk rubbish! Doctor, Doctor I feel like a sheep. That's baaaaaaaaaad! Doctor, Doctor I feel like a bee. Well buzz off I'm busy! Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a mosquito Go away, sucker! |
That's so Wizard!What's the first thing that a wizard does in the morning? He wakes up! What do you call a wizard who's black and blue all over? Bruce! Why do witches wear pointy black hats? To keep their heads warm! What did the wizard say to his witch girlfriend? Hello gore-juice! What do you get if you cross a river with an inflatable wizard? To the other side! What do wizards stop for on the motorway? Witchhikers! What do you get if you cross a dinosaur with a wizard? Tyrannosaurus hex! |
Σάββατο 25 Φεβρουαρίου 2012
Ανέκδοτα, 25/2/2012
Animal FunniesWhy do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out forest fires! Why did the pig go to the casino? To play the slop machine! What is a pigs favorite ballet? Swine Lake! What do you get if you cross a hen with a dog? Pooched eggs! How do you stop a rooser crowing on Sunday? Eat him on Saturday! Why did the foal cough? Because he was a little horse! What is the opposite of cock-a doodle-doo? Cock-a-doodle-don't! What's the best way to keep milk from turning sour? Leave it inside the cow! Where do milkshakes come from? Excited cows! |
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First OffenseThe local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten shillings costs. "Now don't let me ever see your face again," said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go. "I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir," said the released man. "And why not?" "Because I'm the barman at your regular pub!" |
Get Your OwnOne day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost?" God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this? Let's say we have a man-making contest." To which the scientist replied, "Okay, great!" But, God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam." The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt. God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt." |
Housekeeping HusbandMy friend's husband is always telling her that housekeeping would be a snap if only she would organize her time better. Recently he had a chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away. When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, he crowed, "I made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and even had a bath." I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his wife, when he added sheepishly, "When I was making the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters out of the bowl, so I had to do all the rest |
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