Ανέκδοτα, 11/04/2012

Horse?

A man sat quietly reading his morning paper one Sunday morning. Suddenly, he is knocked almost senseless by his wife, who stands behind him holding a frying pan in hand.

Man: "What was that for?"

Wife: "Why do you have a piece of paper in your pocket with "Daisy" written on it?"

Man: "Oh honey, don't you remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Daisy was the name of the horse I bet on."

The wife was satisfied, and appologized for bonking him.

Three days later he is again sitting reading the paper when once again he is bonked on the head.

Man: "What's that for this time?"

Wife: "Your horse called."

New Toy Bill had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present. "Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?" Five small voices answered in unison: "Okay, Dad, you get the toy." Print | Comment | Tweet It | Facebook It

Missing School The telephone rings in the principal's office at a school. "Hello, this is Dunn Elementary," answers the principal. "Hi. Jimmy won't be able to come to school all next week," replies the voice. "Well, what seems to be the problem with him?" We are all going on a family vacation," says the voice,

"I hope it is all right." "I guess that would be fine," says the principal. "May I ask who is calling?" "Sure. This is my father!" Print | Comment | Tweet It | Facebook It

Farmer's Garden A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer's garden. "I'll give you my two pennies for that tomato," said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine. "No," said the farmer, "I get a dime for a tomato like that one."

The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take two pennies for that one?"

"Yes," replied the farmer, "I'll give you that one for two cents."

"OK," said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer's hand, "I'll pick it up in about a week."

Ανέκδοτα, 10/4/2012

10 Characteristics of The Company Car

** Accelerates at a phenomenal rate.

** Has a much shorter braking distance than the private car.

** Can take speed humps at twice the speed of private cars.

** The battery, radiator water, oil and tires never have to be checked.

** It can be driven up to 60 miles with the oil warning light flashing.

** It needs cleaning less often than private cars.

** The suspension is reinforced to allow for the weekend loads of bricks, concrete slabs and other building material.

** Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by turning up the radio.

** It needs no security system and may be left anywhere, unlocked and with the keys in the ignition.

** It is especially sand and waterproof for barbeques and fishing expeditions on remote beaches.

Darth Vader Strikes Back

There's going to be an extra scene included in the DVD release of EMPIRE STRIKES BACK coming up next year! Basically, it expands on the scene where Vader reveals his fatherhood to Luke, and ties up some loose ends created with the release of Episode 1 & 2...

The Empire Strikes Back: Extra-Special Edition

INT: BESPIN GANTRY - MOMENTS LATER:

A furious lightsaber duel is underway. DARTH VADER is backing LUKE SKYWALKER towards the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader, chops off Luke's hand! It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs away. He looks around, but realizes there's nowhere to go but straight down.

Darth Vader: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father.

Luke: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!

Darth Vader: No... I am your father!

Luke: No, it's not true! It's impossible.

Darth Vader: Search your feelings... you know it to be true...

Luke: NO!

Darth Vader: Yes, it is true... and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours?

Luke: Threepio?

Darth Vader: Yes... Threepio... I built him... when I was 7 years old...

Luke: No...

Darth Vader: Seven years old! And what have you done? Look at yourself, no hand, no job, and couldn't even levitate your own ship out of the swamp...

Luke: I destroyed your precious Death Star!

Darth Vader: When you were 20! When I was 10, I single-handedly destroyed a Trade Federation Droid Control ship!

Luke: Well, it's not my fault...

Darth Vader: Oh, here we go... "Poor me... my father never gave me what I wanted for my birthday... boo hoo, my daddy's the Dark Lord of the Sith...waahhh wahhh!"

Luke: Shut up...
Darth Vader: You're a slacker! By the time I was your age, I had exterminated the Jedi knights!

Luke: I used to race my T-16 through Beggar's Canyon.

Darth Vader: Oh, for the love of the Emperor... 10 years old, winner of the Boonta Eve Open... Only human to ever fly a Pod Racer... right here, baby!

{Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step towards it.}

Darth Vader: I was wrong... You're not my kid... I don't know whose you are, but you sure ain't mine...

{Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft.}

{Darth Vader looks after him.}

Darth Vader: Get a haircut!

"If California can't solve the energy crisis, it will spread to the rest of the nation, and the economy will collapse, and we will become a primitive society where we all run around naked with spears and refuse to attend meetings. Wouldn't that be GREAT?" --Dave Barry

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"My mom is very possessive. She calls me up and says things like, 'You weren't home last night. Is something gong on?' I say, 'Yeah Mom, I'm cheating on you with another mother.'" --Heidi Joyce

Living Large We were four frugal young teachers. But a couple times a year we treated ourselves to the best Manhattan had to offer. As we approached the famous restaurant Lutece, we questioned whether we were dressed perfectly. Could we pass as urban sophisticates? The maitre d' met us at the door, all smiles and bows. When he took my raincoat, I began to look over the cozy little bar and anticipate the charming basket of pastry that was our appetizer. Then the maitre d' returned to our group, gingerly holding a fabric softener sheet that had fallen from my coat sleeve. "Madam," he said, "Your Bounce." Print | Comment | Tweet It | Facebook It

Quick Quotes "I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from. I saw something in a program in Miami, and they were saying, "We've redecorated this building to how it looked over 50 years ago!" And people were going, "No, surely not. No one was alive then!" --Eddie Izzard

Ανέκδοτα,15/04/2012

A Gift from the Sheriff

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith. He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep!"

"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

A Fresh Appeal Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client's case on the basis of newly discovered evidence." Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?" Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left." Print | Comment | Tweet It | Facebook It

Blind Man in a Store A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around." Print | Comment | Tweet It | Facebook It

Theory of M&M Evolution Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels. Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger,I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round. I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world. Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment. When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to: M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc. Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes

Ανέκδοτα, 9/4/2012

Bubba and Bobby Joe

Bubba and Bobby Joe rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day they caught 30 fish. Bubba said to Bobby Joe,

"Mark this here spot so that we can come back right here again tomorrow."

The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, the Bubba asked Bobby Joe, "Bobby Joe, did you mark that there spot like ah tole ya?"

His friend replied, "Shore nuff, I put a big ole 'X' on the bottom of the boat."

"You stupid fool! Now, what we gonna do if we don't get that same boat today?!"

Idiots are Among Us

DEER CROSSING

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore. This one was from Kingman, KS.

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IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. And he was a Kansas City chef!

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IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask." This happened in Brimingham, Ala.


IDIOT SIGHTING:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS

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IDIOT SIGHTING:

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, this is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.

---

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office no less.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know -- I already got that side."

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi

Counseling

A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender's face. Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is, to have a compulsion like this."

Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem. "I happen to have the name of a Psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My Brother and my Wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they get."

The man wrote down the name of the Doctor, thanked the bar- tender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being.

Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine.

"I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the Psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face.

The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The Doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good." He sputtered.

"On the contrary," the man claimed, "he's done me world of good."

"But you threw the wine in my face again!" The bartender exclaimed.

"Yes." The man replied. "But it doesn't embarrass me any- more!" Print | Comment | Tweet It | Facebook It

Cat Person Profile Quiz Is your devotion to your cat and "cat things" in the training stage, at a moderate level, or extreme? Or are you an all out shameless "cat-a- holic?" Let's just see how you rate as a "cat person," shall we? See how many of these can you give an HONEST "yes" answer to: --Can you meow so well that you can fake out your cats? --Have you ever called your husband/wife by the cat's name by mistake? --Do you think of your cats as the "furry kids?" --Did you ever decide to buy a house or rent an apartment based solely on the potential spot for the litterbox? --Do you think cat hair in your food is a good source of protein? --Last Christmas/Hanukkah, did you spend more money on cat toys than you did on gifts for the kids or grandkids? --Are you at a loss as to how to talk to people who don't own any cats? --Does your wallet contain more photos of your cats than your kids or grandkids? --Have you often slept on the very edge of the bed so that you won't disturb the cat who's sleeping in the very middle? --Do you leave messages for the kitty on the answering machine? --Have you ever invited a guest to sit down by patting the seat and making that noise with your pursed lips? --Does your answering machine have the cat meowing on the outgoing message? --When you go to the bathroom do you think of it as "using the litterbox"? --Have you made a habit of setting a place at the table for the kitty? --Do you know your cat's birthday (or if not, have made a good guess) and have a birthday party to celebrate? --When your husband/wife gives you the ultimatum, "OK, it's me or the cat," you don't hesitate for even one second. --Do your neighbors talk about you as "the nut with all the cats?" How many did you answer "yes" to? I think just answering one with a "yes" is enough to qualify you as a "Cat Person." But the number of yes answers determines the degree. Your "Cat-ability" Score" --1 to 4 yes answers: In training - you could do better, but it's OK, you're learning. --5 to 8 yes answers: Moderate - working on it, improving nicely. Potential is there. --9 to 13 yes answers: Extreme - just about there, almost mastered the art. Keep stretching yourself. --14 to 17 yes answers: Totally possessed, hopelessly devoted, cat-a-holic. Congratulations! (But you'll find no 12 step program here!)

ΓΕΡΜΑΝΙΚΗ ΠΟΛΙΤΙΚΗ ΚΑΙ ΠΑΓΚΟΣΜΙΟΙ ΠΟΛΕΜΟΙ

Προς Μανια Μ΄ολο το σεβσμο αλλα η συμπεριφορα των Γερμανων και στους ΔΥΟ Παγκοσμιους Πολεμους μονο αρχαιο πνευμα αθανατο δεν δειχνει καιμια που ο Δευτερος Παγκοσμιος Πολεμος ειναι γνωστος (ας μην αναφερθουμε στα Eisangruren και ασχολουμαστε ,με το zagloSS von Lustmord παλι) ας αναφερθουμε στον Πρωτο Μηπως γνωριζετε τι εγινε στο Βελγιο το 1914 (ο επονομαζομενος βιασμος του Βελγιου )η στην Σερβια την ιδια χρονια? Αν θελετε μπορουμε να παμε και πιο πισω "Οπως το ονομα του Ουνου προκαλει φοβο στους Ευρωπαιους για χιλαι χρονια ετσι και εσεις θα πρεπει να κανετε τους Κινεζους να τρεμουν το ονομα του Γερμανου και να χρειαστουν χιλια χρονια πριν τολμησουν να τον κοιταξουν στα ματια" Λογος του Κιαζερ Γουλιελμου του Β! στο Γερμανικο Εκστρατευικο Σωμα . μερος της Διεθνους Δυναμεως εναντιον των Κινεζων Επαναστατων "Μποξερς" ("Πυγμαχους της Θεικης Γσληνης και Ανανεωσης") 1901 (Εξαιτιας αυτου τουθ λογου ο οποιος μετασχημαστηκε σε τακτικο δογμα του Γερμανικου Στρατου τους κολλησε το παρατσουκλι "Ουνοι"

Ανέκδοτα, 7/4/2012

Perplexing Riddle

"It's time to see how clearly you can think," the teacher said to his class. "Now, listen carefully, and think about what I'm saying. I'm thinking of a person who has the same mother and father as I have. But this person is not my brother and not my sister. Who is it?"

The kids in the class furrowed their brows, scratched their heads, and otherwise showed how hard they were thinking. But no one came up with the right answer.

When everyone in the class had given up, the teacher announced, "The person is me."

Little Jeffrey beamed at learning the answer. "That's a good one," he said to himself. "I'll have to try that on Mom and Dad."

At dinner that night, little Jeffrey repeated the riddle to his parents. "I'm thinking of a person who has the same mother and father as I have," he said. "But this person isn't my brother and isn't my sister. Who is it?"

His parents furrowed their brows, scratched their heads, and otherwise pretended that they were thinking hard. Then they both said, "I give up. Who is it?"

"It's my teacher!" Jeffrey said

Scrabble It

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE ZS

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE Print | Comment | Tweet It | Facebook It

Letters Of Recommendations For Employees For the chronically absent: "A man like him is hard to find." "It seemed his career was just taking off." For the office drunk: "I feel his real talent is wasted here." "We generally found him loaded with work to do." For an employee with no ambition: "He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in." "You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you." "He consistently achieves the standards he sets for himself." For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled: "I can assure you that no person would be better for the job." For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate: "I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment." "All in all Stay! I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air. She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me?" "Stay! Stay!" The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blond young lady, gave me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in park?" , I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly."

Χωρίς λόγια...

Σάββατο, 7 Απριλίου 2012

Χωρίς λόγια...

Show and Tell -Managers' Quotes -Ανέκδοτα, 5/4/2012

Show and Tell

Stopping to pick up my daughter at kindergarten, I found out that the topic of "Show and Tell" that day had been parents' occupations.

The teacher pulled me aside. Whispering, she advised, "You might want to explain a little bit more to your daughter what you do for a living."

I work as a training consultant and often conduct my seminars in motel conference rooms.

When I asked why, the teacher explained, "Your daughter told the class she wasn't sure what you did, but said you got dressed real pretty and went to work at motels."

Managers' Quotes

Recently, a magazine ran a contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life managers. Here are some of the submissions:

- As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)

- What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)

- E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

- This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service

More Managers' Quotes

- Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

- Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

- We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

- One day my Boss asked for a status report concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

Choking

When the wealthy businessman choked on a fish bone at a restaurant, he was fortunate that a doctor was seated at a nearby table.

Springing up, the doctor skillfully removed the bone and saved his life.

As soon as the fellow had calmed himself and could talk again, he thanked the surgeon enthusiastically and offered to pay him for his services.

"Just name the fee," he croaked gratefully.

"Okay," replied the doctor. "How about half of what you'd have offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat?"

Ανέκδοτα, 6/4/2012-Real Signs and Advertisements

Anxious to 'include' as many minorities, religions and disabilities as possible, the human resources department of the University of Alberta has put up a Braille poster outside its main office. The poster has been placed inside a display case with a glass front.

[This is brought to you by the same geniuses who put braille instructions on the drive up window at the bank.]

Real Signs and Advertisements

- Signs In a clothing store:
"Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."

- In the window of an Oregon general store:
"Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"

- In a Pennsylvania cemetary:
"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."

- On a Tennessee highway:
"Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable."

- From the safety information card in America WestAirline seat pocket:
"If you are sitting in an exit row and can not read this card, please tell a crew member."

- On a Maine shop:
"Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."

- On a delicatessen wall:
"Our best is none too good

Computa-holic 12-Step Program

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon.

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.

7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.

8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Web will always be there tomorrow! Print | Comment | Tweet It | Facebook It

Quick Funnies What is Cheddar Gorge? A large cheese sandwich! What happens when you throw a green stone in the red sea? It gets wet! Why did the woman take a loaf of bread to bed with her? To feed her nightmare! What city cheats at exams? Peking! What makes the leaning Tower of Pisa lean? It doesn't eat much! Why is Alabama the smartest state in the USA? Because it has 4 A's and one B! Who invented fire? Some bright spark!

Lone Ranger -The Snake Model -Running Errands -Ανέκδοτα,7/4/2012

Lone Ranger

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.

Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto is silent for a moment, then he says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber than buffalo dung. Someone has stolen tent."

For forty years we have studied bird calls . There are so many different species , and to make it more difficult they have territorial accents just like people do.

The really amazing thing is, we have translated all of their calls. And the message is always the same. No matter the breed or the location, the message is always the same:

"Yah! Yah! Yah! Cats can't fly!"

The Snake Model

Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO):

1. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.

2. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.

3. Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.

4. Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.

5. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.

6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.

7. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.

8. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops. 9. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes.

10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.

11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.

12. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.

13. Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.

14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life.

15. Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)

16. Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, and delivers two weeks after due date.

17. F-15 pilot: Mis-identifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.

18. F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but get direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of snake due to weather (Too Hot also Too Cold, Was Clear but too overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Claims that purchasing multi-million dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs.

19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on infra-red. Infrared only operable in desert AO's without power lines or SAM's.

20. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.

21. B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.

22. Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.

23. Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.

24. Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.

Running Errands

Freddie was eighteen years old, friendly, and eager to do things right. Unfortunately, he wasn't especially bright. He had just started his first job, as a delivery boy and general "go-fer" at a furniture warehouse. His first task was to go out for coffee.

He walked into a nearby coffee shop carrying a large thermos. When the counterman finally noticed him, he held up the thermos.

"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" he said. The counterman looked at the thermos, hesitated for a few seconds, then finally said, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."

"Good," Freddie said. "Give me two regular, two black, and two decaf

Αντί στεφάνου…

Αντί στεφάνου…

Αναρτήθηκε από τον/την olympiada στο Απριλίου 5, 2012

Γράφει ο Σπάρτακος 

Λέγουν πως οι ψυχές γιά μέρες σεργιανάνε,

στον  τόπο που απ’το σώμα αποσπάστηκαν.

Λέγουν πως η φυγή,  δειλία κι ανημπόρια, είναι.

Λέγουν πως αμαρτία είναι,η απεμπόληση της Θείας Δωρεάς.

Λέγουν,λέγουν,λέγουν…………

Εκειό που δεν μας λέγουν κι  εκειό που δεν μας  φανερώνουν,

είν’ της ψυχής , ο αδικαίωτος αγώνας.

Είν’ της ψυχής , η σκοτεινή η άβυσσος και της απελπισιάς, ο ζόφος.

Λίγο μολύβι, λίγο μολύβι πυρωμένο, λίγο σκληρό μολύβι…….

Και μιά’ποφασισμένη κίνηση. Η ψαλλιδιά. Η μοίρα η Ατροπος.Η αυλαία. 

Και το  αδικοχυμένο αίμα, καυτό ακόμη ,ζωντανόν εισέτι  και νωπόν,

πάγωσε στις φλέβες μας, το δικό μας το αίμα,

το αίμα το δειλόν και το άβουλον.

Νωπόν,ζωντανόν κι επίμονα καυτό  αυτό το αίμα,

το στίλβον αίμα  μιάς προδομένης Ιερότητος,

το αίμα που έδωσε πνοή στα μάρμαρα, μιάς  Πλατείας παραιτημένης,

μιάς Πλατείας  με   σαπισμένη Ιστορία,

μιάς Πλατείας που αγνοεί,τον επελθόντα θάνατό της.

Το αίμα που θαρρείς πως χύθηκεν απ’την καρδιά  

 και την ψυχή του καθενός μας,

αυτό το αίμα το πικρό και το απεγνωσμένο, ωστόσο δεν συγκίνησε

τους Πραίτωρες και τους Συγκλητικούς.

Αμέριμνοι,ατάραχοι και κρύοι, τόσο κρύοι, που το καυτό μολύβι,

την παγωνιά των στυγερών ψυχών τους, δεν ηδυνήθη να την λιώσει.

Αντίθετα μάλιστα…..Οι γελοίοι,οι μικροί κι ασπόνδυλοι,

οι γλοιώδες πρωτοζωικές βλέννες, τον σαρκασμό επέλεξαν σαν σχόλιο.

Δεν ξέρω φίλε μου, αν τώρα  αφουγκράζεσαι το θρήνο μας.

Δεν ξέρω φίλε μου, άν είσαι Ηρωας, ή  Μάρτυρας  άν είσαι.

Δεν ξέρω φίλε μου,  άν ήσουν Δειλός κι Απελπισμένος.

Κανείς μας,να σε δικάσει δεν μπορεί.  Δεν επιτρέπεται.

Θα ήτο   χυδαίον  και απρεπές. Και οπωσδήποτε, όχι γενναίον.

Εκείνο που μόνον ξέρω,είναι πως θα σε κρίνει ο ΘΕΟΣ.

Με την Μεγαλωσύνη Του,με την Μεγαθυμία Του, με την Συγχώρεσή Του.

Από μας τους ελάχιστους και  τους δειλούς, λίγα Αμάραντα

και  λίγα  χυμένα δάκρυα, στη γή  που σε σκεπάζει.

Απ’την  ψυχή μας που αλγεί .

Απ’την  καρδά μας που σπαράζει.

Σέβας, ΣΠΑΡΤΑΚΟΣ.

ΥΓ: Ο Σπάρτακος δεν σχολιάζει τα σχόλια,που αφορούν σε κείμενά του.

Σήμερα, έχει έναν λόγο παραπάνω, να μην το πράξει.

Signs You've had too much of the 21st Centur-Ανέκδοιτα 4/4/2012

Signs You've had too much of the 21st Century, Part I

1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 4.

4. You e-mail your colleague at the desk next to you to ask if they're ready to go to lunch.

5. You chat on-line regularly with a stranger from the U.S., but you haven't spoken to your next-door-neighbor yet this year.

6. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have an e-mail address.

7. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

Signs You've had too much of the 21st Century, Part II

8. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail rather than in person.

9. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

10. When you make phone calls from home you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.

11. You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."

12. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"

13. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

14. You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your e-mail buddies via a web page.

Signs You've had too much of the 21st Century, Part III

15. Your daughter just bought a CD of all the records your College roommate used to play.

16. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.

17. You checked your blow-dryer to see if it was Y2K compliant.

18. Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.

19. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

20. Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen.

Signs You've had too much of the 21st Century, Part IV

21. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.

22. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.

23. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

24. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.

25. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.

26. You're reading this.

27. Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else.

Ανέκδοτα, 3/4/2012

Amazing Longevity

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'"

"Twenty-six!" he said

Damp Towel One day a child at my four-year-old's preschool class told her classmates that she needed a 'damp towel.' Some of the other kids thought she said a naughty word and told on her. The teacher stepped in to explain, "If your mommy asked you to bring her a damp towel, what does she want?" A little girl blurted out, "She means she wants that towel right now!" Print | Comment | Tweet It | Facebook It

The Big Question Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $64,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the Emcee that he desired a question on American History. The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the best guest this show had ever seen. The Emcee stepped up to the mike. "Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $64,000 dollars richer. Are you ready?" Bob nodded with a cocky confidence - the crowd went nuts. He hadn't missed a question all week. "Bob, your question on American History is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?"

Bob was now becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn't believe it, but he was drawing a blank. American History was his easiest subject, but he played it safe. "I'll try the second part first." The Emcee nodded approvingly. "Here we go Bob. I will ask you the second half first, then the first half." The audience silenced with gross anticipation... "Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen??" Print | Comment | Tweet It | Facebook It

Sunday School A Sunday school teacher: was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy: (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

What Men Call their Women --Ανεκδοτα 2/4/2012

What Men Call their Women pt 1

What's in a name? Apparently, a lot more than you (or I) ever thought there was. Here's what his pet name for you really means.....

Darling -- Depends on how he says it. If he stresses the first syllable, then he's probably done something wrong or wants money.

Dear -- Probably a leftover from his parents. Expect him to wear woolly cardigans, smoke a pipe and prefer a mug of Ovaltine to lager.

Sweetheart -- If it's said patronizingly, it's not so sweet. But when uttered in earnest, it may send your own sweet heart aflutter.

Babe -- Not to be confused with the film of the same name. Check for flares or signs that he's a 70s throwback. He's a bit of a medallion man. Chances are he's got his initials on his chunky ring. Leave immediately if he tries to sell you a second-hand car.

Baby doll -- This type of man will probably require you to wear transparent frilly nighties even in the dead of winter. He doesn't want you to grow up, and obviously can't deal with real women.

Princess -- Never trust a man who calls you princess. You may think you're being treated like royalty, but beware of Prince Charmings - they may be secretly plotting your over- throw.

Print | Comment | Tweet It | Facebook It

What Men Call their Women pt 2

Sexy -- Fine if you're sexy. If you're not, who cares? He probably thinks you are anyway!!

My girlfriend -- He's honest, open and probably glad to have you around. The next thing you know he'll be using your name!

The wife -- If you're married then he probably thinks he owns you. If you're not, he probably thinks you act like his wife, in which case, he thinks he owns you.

My other half -- You complete the set - he's only half a man without you. But it may make you feel as though you are losing your identity somewhere.

The missus -- See The Wife.

My partner -- He's right on. Probably likes eating tofu and hugging trees.

My significant other -- He's even more right on. Probably thinks it's cruel to eat tofu and that trees need their own space.

She  who must be obeyed -- He thinks you're a nag, but probably doesn't lift a finger around the house

Working Man Blues 1 My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so ...they gave me the ax. After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because ...it was a so-so job. Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that ...was exhausting. I wanted to be a barber, but ...I just couldn't cut it. Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just ...didn't have the thyme. I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I...couldn't cut the mustard. My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found ...I wasn't noteworthy. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I...didn't have any patients. Print | Comment | Tweet It | Facebook It

Working Man Blues 2 Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I ...just didn't fit in. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I ...couldn't live on my net income. Thought about becoming a witch, so I ...tried that for a spell. I managed to get a good job working for a pool-maintenance company, but the work was ...jjust too draining. I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes, but I was fired because I ...wasn't up to it. So then I got a job in a fitness-center, but they said I ...wasn't fit for the job. Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking and I ...was discharged. After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was ...no future in it. My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it ...was always the same old grind.

Elephant Robbery

Elephant Robbery A jeweller called the police station to report a robbery. "You'll never believe what happened, Sergeant. A truck backed up to my store, the doors opened and an elephant came out. He broke my plate glass window, stuck his trunk in, sucked up all the jewelry and climbed back into the truck. The doors closed and the truck pulled away." The desk sergeant said, "Could you tell me, for identification purposes, whether it was an Indian elephant or an African elephant?" "What's the difference?" asked the jeweller. "Well," said the sergeant, an African elephant has great big ears and an Indian elephant has little ears." "Come to think of it, I couldn't see his ears," said the jeweller. "He had a stocking over his head." Print | Comment | Tweet It | Facebook It

Sponsor Attention Business Owners! Grow your business and get more customers Find top ranked SEO companies and get your site to the top of Google. Compare plans and pricing from the top SEO companies.

High School Reunion My wife and I were at my high school reunion. As I looked around, I noticed the other men in their expensive suits...and their bulging stomachs. Proud of the fact that I weighed just five pounds more than I did when I was in high school, the result of trying to beat a living out of a rocky hillside farm, I said to my wife, "I'm the only guy here who can still wear the suit he wore when he graduated." She glanced at the well-dressed crowd, then back at me, and said, "You're the only one who has to." Print | Comment | Tweet It | Facebook It

How To Please Your I.T. Department (A quick check list for those who need to make contact.] 1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours. 2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here. 3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords. 4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all. 5. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing. 6. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve. 7. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery. 8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it. 9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here. 10. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support. We're collectors. 11. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle. 12. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument. 13. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us. 14. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes. 15. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work. Print | Comment | Tweet It | Facebook It

A guy walks into a post office ... A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, “I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?’” “But why?” asks the man. “I'm a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.

Η ΙΣΤΟΡΙΑ ΤΟΥ ΓΑΪΔΑΡΟΥ…

Κυριακή, 1 Απριλίου 2012

Κυριακή, 1 Απριλίου 2012

Η ΙΣΤΟΡΙΑ ΤΟΥ ΓΑΪΔΑΡΟΥ…

Μια μέρα o γάιδαρος ενός αγρότη έπεσε σε ένα πηγάδι. Το ζώο φώναζε απελπισμένα για ώρες κι ο αγρότης προσπαθούσε να καταλάβει τι έπρεπε να κάνει. Τέλος, αποφάσισε ότι το ζώο…ήταν γέρικο, και τα έξοδα που απαιτούνταν για να το βγάλει από το πηγάδι ήταν πολλά.Δεν άξιζε τον κόπο να προσπαθήσει να σώσει τον γάιδαρο. Το μόνο που σκέφτηκε να κάνει ήταν να το θάψει ζωντανό. Κάλεσε όλους τους γείτονές του να έρθουν και να τον βοηθήσουν. Πήραν όλοι από ένα φτυάρι και άρχισαν να πετάνε χώματα στο πηγάδι. Στην αρχή, ο γάιδαρος συνειδητοποίησε τι συνέβαινε και φώναξε φρικτά. Μετά όμως, προς έκπληξη όλων, ησύχασε. Λίγα φορτία χώμα αργότερα, ο γεωργός κοίταξε κάτω το πηγάδι κι έμεινε έκπληκτος με αυτό που είδε. Ήταν κάτι καταπληκτικό! Με κάθε φτυαριά χώμα που έπεφτε στην πλάτη του, ο γάιδαρος τιναζόταν και έκανε ένα βήμα προς τα πάνω. Οι γείτονες του αγρότη συνέχισαν να πετάνε φτυαριές χώμα πάνω στο ζώο, κι αυτό κάθε φορά τιναζόταν κι έκανε ένα βήμα προς τα πάνω. Πολύ σύντομα, όλοι ήταν έκπληκτοι με το γαϊδούρι να έχει φτάσει στην επιφάνεια του πηγαδιού.
Ηθικό δίδαγμα: Η ζωή μπορεί να φέρει σε σας πολλές φτυαριές από σκουπίδια μέσα στο πηγάδι της ζωής σας. Να θυμάστε όμως πως κάθε ένα από τα προβλήματά σας αυτά είναι ένα εφαλτήριο. Μπορούμε να βγούμε από τα βαθύτερα πηγάδια απλά με ένα τίναγμα. Πατάμε πάνω στο πρόβλημα (στα σκουπίδια και σε αυτούς που τα πετάνε με σκοπό να θάψουν οτι η λογική τους δεν αντέχει κα ιη ζωή τους δεν φτάνει)  και κάνουμε ένα βήμα πάνω.http://www.sarkastis.gr/?p=2410\

Μια μέρα o γάιδαρος ενός αγρότη έπεσε σε ένα πηγάδι. Το ζώο φώναζε απελπισμένα για ώρες κι ο αγρότης προσπαθούσε να καταλάβει τι έπρεπε να κάνει. Τέλος, αποφάσισε ότι το ζώο…ήταν γέρικο, και τα έξοδα που απαιτούνταν για να το βγάλει από το πηγάδι ήταν πολλά.Δεν άξιζε τον κόπο να προσπαθήσει να σώσει τον γάιδαρο. Το μόνο που σκέφτηκε να κάνει ήταν να το θάψει ζωντανό. Κάλεσε όλους τους γείτονές του να έρθουν και να τον βοηθήσουν. Πήραν όλοι από ένα φτυάρι και άρχισαν να πετάνε χώματα στο πηγάδι. Στην αρχή, ο γάιδαρος συνειδητοποίησε τι συνέβαινε και φώναξε φρικτά. Μετά όμως, προς έκπληξη όλων, ησύχασε. Λίγα φορτία χώμα αργότερα, ο γεωργός κοίταξε κάτω το πηγάδι κι έμεινε έκπληκτος με αυτό που είδε. Ήταν κάτι καταπληκτικό! Με κάθε φτυαριά χώμα που έπεφτε στην πλάτη του, ο γάιδαρος τιναζόταν και έκανε ένα βήμα προς τα πάνω. Οι γείτονες του αγρότη συνέχισαν να πετάνε φτυαριές χώμα πάνω στο ζώο, κι αυτό κάθε φορά τιναζόταν κι έκανε ένα βήμα προς τα πάνω. Πολύ σύντομα, όλοι ήταν έκπληκτοι με το γαϊδούρι να έχει φτάσει στην επιφάνεια του πηγαδιού.
Ηθικό δίδαγμα: Η ζωή μπορεί να φέρει σε σας πολλές φτυαριές από σκουπίδια μέσα στο πηγάδι της ζωής σας. Να θυμάστε όμως πως κάθε ένα από τα προβλήματά σας αυτά είναι ένα εφαλτήριο. Μπορούμε να βγούμε από τα βαθύτερα πηγάδια απλά με ένα τίναγμα. Πατάμε πάνω στο πρόβλημα (στα σκουπίδια και σε αυτούς που τα πετάνε με σκοπό να θάψουν οτι η λογική τους δεν αντέχει κα ιη ζωή τους δεν φτάνει)  και κάνουμε ένα βήμα πάνω.http://www.sarkastis.gr/?p=2410\