ΑΝΕΚΔΟΤΑ 28/1/2013

Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by:

Weird Food KILLS Blood Pressure... Thousands of citizens concerned with high blood pressure and heart disease have already discovered this strange food that is being touted as a "Marine Miracle" by America's top doctors. Help your body cure itself from the "silent killer" known as hypertension and heart disease. Click Here Now to watch this free video that could save your life! [video]

The Hokey Pokey - Shakespearean Style Original Lyrics Put your left foot in, Your left foot out, Your left foot in, And shake it all about. You do the hokey pokey And turn yourself around That's what it's all about. Shakespearean Style O proud left foot, that ventures quick within Then soon upon a backward journey lithe. Anon, once more the gesture, then begin: Command sinistral pedestal to writhe. Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke. A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl. To spin! A wilde release from heaven's yoke. Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl. The Hoke, the poke -- banish now thy doubt. Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about. Print | Comment | Tweet It | Facebook It

Sponsor Enter to Win a New Kia Sorento(R) Plus a $10,000 Gas Card! Just take a short survey, and you'll be automatically entered to win. It's your chance to win this SUV with a 5-star safety rating. Plus, the winner gets a bonus $10,000 gas card! Click to get started!

Actual Answers From Students On Music Exams - The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called pre-Madonna. - Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines. - Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony. - All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know exactly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants. - Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven's Erotica, Tchaikovsky Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin's Rap City in Blue. - Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco. - A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals. - Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing. - Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys. - A harp is a nude piano. - Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you'd better not try to sing. - I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say. - My favorite composer was Opus. Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music. - Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. - Rock Monanoff was a famous post-romantic composer of piano concerti. Print | Comment | Tweet It | Facebook It

Dinosaur Bones Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the blonde guard, 'Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?' The guard replies, 'They are 3 million, four years, and six months old.' 'That's an awfully exact number,' says the tourist. 'How do you know their age so precisely?' The guard answers, 'Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago!' Print | Comment | Tweet It | Facebook It

Chow Time One of my husband's duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them, "There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!" Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked, "What is the first rule?" Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!" Print | Comment | Tweet It | Facebook It

Comics for Pet Lovers Pete Tamburro Dog and cat owners will get a giggle out of Dog Eat Doug, Red and Rover, and more from ArcaMax Comics. ArcaMax has more than 70 comics to read free by e-mail every morning. Subscribe to one or more of your favorites and start reading! Subscribe to Dog Eat Doug instantly. Subscribe to Red and Rover instantly. -- From the ArcaMax editors

Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by:

Weird Food KILLS Blood Pressure... Thousands of citizens concerned with high blood pressure and heart disease have already discovered this strange food that is being touted as a "Marine Miracle" by America's top doctors. Help your body cure itself from the "silent killer" known as hypertension and heart disease. Click Here Now to watch this free video that could save your life! [video]

Editor's Note: You receive Late Night Jokes because you are subscribed to the Jokes ezine. This PM edition is sent Monday through Friday. Click here to stop receiving the evening edition.

Late Night Funny #1 There's a photo from the Inauguration in which Former President Bill Clinton appears to be checking out Kelly Clarkson. Clinton said, 'That's not true, I was checking out Beyonce and Kelly Clarkson got in the way.' Conan O'Brien Print | Comment | Tweet It | Facebook It

Sponsor Enter to Win a New Kia Sorento(R) Plus a $10,000 Gas Card! Just take a short survey, and you'll be automatically entered to win. It's your chance to win this SUV with a 5-star safety rating. Plus, the winner gets a bonus $10,000 gas card! Click to get started!

Late Night Funny #2 Beyonce is remaining silent about charges that she lip-synched the national anthem. However, the charges are being strongly denied by a recording of Beyonce. Conan O'Brien Print | Comment | Tweet It | Facebook It

Late Night Funny #3 Yes, lip-gate. Beyonce-gate. The crisis in Lip-ya. Beyonc-gazi ... If Beyonce lip-synced at Obama's inaugural, do you know what that means? If so, please write in because I'd love to know why I'm so angry! Stephen Colbert Print | Comment | Tweet It | Facebook It

Late Night Funny #4 Joe Biden made another one of his famous gaffes on camera Monday, saying he was proud to be president of the United States. I guess he forgot he wasn't at home standing in front of the bathroom mirror. Jay Leno Print | Comment | Tweet It | Facebook It

Comics for Pet Lovers Dog and cat owners will get a giggle out of Dog Eat Doug, Red and Rover, and more from ArcaMax Comics. ArcaMax has more than 70 comics to read free by e-mail every morning. Subscribe to one or more of your favorites and start reading! Subscribe to Dog Eat Doug instantly. Subscribe to Red and Rover instantly. -- From the ArcaMax editors

ΑΝΕΚΔΟΤΑ 26/1/2013

Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by:

New Video Reveals... The Case Against Detoxing You've probably heard that detoxing is good for your health. You've heard it can remove pesticides, heavy metals and chemicals from your body. You've heard it can bolster your immune system. But here's something you should know: detoxing can actually make your body more toxic. New video shows what to do instead to rid your body of pesticides, heavy metals and dangerous chemicals. Watch the Video Now!

Success in Marriage A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids." Print | Comment | Tweet It | Facebook It

Sponsor Are you looking to earn an extra $5 in 5 minutes each day by doing simple things such as taking short surveys and reading email? Join 5in5 now today for Free and you can do just that! Earn $5 per day for doing things you already do! Plus, receive a $20 Opportunity when you join today! Make sure to complete the registration so that you receive your daily offer to earn $5 in 5 minutes! Click Here...

Six Cups of Coffee Freddie was eighteen years old, friendly, and eager to do things right. Unfortunately, he wasn't especially bright. He had just started his first job, as a delivery boy and general go-fer at a furniture warehouse. His first task was to go out for coffee. He walked into a nearby coffee shop carrying a large thermos. When the counterman finally noticed him, he held up the thermos. "Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" he said. The counterman looked at the thermos, hesitated for a few seconds, then finally said, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me." "Good," Freddie said. "Give me two regular, two black, and two decaf." Print | Comment | Tweet It | Facebook It

Double-Decker Bus A blonde, a redhead and a brunette sign up with a tourist group for a chartered-double-decker bus trip to London. There are only 2 seats left on the bottom of the bus, and only 1 seat on the top of the bus available when they board. The young ladies decide to take turns riding on the top, and flip a coin to see who gets the first turn. The blonde wins the toss. A couple of hours later, it's the redhead's turn. She takes the steps to the top and sees the blonde, sitting there scared half to death. She's clutching the seat in front of her so hard that her knuckles are white. "What's goin' on?" the redhead asks. "We're havin' a grand old time down below, singing and laughing." The blonde replies, "Yeah, but you've got a driver." Print | Comment | Tweet It | Facebook It

Comfortable Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After buying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable". The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, "comfortable?'" The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it slow. - - - - ("com-for-da-bul" ) Print | Comment | Tweet It | Facebook It

Comics for Pet Lovers Pete Tamburro Dog and cat owners will get a giggle out of Dog Eat Doug, Red and Rover, and more from ArcaMax Comics. ArcaMax has more than 70 comics to read free by e-mail every morning. Subscribe to one or more of your favorites and start reading! Subscribe to Dog Eat Doug instantly. Subscribe to Red and Rover instantly. -- From the ArcaMax editors

ΑΝΕΚΔΟΤΑ 27/1/2013

Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by:

Are you ready to lose the holiday weight? Tired of your favorite jeans being a little too snug? BioHealth Garcinia Cambogia might be the answer! Try the latest breakthrough in fat burning supplements here! Click here for money saving discounts on BioHealth Garcinia Cambogia today!

New Checking Account The teenage son was having trouble mastering the fine points of balancing his new checking account. "The bank returned the check you wrote to the sporting goods store," his mother said. "Oh good," he replied, "Now I can use it to buy some stereo equipment!" Print | Comment | Tweet It | Facebook It

Sponsor Samsung! It's the phone that makes life easy... Congratulations! You've been selected to participate in Hot Gifts Now's - Galaxy Phone promotion... >> Get a Samsung Galaxy™ S III FREE, details apply. It listens & responds to words, changes from text to talk instantly and features a dazzling 4.8" screen, custom apps and the fastest-yet 4G speeds. To get yours, click & follow this link.

55 Policeman: "When I saw you coming around the corner, I said to myself, `fifty-five at least.'" Woman driver: "Well, you are a long way off! It's this hat that makes me look so old!" Print | Comment | Tweet It | Facebook It

Mother's Wedding Dress A couple was getting married, and it was only three days before the wedding. The bride calls her mother with some bad news. "Mom," she says, "I just found out that my fiance's mother has bought the exact same dress as you to wear to the wedding." The bride's mother thinks for a minute. "Don't worry," she tells her daughter. "I'll just go and buy another dress to wear to the ceremony." "But mother," says the bride, "that dress cost a fortune. What will you do with it? It's such a waste not to use it." "Who said I won't use it?" her mother asked. "I'll just wear it to the rehearsal dinner." Print | Comment | Tweet It | Facebook It

The Frog A frog walks into a bank and asks the teller, "Who do I talk to about getting a loan?" The teller shows him to the office of the loans manager, Ms. Patricia Black. "I would like a loan for $20.00 to buy a new lily pad," the frog tells her. "Do you have any collateral?" asks Ms. Black. The frog produces a small statuette of the Eiffel Tower with the inscription "Souvenir of Paris" engraved on the base. Unsure whether or not the object is worth the amount of the loan, she summons the bank manager. The manager inspects the trinket, nods his head, and says, "It's a knick-knack, Patty Black - give the frog a loan." Print | Comment | Tweet It | Facebook It

Mobile Comics App Enjoy your favorite comics like Zits, Baby Blues, BC, Wizard of Id, Dennis the Menace -- and many more -- from your mobile devices. The Funnies app's newest version includes much easier navigation and several more comics. The App now costs $0.99 (lifetime). For Droid users, go to https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.arcamax.funnies For the IPhone app, go to https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/funnies/id578259615?ls=1 Each app includes more than 75 of the ArcaMax cartoon lineup. With this app, you can mark your Favorites and view them daily without having to browse through the whole list. Enjoy! -- From the ArcaMax editors

ΑΝΕΚΔΟΤΑ 23/1/2013

Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by:

New Video Reveals... The Case Against Detoxing You've probably heard that detoxing is good for your health. You've heard it can remove pesticides, heavy metals and chemicals from your body. You've heard it can bolster your immune system. But here's something you should know: detoxing can actually make your body more toxic. New video shows what to do instead to rid your body of pesticides, heavy metals and dangerous chemicals. Watch the Video Now!

Success in Marriage A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids." Print | Comment | Tweet It | Facebook It

Sponsor Are you looking to earn an extra $5 in 5 minutes each day by doing simple things such as taking short surveys and reading email? Join 5in5 now today for Free and you can do just that! Earn $5 per day for doing things you already do! Plus, receive a $20 Opportunity when you join today! Make sure to complete the registration so that you receive your daily offer to earn $5 in 5 minutes! Click Here...

Six Cups of Coffee Freddie was eighteen years old, friendly, and eager to do things right. Unfortunately, he wasn't especially bright. He had just started his first job, as a delivery boy and general go-fer at a furniture warehouse. His first task was to go out for coffee. He walked into a nearby coffee shop carrying a large thermos. When the counterman finally noticed him, he held up the thermos. "Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" he said. The counterman looked at the thermos, hesitated for a few seconds, then finally said, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me." "Good," Freddie said. "Give me two regular, two black, and two decaf." Print | Comment | Tweet It | Facebook It

Double-Decker Bus A blonde, a redhead and a brunette sign up with a tourist group for a chartered-double-decker bus trip to London. There are only 2 seats left on the bottom of the bus, and only 1 seat on the top of the bus available when they board. The young ladies decide to take turns riding on the top, and flip a coin to see who gets the first turn. The blonde wins the toss. A couple of hours later, it's the redhead's turn. She takes the steps to the top and sees the blonde, sitting there scared half to death. She's clutching the seat in front of her so hard that her knuckles are white. "What's goin' on?" the redhead asks. "We're havin' a grand old time down below, singing and laughing." The blonde replies, "Yeah, but you've got a driver." Print | Comment | Tweet It | Facebook It

Comfortable Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After buying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable". The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, "comfortable?'" The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it slow. - - - - ("com-for-da-bul" ) Print | Comment | Tweet It | Facebook It

Comics for Pet Lovers Pete Tamburro Dog and cat owners will get a giggle out of Dog Eat Doug, Red and Rover, and more from ArcaMax Comics. ArcaMax has more than 70 comics to read free by e-mail every morning. Subscribe to one or more of your favorites and start reading! Subscribe to Dog Eat Doug instantly. Subscribe to Red and Rover instantly. -- From the ArcaMax editors

ΑΝΕΚΔΟΤΑ 20/1/2013

Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by:

Weird Food KILLS Blood Pressure... Thousands of citizens concerned with high blood pressure and heart disease have already discovered this strange food that is being touted as a "Marine Miracle" by America's top doctors. Help your body cure itself from the "silent killer" known as hypertension and heart disease. Click Here Now to watch this free video that could save your life! [video]

What $2 Can Buy His pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many TV, adds, just to make conversation. Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?" "A box of Tampax," he replied without hesitation. "Tampax?" said the doctor. "What would you do with that?" "Well," said Johnny, "I do not know exactly, but it's sure worth two dollars. With tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to." Print | Comment | Tweet It | Facebook It

Sponsor Amora Coffee - Try Our Coffee FREE! * Freshest, most flavorful coffee you ever sipped * Choose from four distinctive blends * Just pay shipping and handling Not available in stores - Order today!

Unscheduled Outage It's thunderstorm season and when the power goes out at one branch office, the uninterruptible power supplies kick in, everything gracefully shuts down, and the technician waits for power to return. And waits. And waits. "Late evening sees the power restored, and we go about bringing the network back to life," says the tech. Next morning, the phone rings. It's a very irate corporate administrator wanting to know why we had an unscheduled outage the day before. The tech calmly explain about the storm, which he had no control over. The Administrator's response? "Next time, put it on the schedule before you have an unexpected outage!" Print | Comment | Tweet It | Facebook It

Political Correctness I think the political correctness is getting ridiculous. Today I overheard a little boy say he was going to go play a game of Cattle Management Specialists and Native Americans. Print | Comment | Tweet It | Facebook It

Did You Ever Wonder? - If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? - Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack? - If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? - If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? - When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? Or do you get change? - Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker? - Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with. - Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person drives a race car not called a racist? - Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? - Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? - Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one? - If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn'tit follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? Print | Comment | Tweet It | Facebook It

Weekday News and Features Digest Get the most popular news of the day, comic strips, and more every weekday in the News and Features Digest. Subscribers can look forward to the best of the ArcaMax line-up -- featured movie reviews, breaking news, recipes, featured interactive games, and more. Subscribe to the News and Features Digest instantly. Sincerely, ArcaMax Editors

ΑΝΕΚΔΟΤΑ 4/2/2013

Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by:

(February 4, 2013) - Do not pay your car insurance bill... until you read this. Out of all 246 auto insurers, we found these important "hidden" discounts. * After reporting on the hidden discounts, 789,000 drivers used this one tip to get extreme insurance discounts. * Recently reported: if you're just with "any" auto insurer,   you may be overpaying by $793 a year. Click here -- to see the insurance discounts you'll get.

Little League Conference Coach Jones called the young lad in from center field during a Little League game for a conference. "See here Larry," said the coach, "you know the principles of good sportsmanship that the Little League practices. You also know we don't tolerate temper tantrums, shouting at the umpire, or abusive language. Do I make myself clear?" "Yes, sir," replied Larry. "Well, then Larry," sighed Coach Jones, "would you please try to explain it to your mother?" Print | Comment | Tweet It | Facebook It

Sponsor If you want your ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend to come crawling back to you on their knees (no matter why you broke up and even if they're dating somebody else now) you need to watch this video right away... This video teaches you the REAL reason you've failed to get your ex back. And how to use tiny little text messages to erase all the "bad times" and "mistakes" and create a whole new relationship with your ex. If you want your ex back, you've got to watch this!

Chin Chin Chin-Chin the panda was on trial for entering a New York City restaurant, eating dinner, pulling out a machine gun, and shooting out the windows and doors. The judge looked at Chin-Chin's lawyer and proclaimed, "Thirty eyewitnesses saw your client pay for dinner, shoot up the place, and leave. Security cameras caught the entire incident on video. I have no choice but to sentence your client ..." "Wait a second, your honor," said the lawyer, "My client may be guilty, but there are extenuating circumstances. He couldn't help his behavior that night, and if you look up the word 'panda' in the dictionary, you'll have no choice but to agree." The judge was puzzled, but he had his secretary bring his dictionary into court. There, under the letter P, he found; "PANDA: Black and white bear from China that eats shoots and leaves." Print | Comment | Tweet It | Facebook It

Knowing Where to Put It There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is." The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: "One chalk mark $1. Knowing where to put it $49,999" Print | Comment | Tweet It | Facebook It

Chemist's Joke Q: Why does hamburger have lower energy than steak? A: Because it's in the ground state.

Science Fiction Jan. 31, 2013

Today's Featured Title War of theTyrants by Charles Hinton ISBN / ASIN: 1469925001 In the year 2010, near the Antarctic, five explorers were in a blizzard, wearing furs and riding dog sleds. The blizzard halted as one of the explorers shouted, "It's an avalanche!" They quickly headed in the opposite direction, but one of them didn't escape and was buried in snow. When the danger was over, the rest returned to rescue him. They dug for hours. "The snow piles are deep," the first explorer said. "By the time we rescue him, he'll be frozen." "Let's dig a little longer," the second explorer said. "If we don't find him, we'll just have to assume that he's dead." As the third explorer dug, his shovel hit an object. "Over here!" he shouted. "I think I found him! No, that's not him! I don't know what this thing is!" The explorers looked at the object and were curious. "Let's dig it out from the snow to get a better view," the fourth explorer said. "What about our friend?" the first explorer asked. "He's probably dead, " the second explorer said. Excited, they dug wildly. They finally lifted the object and were astounded. "Wow, it's huge!" the third explorer shouted. "What is it?" the first explorer asked. "It's a dinosaur egg!" the fourth explorer answered. "There may be more around here.” "An egg like that is worth a fortune," the first explorer said. "It's unbelievable that dinosaurs lived here," the second explorer said. "Maybe millions of years ago this was a warm climate, which changed, and they died from the cold, and their eggs were frozen," the third explorer said. "Let's get a crew to search for more," the fourth explorer said. The crew arrived with digging equipment. Hours into the dig, hundreds of frozen eggs were found and the fifth explorer was found frozen to death. A month later the U.S. government bought the frozen eggs from the explorers for millions of dollars and shipped them to its huge science laboratory in Washington, D.C. A year later, a middle-aged scientist named Mark Water, with long brown hair and beard, wearing blue jeans, a laboratory jacket and generic sneakers, talked to a crowd of reporters and scientists from around the world in a laboratory corridor. "What I'm about to show you is a miracle,” he said. “I and a team of scientists have been able to hatch several of the frozen dinosaur eggs that were found months ago. The dinosaurs are babies, but soon they'll be moved to a larger location. Please follow me." He led the expectant crowd into the laboratory, which was filled with small and large cages, and lab workers attending various equipment and computers, and showed them a cage with five small dinosaurs. Each one was about four feet tall. The crowd was amazed as they looked at the creatures. Mark pointed at the cage. "These dinosaurs are growing rapidly,” he said. “They're flesh-eaters. The one with the sharp, serrated teeth and sickle claws is a Troodon. She can grow to eight feet tall, and she has binocular vision, which gives her an advantage when hunting for prey, and she's agile. The one with the large head and curved claws on the second toe of each foot is a Dromaeosaurus. She has unusually large teeth, and she's fast, agile and can grow to six feet tall. "The two with the grasping hands and muscular hind limbs and birdlike appearance are raptors. They have jaws lined with sharp teeth and are strong. They have large sickle claws and binocular vision. They can bring down prey far larger than themselves and grow up to seven feet tall." From the top of the cage, a man on a ladder threw piles of red meat to the meat eaters, who ran toward it and tore it apart. The crowd was astounded by the appetite they had. "Right now we feed them dead meat," Mark said. "When they're older, we'll feed them live animals." He showed the crowd a large cage. "These two are Tyrannosaurus,” he said. “For short we call them T-rexes or rexes. They're babies and ten feet now and still growing. They grow to forty feet and can weigh to four to eight tons. Because of their size, they'll be moved shortly. They're the tyrants of the reptiles and are strong hunters that are equipped with extraordinarily powerful jaws. Each tooth is about six to seven inches long. They have powerful hind limbs: Their forelimbs are considered their arms and are also very strong." Terrified, a woman screamed, "Dinosaurs are coming this way!" The crowd panicked. "Don't be afraid," Mark said. "They're friendly; those two are plant-eaters and babies. Each is about seven feet tall, and they're constantly growing." The crowd became amazed as the dinosaurs walked to him, as he fed them peanuts. Mark petted one. "This is a Brachiosaurus,” Mark said. “He's the heaviest animal that ever lived on land. When he's grown, he can weigh up to a hundred-ten tons and will grow up to ninety feet. He has an extremely long neck and legs and has peglike teeth. He uses his neck to reach leaves on trees." He petted the other. "This is a Triceratops. He doesn't fear any dinosaurs. He uses his enormous horns for defense. They grow to four feet and are sharp. His head is huge and he can grow up to thirty feet and weighs up to six tons." The two dinosaurs left. Mark showed the crowd the next cage, which was huge and shaped like a bird cage. "In this cage are three pterosaurs. They're flying reptiles and scavengers. They can fly over land and sea. There are three classes, Pterodactyl, Pteranodon and the Quetzalcoatlus, whose wingspan is thirty feet." He finished showing the dinosaurs and pterosaurs to the crowd. "You said the creatures are going to be moved to a large area. Can you tell me where and when?" a reporter asked. "Well, at present a zoo is being constructed in Southern California. It should be ready in a few months and will be open by summer." "Who's financing it and how large is it?" a second reporter asked. "The government. It's being built on hundreds of acres of land." "Why is the government wasting our tax dollars on this project when people need jobs and better housing?" a third reporter asked. "Well, the zoo will bring in enormous revenues and will provide thousands of jobs." "Is it going to be near a city?" a fourth reporter asked. "Yes, Los Angeles." "The flesh-eaters are dangerous, especially the rexes. Aren't you and your people worried that they may escape from their cages and attack humans?" a scientist asked. "It will be impossible for them to break out because their cages will be built of Plexiglas that's three feet thick, and it will be bolted down in concrete. Have you ever seen a roach trapped in a jar? That's how the flesh-eaters will be." "Since they'll be surrounded by Plexiglas, how are you going to feed them?" a second scientist asked. "A large tube will be connected to each cage. The tube will be big enough to slide their food through." "What kind of food?" a third scientist asked. "Live animals." "What kind?" "Ones that reproduce rapidly—rats, deer and other animals that people don't give a damn about." "Do you think you'll have trouble with the animal rights groups?" a fifth reporter asked. "Probably." "What about the non-flesh-eating dinosaurs?" a fourth scientist asked. "Well, they're not dangerous to humans. They'll be surrounded by high gates that will keep them from wandering off. At night the gates will be electrically charged. Also, we'll have a task force during the day to make certain that they'll not come close to the gates. The task force will be armed with tranquilizer guns, and they'll patrol the area constantly." "What's the zoo going to be called and is there going to be anything special added?" a sixth reporter asked. "Yes. A dinosaur museum, food courts, shuttles, rides for kids, gift shops and so forth. We haven't thought of a name yet." The questions ended, and the awestruck crowd was ushered out. A few months later, at the beginning of summer, the dinosaur zoo was built. It was called Dinosaur Land and the director was Mark Water. His office there was on the top floor of a ten story museum building and boasted a great mahogany desk and a few computers. From his office window he had a view of the zoo. One morning, Mark was in his office, shuffling papers, when a man came in. "Good morning, Larry," Mark said. Larry Fisher, the game warden of the zoo, was from England, in his middle thirties, and was dressed in a safari outfit, as was Mark, but with a white derby and a long umbrella. "Is everything in order?" Mark asked. "Jolly good, sir," Larry replied, standing at attention. "Governor Brason should be here shortly to cut the ribbon. He wants to be the first visitor to enter the zoo. There'll be TV cameras and the press will be everywhere on this first day." Mark's phone rang. He answered it and said, "Okay," and hung up. "Let's leave, Larry. The governor is here." Outside, by the gate, was a small podium in the middle of a platform, with a standing microphone. Surrounding the platform up front were Brason's Secret Service agents and a large crowd, gathered to hear his speech. Mark and Larry arrived on the platform, and Brason stepped on to it. They greeted him, and he began his speech: "People of California! We have arrived! This new dinosaur zoo will bring billions of dollars in revenue and thousands of jobs to this state. Standing to my left is Mark Water, a scientist and the director. On my right is the game warden. They made this thing possible by convincing the government to build this zoo in our state. I'll be the first to cut the ribbon and welcome you!" Inside the zoo, several huge Plexiglas cages had flesh-eating dinosaurs in them. Each cage was a mile in diameter circle and sixty feet high. Inside were trees, grass and plants. Outside the cages were stands from which people were able to get a clear view of the dinosaurs' habitat. They could see them eat their prey and play with their babies. Near the cages were speakers that told the name, history and physical characteristics of the dinosaurs. The pterosaurs were kept in Plexiglas cages with several small meat-eaters. The cages were high and wide enough for the pterosaurs to fly. In a large safari park surrounded by miles of fence were the plant-eating dinosaurs. The park had a multitude of trees, plants, and small lakes. Shuttles transported people through it, and the tour guides on them described the dinosaurs. Two armed guards with tranquilizer guns were on each shuttle. Their orders were to shoot any dinosaurs that ran toward their shuttle. Also in the dinosaur zoo were a large amusement park with many mechanical rides resembling the dinosaurs, theaters showing movies about dinosaurs, fast-food restaurants, food concessions, a mall, hotel, convention center, and the museum. Transportation was provided to take customers to these places. By a cage, Brason said to Mark and Larry, "Look how that raptor tears apart the deer. Now he's looking at us." "Just as we're curious about them, they're curious about us," Mark said. "They're powerful animals, cunning, and remarkable hunters." Some came to the glass and stared. One had animal blood dripping from his mouth. Brason was frightened as it growled, making him back jump slightly. Mark and Larry smirked. "Don't worry, Governor, they can't get out," Mark said. "How many are in there?" asked Brason. "A hundred," Mark answered. "We send the live animals through the cage's food-tube. They don't eat all of them right away. They let some habituate and reproduce in there, then hunt and kill them." Continues...