Modern Technology
I saw a lady at work today putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. I inquired as to what she was doing and she said she was shopping on the internet, and they asked for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy".
======== I worked with an individual who plugged the power strip back into itself and for his life couldn't figure why the computer would not turn on. ======== 1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?" 2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?" 1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened." 2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?" 1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it." |
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Make the Beds
When we put our house up for sale, I stressed emphatically that my sons make their beds each morning. I left for work before they left for school, and I wanted to be sure that the house looked presentable when the agent showed it to prospective buyers.
I was surprised and impressed that my 15-year-old son's bed was perfectly made each day. One night when I went into his room, I discovered his secret. He was fast asleep on the floor in his sleeping bag. |
Josh Who?
My daughter called me at work to say I had received a call from "Josh" at the bank regarding my account.
Returning the call to my bank, the operator asked what Josh's last name was. I explained that he hadn't left his last name. Then she asked for his department, and I said that I didn't know that either. "There are 1500 employees in this building, ma'am," she told me rather sharply. So I asked her for her name. "Danielle," she said. "And your last name?" I asked. "Sorry," she replied, "we're not allowed to give last names." |
Golf Natural
A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers.
Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green." The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. "Now what?", the fellow asked the speechless pro. "Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup" the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again. The retiree replied, "Oh great! NOW you tell me!" |
Προσωπικο ημερολόγιο μαζί με διάφορες σκέψεις
Σάββατο 30 Ιουνίου 2012
Ανέκδοτα, 26/06/2012
Ανέκδοτα, 27/06/2012
Too Much Sugar
A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient.
"I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today." the caller said. "Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked. "No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette." |
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Jets Fan
A guy walks into a bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing a Jets jersey helmet and is holding Jets pom poms.
The bartender says,"Hey! No pets allowed in here! You'll have to leave!" The man begs, "Look I'm desperate. We're both big fans, my TV is broken, and this is the only place we can see the game!" After securing a promise that the dog will behave and warning him that if there is any trouble they will be thrown out, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game. The game begins with the Jets receiving a kickoff. They march down field stop at the 30,and kick a field goal. With that the dog jumps up on the bar and begins walking up and down the bar giving everyone a high-five. The bartender says,"Wow that is the most amazing thing I've ever seen! What does the dog do if they score a touchdown?" "I don't know," replies the owner, "I've only had him for four years." |
Anthill Golfing
Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot. Everything but the golfball. It sat in the same spot.
So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn't even wiggle. Two ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other, "Whoa! What are we going to do?" Said the other ant: "I don't know about you, but I'm going to get on the ball." |
High Blood Pressure
When a physician remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, "High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family."
"Your mother's side or your father's?" I asked. "Neither," he replied. "It's from my wife's family." "Oh, come now," I said. "How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?" He sighed. "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!" |
Οχι κύριε Masum Türker, δεν ήταν ρωσικό πλοίο που έριξε το RF-4, αλλά ΕΛΟΧΙΜ!!!
Οχι κύριε Masum Türker, δεν ήταν ρωσικό πλοίο που έριξε το RF-4, αλλά ΕΛΟΧΙΜ!!!
Αναρτήθηκε από τον/την antexoume στο Ιουνίου 26, 2012
Γ. Ρίτσος - Μέθοδος Αισιοδοξίας
Ἀναγράφω... - Γ. Ρίτσος - Μέθοδος Αισιοδοξίας
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Posted: 26 Jun 2012 12:30 PM PDT
ΜΕΘΟΔΟΣ ΑΙΣΙΟΔΟΞΙΑΣ
Μνησίκακος, ὅλο τὰ σκοτεινὰ σημεῖα θυμόταν - αὐτὰ ὑπογράμμιζε,
τα γενίκευε μάλιστα, κάπως αὐθαίρετα καὶ πειστικὰ μαζὶ - ἕνα σύστημα
βαθύ, σκοτεινό, καὶ πιθανὸν προβλεπτικό. Τὰ πάντα σκοῦρα, σχεδὸν μαῦρα -
ἔπιπλα, πρόσωπα, παράθυρα, ὁ χρόνος. Ὡστόσο ἡ μορφή του
ἔμενε φωτεινή, περιχυμένη κάποια μυστικὴ εὐτυχία - ἴσως ἀπ᾽ τὸ προνόμιό του
νὰ διακρίνει μέσα στὸ σκοτάδι, νὰ διακρίνει τὸ σκοτάδι, κι ἀκόμη
τὶς τέσσερεις μπρούτζινες σφαῖρες νὰ λάμπουν στὸ βάθος, στὸ μεγάλο κρεββάτι
ὅπου ἀναπαύονταν οἱ δύο ὡραῖοι νεκροὶ σὲ στάση συνουσίας.
26.V. 68
Από την τριπλή συλλογή Πέτρες, Επαναλήψεις, Κιγκλίδωμα
α.α. © 2010 - 2012 @ anaghrapho.blogspot.com
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ΙΩΝ ΔΡΑΓΟΥΜΗΣ (ΡΗΣΗ)
«Τι χρησιμεύει ένα κράτος ελληνικό, που αντί άλλης εξωτερικής πολιτικής, διορίζει προξένους σε Ανατολή και πρέσβεις στην Δύση, με την μονάκριβη ευχή και οδηγία: Προσέξτε, μην γεννάτε ζητήματα!» Ίων Δραγούμης
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Ανέκδοτα, 30/06/2012
St. Peter's Book
A man arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."
"How current is your copy?" he asks. "I get a download every ten minutes," St. Peter replies, "Why do you ask?" "I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was imminent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet." "I'm glad to hear that," Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life." The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Hmm, well there was this one time when I was driving down a road and I saw a giant group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of 'em torturing this poor woman. Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. "He was a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next. So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. "Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!'" St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?" "About three minutes ago." |
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Choose a Punishment
Private Loyds was brought up before the unit CO for some offense.
"You can take your choice, private - one month's restriction or twenty day's pay," said the officer. "All right, sir," said the bright soldier, "I'll take the money." |
Form Feed
Insurance form question and answer about a recent accident:
Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: I could have traveled by bus. A man collided with a cow and completed the requested form as follows: Q: What warning did you give the other party before the collision? A: Horn Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo |
I Want to Buy That
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes. Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?" The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!" |
Παρασκευή 29 Ιουνίου 2012
Παλιό αλλά καλό. Άντε καλημέρα και μην μασάτε, θα τους βρούμε όπου και να πάνε!
Παλιό αλλά καλό. Άντε καλημέρα και μην μασάτε, θα τους βρούμε όπου και να πάνε!
Αναρτήθηκε από τον/την olympiada στο Ιουνίου 29, 2012
Παρακολουθώντας κρυμμένος έναν πωλητή του, ο διευθυντής μεγάλουΓΛΩΣΣΑ
'...Πρόσεξε τη γλώσσα όπως την πατρίδα σου. Μια λέξη μπορεί να χαθεί, όπως μια πόλη, όπως η χώρα, όπως η ψυχή...''
Ανέκδοτα 29/06/2012-How to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity in the Workplace
How to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity in the Workplace
- Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.
- Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.
- Insist that your e-mail address is "zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com"
- Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver.
- Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
- Send e-mail to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
- Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
- Name all your pens and insist that meetings can't begin until they're all present.
- Come to work in your pajamas.
- Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)
- Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.
- Insist that your e-mail address is "zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com"
- Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver.
- Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
- Send e-mail to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
- Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
- Name all your pens and insist that meetings can't begin until they're all present.
- Come to work in your pajamas.
- Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)
More How to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity in the Workplace
- Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point Sparky." "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi."
- Suggest that beer be put in the soda machine. - Include a piece of your children's artwork as a cover page for all reports that you write. (If you don't have children, draw stick figures yourself.) - Schedule meetings for 4:14 pm. - Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing. - Agree to organize the company Christmas party. Hold it at McDonald's Playland. Charge everyone $15 each. - Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathroom." - No matter what anyone asks you, reply "Okay." - Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN." - Plant a hedge around your cubicle. - Build models of the Seven Wonders of the World using empty soda cans. |
Even More How to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity in the Workplace
- Put on your headphones on whenever the boss comes into the office. Talk in a loud voice. Remove your headphones when he or she leaves.
- Grow mold in your coffee cup. - When in conversation, no matter where you are in the office, mutter, "I think my phone is ringing" and leave. Go get coffee. - Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many." - Develop an unnatural fear of staplers. - Compose all your e-mail in rhyming couplets. - Install a set of buttons and lights in the arm of your chair. - Talk into your daytimer. - Put a picture of your mother on your business card. - "Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this. - Organize a carpool. Go to pick everyone up in a taxi. - E-mail nude gifs (graphic image files) of yourself to your coworkers. Tell them you got them off the Internet. |
Still More How to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity in the Workplace
- Hang mistletoe over your desk.
- Include a personal note on every e-mail you send. "On a personal note, I'm feeling a bit tired and grumpy today." "On a personal note, I'm pleased to announce that I got my highest score ever on Tetris last night." - Bring in dishes that you tried to cook but didn't turn out quite right as special treats for your co-workers. - While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive". - Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle. Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children. - For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth. - Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc. in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that." - Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. |
Πέμπτη 28 Ιουνίου 2012
Ένα ανέκδοτο από τα λίγα για καλημέρα… Καλημέρα λοιπόν, και συχνά τα πράγματα δεν είναι όπως φαίνονται
Ένα ανέκδοτο από τα λίγα για καλημέρα… Καλημέρα λοιπόν, και συχνά τα πράγματα δεν είναι όπως φαίνονται
Αναρτήθηκε από τον/την olympiada στο Ιουνίου 28, 2012
Πάει ένα ανδρόγυνο στο γιατρό. Παίρνει το λόγο η γυναίκα και λέει:
Γυναίκα: – .Γιατρέ μου έχουμε ένα πρόβλημα
Γιατρός: – Τι πρόβλημα;
Γυναίκα: – Ξέρετε γιατρέ μου, εγώ κι ο άνδρας μου είμαστε παντρεμένοι 20 χρόνια.
Γιατρός: – Συγχαρητήρια, αλλά ποιο είναι το πρόβλημα;
Γυναίκα: – Όταν ξυπνήσουμε το πρωί, ορμάω στον άνδρα μου, τον βάζω κάτω, τον φιλάω, τον χαϊδεύω και κάνουμε έρωτα.
Γιατρός: – Δε βλέπω πού είναι το πρόβλημα. Βέβαια, λίγα ζευγάρια μετά από τόσα χρόνια γάμου διατηρούν τόσο έντονη σεξουαλική ζωή, αλλά σε καμία περίπτωση δεν θα έλεγα ότι
είναι κάτι το ανησυχητικό.
Γυναίκα: – Δεν τελείωσα γιατρέ μου. Όταν ο άνδρας μου επιστρέψει από τη δουλειά για μεσημεριανό, πριν φάμε του ορμάω, τον βάζω κάτω, τον φιλάω, τον χαϊδεύω και κάνουμε έρωτα.
Γιατρός: – Με εκπλήσσει η έντονη σεξουαλική σας δραστηριότητα σε αυτή την ηλικία, αλλά σίγουρα δεν θα ανησυχούσα. Πολλά ζευγάρια θα ήθελαν να είναι σαν και σας. Γυναίκα: – Μα δεν τελείωσα γιατρέ μου. Όταν ο άνδρας μου επιστρέψει το βράδυ από τη δουλειά, του ορμάω, τον βάζω κάτω, τον φιλάω, τον χαϊδεύω και κάνουμε έρωτα. Πριν πέσουμε να κοιμηθούμε του ορμάω, τον βάζω κάτω, τον φιλάω, τον χαϊδεύω και κάνουμε έρωτα. Τη νύχτα ενώ κοιμάται, τον ξυπνάω του ορμάω, τον βάζω κάτω, τον φιλάω, τον χαϊδεύω και κάνουμε έρωτα.
Γιατρός: – Οφείλω να ομολογήσω ότι δεν έχω ξανακούσει τέτοια περίπτωση, αλλά εύχομαι να συνεχίσετε έτσι. Αφού σας προίκισε η φύση με τέτοια αντοχή, χαρείτε το όσο είναι καιρός.
Άνδρας: – Δεν τελείωσε γιατρέ μου. Αφού φύγω για τη δουλειά, έρχεται ο γαλατάς του ορμάει, τον βάζει κάτω, τον φιλάει, τον χαϊδεύει και κάνουν έρωτα. Έρχεται ο ταχυδρόμος του ορμάει, τον βάζει κάτω, τον φιλάει, τον χαϊδεύει και κάνουν έρωτα. Φωνάζει τον θυρωρό, του ορμάει, τον βάζει κάτω, τον φιλάει, τον χαϊδεύει και κάνουν έρωτα. Έρχεται ο μπακάλης με τα ψώνια του ορμάει, τον βάζει κάτω, τον φιλάει, τον χαϊδεύει και κάνουν έρωτα. Έρχεται ο χασάπης του ορμάει, τον βάζει κάτω, τον φιλάει, τον χαϊδεύει και κάνουν έρωτα. Αν πάλι έρθει ηλεκτρολόγος του ορμάει, τον βάζει κάτω, τον φιλάει, τον χαϊδεύει και κάνουν έρωτα. Αν έρθει υδραυλικός του ορμάει, τον βάζει κάτω, τον φιλάει, τον χαϊδεύει και κάνουν έρωτα και πάει λέγοντας:
Γιατρός: – Α, εσείς κυρία μου είσθε άρρωστη!!!
Γυναίκα (κλαίγοντας): – Βλέπεις, Γιώργο μου! Δεν είμαι πουτάνα! Άρρωστη είμαι η κακομοίρα. Α-Ρ-Ρ-Ω-Σ-Τ-Η!!!!!!!
Γυναίκα: – .Γιατρέ μου έχουμε ένα πρόβλημα
Γιατρός: – Τι πρόβλημα;
Γυναίκα: – Ξέρετε γιατρέ μου, εγώ κι ο άνδρας μου είμαστε παντρεμένοι 20 χρόνια.
Γιατρός: – Συγχαρητήρια, αλλά ποιο είναι το πρόβλημα;
Γυναίκα: – Όταν ξυπνήσουμε το πρωί, ορμάω στον άνδρα μου, τον βάζω κάτω, τον φιλάω, τον χαϊδεύω και κάνουμε έρωτα.
Γιατρός: – Δε βλέπω πού είναι το πρόβλημα. Βέβαια, λίγα ζευγάρια μετά από τόσα χρόνια γάμου διατηρούν τόσο έντονη σεξουαλική ζωή, αλλά σε καμία περίπτωση δεν θα έλεγα ότι
είναι κάτι το ανησυχητικό.
Γυναίκα: – Δεν τελείωσα γιατρέ μου. Όταν ο άνδρας μου επιστρέψει από τη δουλειά για μεσημεριανό, πριν φάμε του ορμάω, τον βάζω κάτω, τον φιλάω, τον χαϊδεύω και κάνουμε έρωτα.
Γιατρός: – Με εκπλήσσει η έντονη σεξουαλική σας δραστηριότητα σε αυτή την ηλικία, αλλά σίγουρα δεν θα ανησυχούσα. Πολλά ζευγάρια θα ήθελαν να είναι σαν και σας. Γυναίκα: – Μα δεν τελείωσα γιατρέ μου. Όταν ο άνδρας μου επιστρέψει το βράδυ από τη δουλειά, του ορμάω, τον βάζω κάτω, τον φιλάω, τον χαϊδεύω και κάνουμε έρωτα. Πριν πέσουμε να κοιμηθούμε του ορμάω, τον βάζω κάτω, τον φιλάω, τον χαϊδεύω και κάνουμε έρωτα. Τη νύχτα ενώ κοιμάται, τον ξυπνάω του ορμάω, τον βάζω κάτω, τον φιλάω, τον χαϊδεύω και κάνουμε έρωτα.
Γιατρός: – Οφείλω να ομολογήσω ότι δεν έχω ξανακούσει τέτοια περίπτωση, αλλά εύχομαι να συνεχίσετε έτσι. Αφού σας προίκισε η φύση με τέτοια αντοχή, χαρείτε το όσο είναι καιρός.
Άνδρας: – Δεν τελείωσε γιατρέ μου. Αφού φύγω για τη δουλειά, έρχεται ο γαλατάς του ορμάει, τον βάζει κάτω, τον φιλάει, τον χαϊδεύει και κάνουν έρωτα. Έρχεται ο ταχυδρόμος του ορμάει, τον βάζει κάτω, τον φιλάει, τον χαϊδεύει και κάνουν έρωτα. Φωνάζει τον θυρωρό, του ορμάει, τον βάζει κάτω, τον φιλάει, τον χαϊδεύει και κάνουν έρωτα. Έρχεται ο μπακάλης με τα ψώνια του ορμάει, τον βάζει κάτω, τον φιλάει, τον χαϊδεύει και κάνουν έρωτα. Έρχεται ο χασάπης του ορμάει, τον βάζει κάτω, τον φιλάει, τον χαϊδεύει και κάνουν έρωτα. Αν πάλι έρθει ηλεκτρολόγος του ορμάει, τον βάζει κάτω, τον φιλάει, τον χαϊδεύει και κάνουν έρωτα. Αν έρθει υδραυλικός του ορμάει, τον βάζει κάτω, τον φιλάει, τον χαϊδεύει και κάνουν έρωτα και πάει λέγοντας:
Γιατρός: – Α, εσείς κυρία μου είσθε άρρωστη!!!
Γυναίκα (κλαίγοντας): – Βλέπεις, Γιώργο μου! Δεν είμαι πουτάνα! Άρρωστη είμαι η κακομοίρα. Α-Ρ-Ρ-Ω-Σ-Τ-Η!!!!!!!
Ανέκδοτα, 28/06/2012
Two Alligators
Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near Washington,DC.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you kin be so much bigger 'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as kids. I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big 'gator, What you been eatin' boy?"
"Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'gator.
"Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"
"Down 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot by the capitol."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"
"Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexus and wait fer one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the manure out of 'em, and eat 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin' the manure out of a Politician, there ain't nothin' left but the hind quarters and a briefcase."
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you kin be so much bigger 'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as kids. I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big 'gator, What you been eatin' boy?"
"Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'gator.
"Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"
"Down 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot by the capitol."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"
"Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexus and wait fer one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the manure out of 'em, and eat 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin' the manure out of a Politician, there ain't nothin' left but the hind quarters and a briefcase."
A Lesson in English
Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform in bed. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.
The medicine man says, "I can cure this." That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123'"
The guy then asks, "What happens when I want the effect to go away."
The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234. But be warned - it will not work again for another year."
Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers.
That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his best shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, "123." It works better than he thought.
Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"
And now you know why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition
The medicine man says, "I can cure this." That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123'"
The guy then asks, "What happens when I want the effect to go away."
The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234. But be warned - it will not work again for another year."
Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers.
That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his best shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, "123." It works better than he thought.
Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"
And now you know why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition
Politics Defined
One evening a small boy comes home confused and concerned. His father enquires as to his problem, where upon the boy looks up to his father, and very matter-of-factly asks "What's politics, Dad?"
"Well you see it is like this son; your mother, she is like the government, she controls everything. You have to do what you are told and have little say in anything, so you are the people. I earn the money, so I represent capitalism. Your nanny, she is the worker, and she represents the workers, meanwhile your little brother is the future. Does that make it clearer?"
The boy wanders away and thinks about it. Later that night the boy wakes up to hear his little brother crying. He goes to see what has happened and finds that he has made a mess in his nappy. Upon learning this he goes to tell his mother. When he gets there he finds that his mother is asleep and can't be woken. His father is not there, instead he see through the door in his nanny's room that his Father is in bed with the Nanny. Finally, seeing that nothing can be done, he goes back to sleep.
The next morning at breakfast his father asks if he understood politics.
"I think so Dad - they way I see it, the government is ignoring the people, capitalism is screwing the workers, and the future is in the toilet."
"Well you see it is like this son; your mother, she is like the government, she controls everything. You have to do what you are told and have little say in anything, so you are the people. I earn the money, so I represent capitalism. Your nanny, she is the worker, and she represents the workers, meanwhile your little brother is the future. Does that make it clearer?"
The boy wanders away and thinks about it. Later that night the boy wakes up to hear his little brother crying. He goes to see what has happened and finds that he has made a mess in his nappy. Upon learning this he goes to tell his mother. When he gets there he finds that his mother is asleep and can't be woken. His father is not there, instead he see through the door in his nanny's room that his Father is in bed with the Nanny. Finally, seeing that nothing can be done, he goes back to sleep.
The next morning at breakfast his father asks if he understood politics.
"I think so Dad - they way I see it, the government is ignoring the people, capitalism is screwing the workers, and the future is in the toilet."
Catholic School Math
A ten year old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.
After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door.
For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card.
The boy walked in with his report card - unopened - laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the subject of MATH.
Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.
"Was it the nuns that did it?", the father asked.
The boy only shook his head and said, "No."
"Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?"
"No."
"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"
"Nope," said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy they nailed to the 'plus sign,' I just knew they meant business!"
After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door.
For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card.
The boy walked in with his report card - unopened - laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the subject of MATH.
Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.
"Was it the nuns that did it?", the father asked.
The boy only shook his head and said, "No."
"Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?"
"No."
"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"
"Nope," said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy they nailed to the 'plus sign,' I just knew they meant business!"
ΠΕΡΙ ΠΛΕΟΝΕΞΙΑΣ
Ποιος είναι πλεονέκτης; Όποιος δεν περιορίζεται στα απαραίτητα. Ποιος άρπαγας; Εκείνος που αφαιρεί την περιουσία των άλλων.
Εσύ δεν είσαι πλεονέκτης; Δεν είσαι άρπαγας; Δεν κρατάς για τον εαυτό σου όσα σου δόθηκαν για να τα διαχειρισθείς προς όφελος όλων; Αυτός που γδύνει τον ντυμένο θα ονομαστεί λωποδύτης αλλά αυτός που δεν ντύνει τον γυμνό μήπως δεν αξίζει αυτή την ονομασία;
Εσύ δεν είσαι πλεονέκτης; Δεν είσαι άρπαγας; Δεν κρατάς για τον εαυτό σου όσα σου δόθηκαν για να τα διαχειρισθείς προς όφελος όλων; Αυτός που γδύνει τον ντυμένο θα ονομαστεί λωποδύτης αλλά αυτός που δεν ντύνει τον γυμνό μήπως δεν αξίζει αυτή την ονομασία;
Πέμπτη 21 Ιουνίου 2012
Λυρικὸ Βίος-ΣΙΚΕΛΙΑΝΟΣ
Ἀπό τίς ἀμμουδιές τῆς Λιβύης γράφει γιά το νησί του.
Αἰωνία του ἡ μνήμη .
Γυρισμός
Ὕπνος ἱερός, λιονταρίσιος,
τοῦ γυρισμοῦ, στὴ μεγάλη
τῆς ἀμμουδιᾶς ἁπλωσιά.
Στὴν καρδιά μου
τὰ βλέφαρά μου κλεισμένα·
καὶ λάμπει, ὡσὰν ἥλιος, βαθιά μου…
Βοὴ τοῦ πελάου πλημμυρίζει
τὶς φλέβες μου·
ἀπάνω μου τρίζει
σὰ μυλολίθαρο ὁ ἥλιος· 10
γεμάτες χτυπάει τὶς φτεροῦγες ὁ ἀγέρας·
ἀγκομαχάει τὸ ἄφαντο ἀξόνι.
Δέ μου ἀκούγεται ἡ τρίσβαθη ἀνάσα.
Γαληνεύει, ὡς στὸν ἄμμο, βαθιά μου
καὶ ἁπλώνεται ἡ θάλασσα πᾶσα -
……………………………………………….
Μιὰ βοὴ φτάνει ἀπόμακρα·
καὶ ἄξαφνα,
σὰν πανὶ τὸ σκαρμὸ ποὺ ἔχει φύγει,
χτυπάει· εἶν᾿ ὁ ἀγέρας ποὺ σίμωσε,
εἶν᾿ ὁ ἥλιος ποὺ δεῖ μπρὸς στὰ μάτια μου
- καὶ ὁ ἁγνὸς ὄχι ξένα τὰ βλέφαρα
στὴν ὑπέρλευκην ὄψη του ἀνοίγει.
Πετιῶμαι ἀπάνω. Ἡ ἀλαφρότη μου
εἶναι ἴσια με τὴ δύναμή μου.
Λάμπει τὸ μέτωπό μου ὁλόδροσο,
στὸ βασίλεμα σειέται ἀνοιξάτικο
βαθιὰ τὸ κορμί μου.
Βλέπω γύρα. Τὸ Ἰόνιο,
καὶ ἡ ἐλεύτερη γῆ μου!
(ἀπὸ τὸν Λυρικὸ Βίο)
Αἰωνία του ἡ μνήμη .
Γυρισμός
Ὕπνος ἱερός, λιονταρίσιος,
τοῦ γυρισμοῦ, στὴ μεγάλη
τῆς ἀμμουδιᾶς ἁπλωσιά.
Στὴν καρδιά μου
τὰ βλέφαρά μου κλεισμένα·
καὶ λάμπει, ὡσὰν ἥλιος, βαθιά μου…
Βοὴ τοῦ πελάου πλημμυρίζει
τὶς φλέβες μου·
ἀπάνω μου τρίζει
σὰ μυλολίθαρο ὁ ἥλιος· 10
γεμάτες χτυπάει τὶς φτεροῦγες ὁ ἀγέρας·
ἀγκομαχάει τὸ ἄφαντο ἀξόνι.
Δέ μου ἀκούγεται ἡ τρίσβαθη ἀνάσα.
Γαληνεύει, ὡς στὸν ἄμμο, βαθιά μου
καὶ ἁπλώνεται ἡ θάλασσα πᾶσα -
……………………………………………….
Μιὰ βοὴ φτάνει ἀπόμακρα·
καὶ ἄξαφνα,
σὰν πανὶ τὸ σκαρμὸ ποὺ ἔχει φύγει,
χτυπάει· εἶν᾿ ὁ ἀγέρας ποὺ σίμωσε,
εἶν᾿ ὁ ἥλιος ποὺ δεῖ μπρὸς στὰ μάτια μου
- καὶ ὁ ἁγνὸς ὄχι ξένα τὰ βλέφαρα
στὴν ὑπέρλευκην ὄψη του ἀνοίγει.
Πετιῶμαι ἀπάνω. Ἡ ἀλαφρότη μου
εἶναι ἴσια με τὴ δύναμή μου.
Λάμπει τὸ μέτωπό μου ὁλόδροσο,
στὸ βασίλεμα σειέται ἀνοιξάτικο
βαθιὰ τὸ κορμί μου.
Βλέπω γύρα. Τὸ Ἰόνιο,
καὶ ἡ ἐλεύτερη γῆ μου!
(ἀπὸ τὸν Λυρικὸ Βίο)
Τετάρτη 20 Ιουνίου 2012
Σαν ξημερώσει όλα αλλάζουν
Ένα ποίημα του λογοτέχνη Νίκου Ζώρη από το βιβλίο του «Σαν ξημερώσει όλα αλλάζουν…»,
αφιερωμένο στην Ελληνική νεολαία.
Για μια καλύτερη ζωή
Οκτώβριος 2007
Σας έμαθαν να μην παίζετε όπως παίζουν τα παιδιά,
να κυνηγάτε συνεχώς το χρόνο για να προλάβετε πολλά.
Να τρέχετε στα σχολεία, στα φροντιστήρια καθημερινά,
για ν’ αποστηθίσετε πράγματα, ανούσια, άχρηστα, περιττά.
Σας έμαθαν να επικοινωνείτε με τα τηλέφωνα τα κινητά,
να “χάνεστε” για ώρες στους υπολογιστές μπροστά.
Με ακουστικά στ’ αυτιά, βουβά, ν’ ακούτε μουσική,
να βλέπετε τον κόσμο μέσα από μια οθόνη ηλεκτρονική.
Κάποιοι σας θέλουν να είστε όντα άβουλα, μιμητικά,
ν’ ακολουθείτε τη μόδα που αλλάζει επίτηδες συχνά.
Το κάνουν δήθεν για να είστε εσείς πρόσωπα μοναδικά,
μα αυτοί σας θέλουν άτομα υπόδουλα και καταναλωτικά.
Κι εσείς νομίσατε πως ζείτε κάπου που όλα είναι ιδανικά,
που μπορείτε όλα να τα ’χετε εύκολα, γρήγορα, απλά.
Νομίσατε πως αυτή είν’ η ζωή, ευχάριστη κι ονειρεμένη
κι αυτή την πλάνη ζείτε πια, ανυποψίαστοι και καλωδιωμένοι.
Μα όταν η ζωή κάποια στιγμή πρόσταξε να τη γνωρίσετε,
δε φανταστήκατε ποτέ αυτό που επρόκειτο να ζήσετε.
Στα πτυχία και στις εξειδικεύσεις κανείς δε δίνει σημασία,
το “σύστημα” σας θέλει για απασχόληση μόνο, όχι για εργασία.
Το “σύστημα” σας θέλει χωρίς όρους, όρια και εγγυήσεις,
δε σας δίνει δικαιώματα, δε δέχεται αμφισβητήσεις.
Το “σύστημα” θέλει ανειδίκευτους για να τους αντικαθιστά,
θέλει ευελιξία, αδιαφορεί για ασφάλιση, οικογένεια και παιδιά.
Κι ο νέος o ερωτευμένος ή η νέα που κάποιον νέο αγαπά,
εν τέλει το συμφέρον και την αποκατάσταση αναζητά.
Κι επιλέγει να κάνει μια άλλη σχέση ή ένα γάμο για όλα αυτά,
εγκαταλείποντας την αδελφή ψυχή, ωμά, αδιάφορα, ψυχρά.
Κάποιοι από εσάς που βρήκατε μια πρόσκαιρη δουλειά,
κουβαλάτε στην ψυχή σας μια απογοήτευση βαθιά.
Δεν είστε οι άλλοτε φτωχοί, πλην αξιοπρεπείς εργαζόμενοι,
είστε κάποιοι υπό δοκιμή και υπό προθεσμία υποαμειβόμενοι.
Όσο κι αν δουλεύετε καλά, όσο κι αν δουλεύετε πολύ,
αν τ’ αφεντικό κρίνει ότι το κόστος πρέπει να μειωθεί,
σας απολύει και προσλαμβάνει άλλον, επιζητά λύση φθηνή,
τ’ αφεντικό θα χαρεί, μα η δική σας μοίρα έχει σφραγιστεί.
Πορεύεστε σε μια κοινωνία που κάθε αξία έχει πια χαθεί,
που οι άνθρωποι σε αντίπαλα στρατόπεδα έχουν χωριστεί.
Άνδρες εναντίων γυναικών, νέοι εναντίων παλιών, πλούσιοι εναντίων φτωχών, όλα πια στη διάθεση των δυνατών.
Οι γονείς, το σχολείο, η κοινωνία, δε σας τα είπαν αυτά,
σας προτρέψανε όλοι να βάλετε τον πήχη πολύ ψηλά.
Κι όταν ήρθε η ώρα να πάρετε όσα σας είχαν υποσχεθεί,
είδατε πως τα όνειρα που κάποτε είχατε, έχουνε πια θαφτεί.
Κάποιοι από εσάς παραπαίετε από δουλειά σε δουλειά,
κάποιοι άλλοι δέχεστε συνέχεια υποσχέσεις για δουλειά.
Κι ο χρόνος είν’ αμείλικτος, σας πιέζει σε όλα τα ζητήματα,
κάποιοι αντέχετε, κάποιων άλλων η ζωή έχει δεινοπαθήματα.
Η προηγούμενη γενιά, αφήνει σ’ εσάς κακή κληρονομιά,
υλικά αγαθά πολλά, μα δεν μπορείτε ν’ απολαύσετε όλα αυτά.
Η ποσότητα κυριαρχεί, η ποιότητα έχει χαθεί, η ζωή στυγνή,
ο χρόνος δεν επαρκεί, το περιβάλλον νοσεί, τι άραγε θα συμβεί;
Μπορεί κάτι να συμβεί, μπορεί και τίποτα να μη συμβεί,
η γη θα συνεχίσει να υπάρχει, χωρίς όμως πραγματική ζωή!
Γι’ αυτό, κάντε εσείς της ειρηνικής αμφισβήτησης την αρχή,
για τη γενιά σας, την πατρίδα σας, τα παιδιά σας, για τούτη τη γη.
Υπάρχει ελπίδα οι προσδοκίες σας ν’ ανθίσουν ξανά,
κάποιοι το αξίζετε, γιατί είστε παιδιά ηθικά και ικανά.
Γίνετε ενεργοί, δε θ’ αντέξει άλλες πληγές η δική σας η ψυχή,
κάντε την πίκρα σας κραυγή, τη νιότη σας ορμή, για μια καλύτερη ζωή!
αφιερωμένο στην Ελληνική νεολαία.
Για μια καλύτερη ζωή
Οκτώβριος 2007
Σας έμαθαν να μην παίζετε όπως παίζουν τα παιδιά,
να κυνηγάτε συνεχώς το χρόνο για να προλάβετε πολλά.
Να τρέχετε στα σχολεία, στα φροντιστήρια καθημερινά,
για ν’ αποστηθίσετε πράγματα, ανούσια, άχρηστα, περιττά.
Σας έμαθαν να επικοινωνείτε με τα τηλέφωνα τα κινητά,
να “χάνεστε” για ώρες στους υπολογιστές μπροστά.
Με ακουστικά στ’ αυτιά, βουβά, ν’ ακούτε μουσική,
να βλέπετε τον κόσμο μέσα από μια οθόνη ηλεκτρονική.
Κάποιοι σας θέλουν να είστε όντα άβουλα, μιμητικά,
ν’ ακολουθείτε τη μόδα που αλλάζει επίτηδες συχνά.
Το κάνουν δήθεν για να είστε εσείς πρόσωπα μοναδικά,
μα αυτοί σας θέλουν άτομα υπόδουλα και καταναλωτικά.
Κι εσείς νομίσατε πως ζείτε κάπου που όλα είναι ιδανικά,
που μπορείτε όλα να τα ’χετε εύκολα, γρήγορα, απλά.
Νομίσατε πως αυτή είν’ η ζωή, ευχάριστη κι ονειρεμένη
κι αυτή την πλάνη ζείτε πια, ανυποψίαστοι και καλωδιωμένοι.
Μα όταν η ζωή κάποια στιγμή πρόσταξε να τη γνωρίσετε,
δε φανταστήκατε ποτέ αυτό που επρόκειτο να ζήσετε.
Στα πτυχία και στις εξειδικεύσεις κανείς δε δίνει σημασία,
το “σύστημα” σας θέλει για απασχόληση μόνο, όχι για εργασία.
Το “σύστημα” σας θέλει χωρίς όρους, όρια και εγγυήσεις,
δε σας δίνει δικαιώματα, δε δέχεται αμφισβητήσεις.
Το “σύστημα” θέλει ανειδίκευτους για να τους αντικαθιστά,
θέλει ευελιξία, αδιαφορεί για ασφάλιση, οικογένεια και παιδιά.
Κι ο νέος o ερωτευμένος ή η νέα που κάποιον νέο αγαπά,
εν τέλει το συμφέρον και την αποκατάσταση αναζητά.
Κι επιλέγει να κάνει μια άλλη σχέση ή ένα γάμο για όλα αυτά,
εγκαταλείποντας την αδελφή ψυχή, ωμά, αδιάφορα, ψυχρά.
Κάποιοι από εσάς που βρήκατε μια πρόσκαιρη δουλειά,
κουβαλάτε στην ψυχή σας μια απογοήτευση βαθιά.
Δεν είστε οι άλλοτε φτωχοί, πλην αξιοπρεπείς εργαζόμενοι,
είστε κάποιοι υπό δοκιμή και υπό προθεσμία υποαμειβόμενοι.
Όσο κι αν δουλεύετε καλά, όσο κι αν δουλεύετε πολύ,
αν τ’ αφεντικό κρίνει ότι το κόστος πρέπει να μειωθεί,
σας απολύει και προσλαμβάνει άλλον, επιζητά λύση φθηνή,
τ’ αφεντικό θα χαρεί, μα η δική σας μοίρα έχει σφραγιστεί.
Πορεύεστε σε μια κοινωνία που κάθε αξία έχει πια χαθεί,
που οι άνθρωποι σε αντίπαλα στρατόπεδα έχουν χωριστεί.
Άνδρες εναντίων γυναικών, νέοι εναντίων παλιών, πλούσιοι εναντίων φτωχών, όλα πια στη διάθεση των δυνατών.
Οι γονείς, το σχολείο, η κοινωνία, δε σας τα είπαν αυτά,
σας προτρέψανε όλοι να βάλετε τον πήχη πολύ ψηλά.
Κι όταν ήρθε η ώρα να πάρετε όσα σας είχαν υποσχεθεί,
είδατε πως τα όνειρα που κάποτε είχατε, έχουνε πια θαφτεί.
Κάποιοι από εσάς παραπαίετε από δουλειά σε δουλειά,
κάποιοι άλλοι δέχεστε συνέχεια υποσχέσεις για δουλειά.
Κι ο χρόνος είν’ αμείλικτος, σας πιέζει σε όλα τα ζητήματα,
κάποιοι αντέχετε, κάποιων άλλων η ζωή έχει δεινοπαθήματα.
Η προηγούμενη γενιά, αφήνει σ’ εσάς κακή κληρονομιά,
υλικά αγαθά πολλά, μα δεν μπορείτε ν’ απολαύσετε όλα αυτά.
Η ποσότητα κυριαρχεί, η ποιότητα έχει χαθεί, η ζωή στυγνή,
ο χρόνος δεν επαρκεί, το περιβάλλον νοσεί, τι άραγε θα συμβεί;
Μπορεί κάτι να συμβεί, μπορεί και τίποτα να μη συμβεί,
η γη θα συνεχίσει να υπάρχει, χωρίς όμως πραγματική ζωή!
Γι’ αυτό, κάντε εσείς της ειρηνικής αμφισβήτησης την αρχή,
για τη γενιά σας, την πατρίδα σας, τα παιδιά σας, για τούτη τη γη.
Υπάρχει ελπίδα οι προσδοκίες σας ν’ ανθίσουν ξανά,
κάποιοι το αξίζετε, γιατί είστε παιδιά ηθικά και ικανά.
Γίνετε ενεργοί, δε θ’ αντέξει άλλες πληγές η δική σας η ψυχή,
κάντε την πίκρα σας κραυγή, τη νιότη σας ορμή, για μια καλύτερη ζωή!
Τρίτη 19 Ιουνίου 2012
Ανέκδοτα, 19/06/2012
Two Lions
Once upon a time, long, long ago there were two unique lions in the jungles of Africa. Both, it seems, had human-like qualities that made them claim territory, daring the other to cross over the line. Strange as it seems, the boundary between their turf was a well traveled trail through the jungle.
All day every day, both lions lay in the brush staring across the trail at their compatriot, daring him to cross into their territory.
The local natives knew of this animal feud, but all this was unbeknown to African Jack, a well-known and must publicized guide who did not speak Lionese and was unfamiliar with the territory.
While he was leading a safari through the jungle, walking all day and cutting vines with their machetes, all this constant hacking brush had them worn to a frazzle. After seeing two or three of his safari drop from exhaustion, African Jack decided to stop on the trail between these two lions and camp for the night.
After sitting up camp, eating, and getting his safari settled African Jack sat on a stump and began reading. While he was busily engaged in the printed page, the two lions, simultaneously, pounced on African Jack and ate him on the spot.
When the 6 o'clock news heard of the tragedy, they reported, "African Jack killed this evening. The motive is unclear, but it is reported he was reading between the lions."
All day every day, both lions lay in the brush staring across the trail at their compatriot, daring him to cross into their territory.
The local natives knew of this animal feud, but all this was unbeknown to African Jack, a well-known and must publicized guide who did not speak Lionese and was unfamiliar with the territory.
While he was leading a safari through the jungle, walking all day and cutting vines with their machetes, all this constant hacking brush had them worn to a frazzle. After seeing two or three of his safari drop from exhaustion, African Jack decided to stop on the trail between these two lions and camp for the night.
After sitting up camp, eating, and getting his safari settled African Jack sat on a stump and began reading. While he was busily engaged in the printed page, the two lions, simultaneously, pounced on African Jack and ate him on the spot.
When the 6 o'clock news heard of the tragedy, they reported, "African Jack killed this evening. The motive is unclear, but it is reported he was reading between the lions."
Marry Me
An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said "yes".
The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny..." After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail, he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal. "Oh", she said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was." |
The Claus Family
St. Nicholas is the main Claus.
His wife is a relative Claus. His children are dependent Clauses. Their Dutch uncle is a restrictive Claus. As a group, they're all renoun Clauses. Santa's elves are subordinate Clauses |
Funny News Headlines
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Air Head Fired
Steals Clock, Faces Time
Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Air Head Fired
Steals Clock, Faces Time
Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
Ανέκδοτα, 14/06/2012
Transportation in Heaven
And it came to pass that an angel came up to three newly-dead men and said - "You are all to be allocated a method for transportation around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly."
The angel looked at the first guy, Dave, and said- "You, Dave, were a bad man in life. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat-up Dodge."
The angel next looked at the second guy, Jon, and said- "You were not as sinful, but you still cheated on your wife twice. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota station wagon."
The angel finally looked at our hero, Sam, and said- "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife. For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari."
A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam's Ferrari. There he is, sitting on the bonnet, his head in his hands, crying.
"What's wrong, Sam?" they asked. "You got the Ferrari! You're set forever! Why so down?"
Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth, and said, "I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard."
The angel looked at the first guy, Dave, and said- "You, Dave, were a bad man in life. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat-up Dodge."
The angel next looked at the second guy, Jon, and said- "You were not as sinful, but you still cheated on your wife twice. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota station wagon."
The angel finally looked at our hero, Sam, and said- "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife. For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari."
A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam's Ferrari. There he is, sitting on the bonnet, his head in his hands, crying.
"What's wrong, Sam?" they asked. "You got the Ferrari! You're set forever! Why so down?"
Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth, and said, "I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard."
Rules Kids Won't Learn in School
Rule #1. Life is not fair. Get used to it. The average teenager uses the phrase "it's not fair" 8.6 times a day. You got it from your parents, who said it so often you decided they must be the most idealistic generation ever. When they started hearing it from their own kids, they realized Rule #1.
Rule #2. The real world won't care as much about your self-esteem as your school does. It'll expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself. This may come as a shock. Usually, when inflated self-esteem meets reality, kids complain that it's not fair. (See Rule No. 1) Rule #3. Sorry, you won't make $50,000 a year right out of high school. And you won't be a vice president or have a car phone either. You may even have to wear a uniform that doesn't have a Gap label. Rule #4. If you think your teacher is tough, wait 'til you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure, so he tends to be a bit edgier. When you screw up, he is not going ask you how feel about it. Rule #5. Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping. They called it opportunity. They weren't embarrassed making minimum wage either. They would have been embarrassed to sit around talking about Fifty Cent all weekend. |
The Last Word from Women
Men are like fine wine...
They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with. |
Ανέκδοτα, 15/06/2012
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What Will the Neighbors Think?
Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave when the following took place.
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," complained Jack as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money." | ||
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