Ανέκδοτα, 24/04/2013

Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by:

(April 24, 2013) - Do not pay your car insurance bill... until you read this. Out of all 246 auto insurers, we found these important "hidden" discounts. * After reporting on the hidden discounts, 789,000 drivers   used this one tip to get extreme insurance discounts. * Recently reported: if you're just with "any" auto insurer,   you may be overpaying by $793 a year. Click here -- to see the insurance discounts you'll get.

Kids at the Wedding At a friend's wedding, everything went smoothly until it was time for the flower girl and her young escort to come down the aisle. The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests. When asked afterward why he behaved so badly, he explained, "I was just trying to be a good ring bear." Print | Comment | Tweet It | Facebook It

Sponsor SHOCKING testosterone score saves man's life... personal story REVEALED! * Steroid Epidemic or Male Anti-Aging Breakthrough? You Decide. * Discovery sweeping the Country as men reclaim youth, strength and sex drive. * Doctor says if you don't know your score you are living in the dark ages! Take this FREE QUIZ... GUARANTED game changer for men over 40

A Gift from the Sheriff "Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?" "Yes. What can I do for you?" "I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith. He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there." "Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave. Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep!" "Happy Birthday, buddy!" Print | Comment | Tweet It | Facebook It

Things to Say to Ruin a Date There are lots of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date... I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired. I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you. I used to come here all the time with my ex. Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour. I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look. It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am. Print | Comment | Tweet It | Facebook It

Theory of M&M Evolution Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels. Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger,I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round. I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world. Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment. When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to: M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc. Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes." ========================================================================================== okes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by: (April 24, 2013) - Do not pay your car insurance bill... until you read this. Out of all 246 auto insurers, we found these important "hidden" discounts. * After reporting on the hidden discounts, 789,000 drivers   used this one tip to get extreme insurance discounts. * Recently reported: if you're just with "any" auto insurer,   you may be overpaying by $793 a year. Click here -- to see the insurance discounts you'll get. Editor's Note: You receive Late Night Jokes because you are subscribed to the Jokes ezine. This PM edition is sent Monday through Friday. Click here to stop receiving the evening edition. Late Night Funny #1 President Obama offered to wash senators' car if it would lead to an immigration bill. Senators then told Obama, 'If you're going to wash our cars, why do we need immigrants?' Conan O'Brien Print | Comment | Tweet It | Facebook It Sponsor SHOCKING testosterone score saves man's life... personal story REVEALED! * Steroid Epidemic or Male Anti-Aging Breakthrough? You Decide. * Discovery sweeping the Country as men reclaim youth, strength and sex drive. * Doctor says if you don't know your score you are living in the dark ages! Take this FREE QUIZ... GUARANTED game changer for men over 40 Late Night Funny #2 It was revealed today that someone sent President Obama a suspicious letter containing the poison ricin. It's a deadly poison made from beans. They said it's the third worst substance you can send in the mail behind anthrax and packing peanuts. Jimmy Kimmel Print | Comment | Tweet It | Facebook It Late Night Funny #3 Happy birthday to Israel. The country of Israel turned 65. Now that it's 65, Israel plans to retire and move to Florida. Conan O'Brien Print | Comment | Tweet It | Facebook It Late Night Funny #4 Why does the government charge us postage to send in our tax returns? We have to pay them to pay them. It's like giving a slice back to the pizza delivery guy. How about you just deduct 75 cents from what I already paid? Jimmy Kimmel Print | Comment | Tweet It | Facebook It Social Security column and more from ArcaMax Senior Living Check out ArcaMax's Senior Living channel, featuring news and advice for seniors on retirement, health, and more. Learn more about social security benefits, get health tips just for seniors, and more. Subscribe instantly to the Senior Living weekday email newsletter for daily news and feature stories. -- From the ArcaMax editors