Things That Needed to Be Said
On going to war over religion: "You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend." -- Rich Jeni
"I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." -- Gary Valentine On the difference between men and women: "On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars." -- Jeff Green "And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers. So people don't blame everything on Satan.'" -- John Wing "What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'" -- Francois Morency "The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'" -- Rich Jeni |
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More Things That Needed to Be Said
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." -- Jimmy Shubert
"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." -- Rich Jeni "My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading." -- Emo Philips "My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." -- Emo Philips "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'" -- Emo Philips "Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in." -- Rich Jeni |
Even More Things That Needed to Be Said
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." -- Ren Hicks
"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." -- Emo Philips "I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot." -- Kevin James "Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." -- Emo Philips "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." -- Rich Jeni |
Playing Blind
Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?"
Stevie Wonder says, "Not too bad, the latest album's gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it's pretty good. By the way, how's the golf?" Nicklaus replies, "Not too bad. I m not winning as much as I used to but I'm still making a bit of money. I had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that worked out now." "I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be all right," says Stevie. "You play golf!?" asks Jack. Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years." "But I thought you're blind! How can you play golf if you are blind?" Jack asks. "I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice," explains Stevie. "But how do you putt?" Nicklaus wondered. "Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice." Nicklaus says, "What is your handicap?" "I play off scratch," Stevie assures Jack. Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime." Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole." Nicklaus thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm up for that. When would you like to play?" "I don't care - any night next week is OK with me." |
Προσωπικο ημερολόγιο μαζί με διάφορες σκέψεις
Δευτέρα 2 Ιουλίου 2012
Ανέκδοτα, 2/07/2012
Κυριακή 1 Ιουλίου 2012
Ανέκδοτα, 20/06/2012
|
Η ΣΟΦΙΑ ΤΩΝ ΔΕΛΦΩΝ
Η ΣΟΦΙΑ ΤΩΝ ΔΕΛΦΩΝ
Θαλής ο Μιλήσιος, Πιττακός ο Μυτιληναίος, Βίας ο Πριηνεύς, Περίανδρος ο Κορίνθιος, Χείλων ο Λακεδαιμόνιος, Κλεόβουλος ο Ρόδιος).
Στον πρόναο του Ναού του Απόλλωνος στους Δελφούς εκατέρωθεν του ιερού γράμματος Ε, βρέθηκαν χαραγμένα τα δύο παραγγέλματα ( ΓΝΩΘΙ ΣΑΥΤΟΝ και ΜΗΔΕΝ ΑΓΑΝ).
ΕΠΟΥ ΘΕΩ . Ακολούθα το Θεό.
ΘΕΟΥΣ ΣΕΒΟΥ. Να σέβεσαι τους θεούς.
ΓΟΝΕΙΣ ΑΙΔΟΥ. Να σέβεσαι τους γονείς σου.
ΠΡΕΣΒΥΤΕΡΟΝ ΑΙΔΟΥ. Να σέβεσαι τους μεγαλύτερους.
ΙΚΕΤΑΣ ΑΙΔΟΥ. Να σέβεσαι τους ικέτες.
ΣΕΑΥΤΟΝ ΑΙΔΟΥ. Να σέβεσαι τον εαυτό σου.
ΦΟΝΟΥ ΑΠΕΧΟΥ. Μη φονεύεις.
ΟΡΚΩ ΜΗ ΧΡΩ. Μην ορκίζεσαι.
ΟΥΣ ΤΡΕΦΕΙΣ, ΑΓΑΠΑ. Να αγαπάς αυτούς που προστατεύεις.
ΕΣΤΙΑΝ ΤΙΜΑ. Τίμα το σπίτι σου.
ΓΑΜΟΥΣ ΚΡΑΤΕΙ. Να σέβεσαι τον γάμο σου.
ΓΑΜΕΙΝ ΜΕΛΛΟΝ ΚΑΙΡΟΝ ΓΝΩΘΙ. Παντρέψου στην ώρα σου.
ΕΞ ΕΥΓΕΝΩΝ ΓΕΝΝΑ. Να συγγενεύεις με καλούς ανθρώπους.
Ο ΜΕΛΛΕΙΣ ΔΟΣ. Να δίνεις αυτό που οφείλεις.
ΗΤΤΩ ΥΠΕΡ ΔΙΚΑΙΟΥ. Να πολεμάς για το δίκαιο.
ΦΡΟΝΕΙ ΘΝΗΤΑ . Να σκέφτεσαι όπως αρμόζει σε θνητό.
ΕΥ ΠΑΣΧΕ ΘΝΗΤΟΣ. Να υπομένεις σαν θνητός.
ΑΡΧΕ ΣΕΑΥΤΟΥ. Να κυριαρχείς στον εαυτό σου.
ΘΥΜΟΥ ΚΡΑΤΕΙ. Να συγκρατείς το θυμό σου.
ΟΜΙΛΕΙ ΠΡΑΩΣ. Να ομιλείς με πραότητα.
ΗΔΟΝΗΣ ΚΡΑΤΕΙΝ. Να είσαι εγκρατής.
ΓΛΩΤΤΑΝ ΙΣΧΕ. Nα συγκρατείς τη γλώσσα σου.
ΓΛΩΤΤΗΣ ΑΡΧΕ. Να κυριαρχείς στη γλώσσα σου.
ΜΗ ΘΡΑΣΥΝΟΥ. Μην είσαι θρασύς.
ΑΡΡΗΤΑ ΜΗ ΛΕΓΕ. Μην αποκαλύπτεις μυστικά.
ΛΕΓΕ ΕΙΔΩΣ. Να μιλάς όταν γνωρίζεις.
ΟΦΘΑΛΜΟΥ ΚΡΑΤΕΙ. Να ελέγχεις ό,τι βλέπεις.
ΠΙΝΩΝ ΑΡΜΟΖΕ. Όταν πίνεις να είσαι εγκρατής.
ΑΚΟΥΣΑΣ ΝΟΕΙ. Να κατανοείς αφού ακούσεις.
ΦΡΟΝΗΣΙΝ ΑΣΚΕΙ. Να καλλιεργείς τη φρόνηση.
ΜΕΛΕΤΕΙ ΤΟ ΠΑΝ. Να μελετάς τα πάντα.
ΒΟΥΛΕΥΟΥ ΧΡΟΝΩ. Να υπολογίζεις τον χρόνο.
ΓΝΟΥΣ ΠΡΑΤΤΕ. Να πράττεις με επίγνωση, με αυτογνωσία.
ΠΑΣΙ ΔΙΑΛΕΓΟΥ. Να συνδιαλέγεσαι με όλους.
ΑΚΟΥΕ ΠΑΝΤΑ. Να ακούς τα πάντα.
ΑΚΟΥΩΝ ΟΡΑ. Όταν ακούς, να βλέπεις.
ΔΟΞΑΝ ΔΙΩΚΕ. Να επιδιώκεις τη δόξα.
ΔΟΞΑΝ ΜΗ ΛΕΙΠΕ. Να μην αποφεύγεις τη δόξα.
ΚΑΛΟΝ ΛΕΓΕ. Να λες το ορθό, το δίκαιο, την αλήθεια.
ΠΑΝΤΑΣ ΕΥΛΟΓΕΙ. Να λες καλά λόγια για όλους.
ΕΥΓΕΝΕΙΑΝ ΑΣΚΕΙ. Να ασκείσαι στην ευγένεια.
ΦΙΛΟΦΡΟΝΕΙ ΠΑΣΙΝ. Να έχεις φιλικά αισθήματα για όλους.
ΕΥΠΡΟΣΗΓΟΡΟΣ ΓΙΝΟΥ. Να είσαι ευπροσήγορος και παρηγορητικός.
ΕΥΦΗΜΟΣ ΙΣΘΙ. Να έχεις καλή φήμη.
ΕΥΦΗΜΙΑΝ ΑΣΚΕΙ. Να χρησιμοποιείς σωστά την καλή σου φήμη.
ΦΥΛΑΚΗΝ ΠΡΟΣΕΧΕ. Να είσαι σε επιφυλακή.
ΟΜΟΙΟΙΣ ΧΡΩ. Να συναναστρέφεσαι με τους όμοιους σου.
ΟΡΑ ΤΟ ΜΕΛΛΟΝ. Να κοιτάς το μέλλον σου.
ΥΒΡΙΝ ΜΙΣΕΙ. Να μισείς την ύβρη.
ΕΥΧΟΥ ΔΥΝΑΤΑ. Να εύχεσαι όσα μπορούν να γίνουν.
ΧΡΗΣΜΟΥΣ ΘΑΥΜΑΣΕ. Να εκτιμάς τους χρησμούς.
ΦΙΛΟΙΣ ΒΟΗΘΕΙ. Να βοηθάς τους φίλους.
ΦΙΛΙΑΝ ΑΓΑΠΑ. Να αγαπάς τη φιλία.
ΦΙΛΟΙΣ ΕΥΝΟΕΙ. Να ευνοείς τους φίλους.
ΦΙΛΙΑΝ ΦΥΛΑΤΤΕ. Να προστατεύεις τη φιλία.
ΦΙΛΩ ΧΑΡΙΖΟΥ. Να είσαι πάντα διαθέσιμος στους φίλους.
ΝΕΩΤΕΡΟΝ ΔΙΔΑΣΚΕ. Να διδάσκεις τους νεότερους.
ΥΙΟΥΣ ΠΑΙΔΕΥΕ. Να εκπαιδεύεις τα παιδιά σου.
ΣΟΦΙΑΝ ΖΗΤΕΙ. Να αναζητάς τη σοφία.
ΜΑΝΘΑΝΩΝ ΜΗ ΚΑΜΝΕ. Να μην κουράζεσαι να μαθαίνεις.
ΓΝΩΘΙ ΜΑΘΩΝ. Να γνωρίζεις αφού μάθεις (να αποκτάς γνώση, να γνωρίζεις από τις εμπειρίες).
ΣΟΦΟΙΣ ΧΡΩ. Να συναναστρέφεσαι με σοφούς ή να χρησιμοποιείς τη σοφία τους.
ΦΙΛΟΣΟΦΟΣ ΓΙΝΟΥ. Να αγαπάς τη σοφία.
ΣΑΥΤΟΝ ΙΣΘΙ. Να είσαι ο εαυτός σου.
ΓΝΩΘΙ ΣΑΥΤΟΝ. Να γνωρίζεις τον εαυτό σου.
ΠΑΙΔΕΙΑΣ ΑΝΤΕΧΟΥ. Να αντέχεις στην εκπαίδευση.
ΗΘΟΣ ΔΟΚΙΜΑΖΕ. Να επιδοκιμάζεις το ήθος.
ΤΕΧΝΗ ΧΡΩ. Να ασκείς την τέχνη.
ΕΥΕΡΓΕΣΙΑΣ ΤΙΜΑ. Να εκτιμάς τις ευεργεσίες που σου γίνονται.
ΑΓΑΘΟΥΣ ΤΙΜΑ. Να τιμάς τους αγαθούς.
ΕΠΑΙΝΕΙ ΑΡΕΤΗΝ. Να επαινείς την αρετή.
ΤΥΧΗΝ ΝΟΜΙΖΕ. Να λαμβάνεις υπ' όψη τον παράγοντα τύχη.
ΤΥΧΗ ΜΗ ΠΙΣΤΕΥΕ. Να μην είσαι προληπτικός.
ΤΥΧΗΝ ΣΤΕΡΓΕ. Να αποδέχεσαι την τύχη σου.
ΕΓΓΥΗΝ ΦΕΥΓΕ. Μην εγγυάσαι τίποτα.
ΧΑΡΙΝ ΕΚΤΕΛΕΙ. Υπηρέτησε τη Χάρη.
ΕΥΤΥΧΙΑΝ ΕΥΧΟΥ. Να εύχεσαι ευτυχία.
ΟΝΕΙΔΟΣ ΕΧΘΑΙΡΕ. Να εχθρεύεσαι τον χλευασμό.
ΥΒΡΙΝ ΑΜΥΝΟΥ. Να προφυλάσσεσαι από την ύβρη.
ΠΡΑΤΤΕ ΔΙΚΑΙΑ. Να πράττεις δίκαια.
ΚΡΙΝΕ ΔΙΚΑΙΑ. Να κρίνεις δίκαια.
ΑΔΙΚΕΙΝ ΜΙΣΕΙ. Να μισείς την αδικία.
ΑΔΩΡΟΔΟΚΗΤΟΣ ΔΙΚΑΖΕ. Να δικάζεις χωρίς δωροδοκία.
ΑΙΤΙΩ ΠΑΡΟΝΤΑ. Να εξηγείς όσα συμβαίνουν.
ΥΙΟΙΣ ΜΗ ΚΑΤΑΘΑΡΡΕΙ. Μην αποκαρδιώνεις τα παιδιά σου.
ΚΟΙΝΟΣ ΓΙΝΟΥ. Να είσαι κοινωνικός.
ΑΠΟΚΡΙΝΟΥ ΕΝ ΚΑΙΡΩ. Να αποκρίνεσαι έγκαιρα.
ΠΡΑΤΤΕ ΑΜΕΤΑΝΟΗΤΩΣ. Μη μετανοιώνεις για τις πράξεις σου.
ΕΛΠΙΔΑ ΑΙΝΕΙ. Να δοξάζεις την ελπίδα.
ΤΩ ΒΙΩ ΜΑΧΟΥ. Να μάχεσαι για τη ζωή.
ΑΤΥΧΟΥΝΤΙ ΣΥΝΑΧΘΟΥ. Να συμπάσχεις με τον δυστυχή.
ΧΡΟΝΟΥ ΦΕΙΔΟΥ. Μη σπαταλάς το χρόνο σου.
ΠΕΡΑΣ ΕΠΙΤΕΛΕΙ ΜΗ ΑΠΟΔΕΙΛΙΩΝ. Να τελειώνεις ότι αρχίζεις.
ΕΠΙΤΕΛΕΙ ΣΥΝΤΟΜΩΣ. Να ολοκληρώνεις το έργο σου χωρίς αναβολή.
ΚΑΙΡΟΝ ΠΡΟΣΔΕΧΟΥ. Να αποδέχεσαι τον χρόνο.
ΓΗΡΑΣ ΠΡΟΣΔΕΧΟΥ. Να αποδέχεσαι το γήρας.
ΑΜΑΡΤΑΝΩΝ ΜΕΤΑΝΟΕΙ. Να μετανοείς όταν αμαρτάνεις.
ΕΡΙΝ ΜΙΣΕΙ. Να μισείς τη έριδα.
ΟΜΟΝΟΙΑΝ ΔΙΩΚΕ. Να επιδιώκεις την ομόνοια.
ΒΙΑΣ ΜΗ ΕΧΟΥ. Να μην βιάζεσαι.
ΒΙΑΝ ΜΗΔΕΝ ΠΡΑΤΤΕΙΝ. Να μην κάνεις τίποτα βιαστικά.
ΝΟΜΩ ΠΕΙΘΟΥ. Να πειθαρχείς στο Νόμο.
ΤΟ ΚΡΑΤΟΥΝ ΦΟΒΟΥ. Να φοβάσαι το ισχυρό.
ΘΝΗΣΚΕ ΥΠΕΡ ΠΑΤΡΙΔΟΣ. Να πεθαίνεις για την πατρίδα.
ΕΧΘΡΟΥΣ ΑΜΥΝΟΥ. Να προφυλάσσεσαι από τους εχθρούς σου.
ΕΠΙ ΡΩΜΗ ΜΗ ΚΑΥΧΩ. Να μην καυχιέσαι για τη δύναμή σου.
ΜΗ ΑΡΧΕ ΥΒΡΙΖΕΙΝ. Να μην κυριαρχείς με αλαζονεία.
ΛΑΒΩΝ ΑΠΟΔΟΣ. Όταν λαμβάνεις να ανταποδίδεις.
ΕΥΓΝΩΜΩΝ ΓΙΝΟΥ. Να είσαι ευγνώμων.
ΠΡΟΝΟΙΑΝ ΤΙΜΑ. Να εκτιμάς τη θεία πρόνοια.
ΥΦΟΡΩ ΜΗΔΕΝΑ. Να μη βλέπεις κανένα με καχυποψία .
ΑΛΛΟΤΡΙΩΝ ΑΠΕΧΟΥ. Να απέχεις από όσα αλλοτριώνουν την ψυχή.
ΨΕΓΕ ΜΗΔΕΝΑ. Να μην κατηγορείς κανένα.
ΔΙΑΒΟΛΗΝ ΜΙΣEI. Να μη συκοφαντείς.
ΦΘΟΝΕΙ ΜΗΔΕΝΙ. Να μην φθονείς κανένα.
ΑΠΕΧΘΕΙΑΝ ΦΕΥΓΕ. Να αποφεύγεις την απέχθεια.
ΕΧΘΡΑΣ ΔΙΑΛΥΕ. Να διαλύεις τις έχθρες.
ΚΑΚΙΑΝ ΜΙΣΕΙ. Να μισείς την κακία.
ΚΑΚΙΑΣ ΑΠΕΧΟΥ. Να απέχεις από την κακία.
ΔΟΛΟΝ ΦΟΒΟΥ. Να φοβάσαι το δόλο.
ΑΠΟΝΤΙ ΜΗ ΜΑΧΟΥ. Να μην κακολογείς όποιον είναι απών.
ΠΛΟΥΤΕΙ ΔΙΚΑΙΩΣ. Να πλουτίζεις δίκαια.
ΔΙΚΑΙΩΣ ΚΤΩ. Να αποκτάς δίκαια.
ΠΟΝΕΙ ΜΕΤ' ΕΥΚΛΕΙΑΣ. Να κοπιάζεις με τιμή.
ΠΛΟΥΤΩ ΑΠΟΣΤΕΙ. Να απέχεις από τον πλούτο.
ΧΡΩ ΧΡΗΜΑΣΙ. Να χρησιμοποιείς τα χρήματά.
ΔΑΠΑΝΩΝ ΑΡΧΟΥ. Να ελέγχεις τις δαπάνες σου.
ΕΧΩΝ ΧΑΡΙΖΟΥ. Όταν έχεις, να χαρίζεις.
ΧΑΡΙΖΟΥ ΕΥΛΑΒΩΣ. Να χαρίζεις με ευλάβεια.
ΚΤΩΜΕΝΟΣ ΗΔΟΥ. Να χαίρεσαι οσα αποκτάς και να μην είσαι άπληστος.
ΕΡΓΑΖΟΥ ΚΤΗΤΑ. Να κοπιάζεις για τα εφικτά.
ΠΑΝ ΜΕΤΡΟΝ ΑΡΙΣΤΟΝ. Κάθε μέτρο είναι άριστο.
ΜΗΔΕΝ ΑΓΑΝ. Καμία υπερβολή.
ΕΥΣΕΒΕΙΑΝ ΦΥΛΑΤΤΕ. Να είσαι ευσεβής.
ΑΙΣΧΥΝΗΝ ΣΕΒΟΥ. Να σέβεσαι τη ντροπή.
ΚΙΝΔΥΝΕΥΕ ΦΡΟΝΙΜΩΣ. Να κινδυνεύεις με σύνεση.
ΜΗ ΕΠΙ ΠΑΝΤΙ ΛΥΠΟΥ. Να μη λυπάσαι για το κάθε τι.
ΑΛΥΠΩΣ ΒΙΟΥ. Να ζεις χωρίς λύπη.
ΤΕΛΕΥΤΩΝ ΑΛΥΠΟΣ. Να πεθαίνεις χωρίς λύπη.
ΙΔΙΑ ΦΥΛΑΤΤΕ. Προστάτευσε τα δικά σου.
ΤΟ ΣΥΜΦΕΡΟΝ ΘΗΡΩ. Να κυνηγάς το καλό σου.
ΣΕΑΥΤΟΝ ΕΥ ΠΟΙΕΙ. Να ευεργετείς τον εαυτό σου.
ΠΡΟΓΟΝΟΥΣ ΣΤΕΦΑΝΟΥ. Να τιμάς τους προγόνους.
ΕΠΙ ΝΕΚΡΩ ΜΗ ΓΕΛΑ. Μην περιγελάς τους νεκρούς .
ΕΠΑΓΓΕΛΟΥ ΜΗΔΕΝΙ. Να μη διατάζεις κανένα.
ΠΑΙΣ ΩΝ ΚΟΣΜΙΟΣ ΙΣΘΙ, ΗΒΩΝ ΕΓΚΡΑΤΗΣ, ΜΕΣΟΣ ΔΙΚΑΙΟΣ, ΠΡΕΣΒΥΤΕΡΟΣ ΣΟΦΟΣ. Σαν παιδί να είσαι κόσμιος, σαν έφηβος εγκρατής,σαν άνδρας δίκαιος, και σαν γέροντας σοφός.
Ανέκδοτα, 1/07/2012
Rules for When You Find Yourself in a Horror Movie
- Don't assume the telephone calls are coming from another house.
- When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead. - Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke. - Don't go into the basement to check the power when the lights go out! - If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice. - When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER split up and go it alone. - Don't have sex. Especially if you've noticed a few of your friends are missing! - As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open a portal to Hell. |
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More Rules for When You Find Yourself in a Horror Movie
-Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.
- If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat, don't stand their sighing with relief, GET THE HECK OUT! - If appliances start operating by themselves, don't check for short circuits; JUST GET OUT! - Do not take ANYTHING from the dead. - If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around. - Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing. - If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely ambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you. |
Even More Rules for When You Find Yourself in a Horror Movie
- If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.
- Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Arkham (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine. - If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange because you thought you had 3/4 of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and will most likely be eaten. - Beware of strangers bearing strange tools. For example: chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions. - If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house. |
Seeing Eye Dog
I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked.
Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to take a walk." Picture this... all the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they also were trying to change airlines! |
ΓΙΑ ΛΥΠΗΣΗ...
«Να λυπάστε το έθνος που φοράει ρούχα που δεν ύφανε, τρώει ψωμί που δεν θέρισε, και πίνει κρασί που δεν ρέει από δικά του πατητήρια.
Να λυπάστε το έθνος που ζητωκραυγάζει τον βίαιο άνθρωπο σαν ήρωα και θεωρεί γενναιόδωρο τον μεγαλοπρεπή κατακτητή.
Να λυπάστε το έθνος που περιφρονεί το πάθος στα όνειρά του, κι όμως υποτάσσεται σ’ αυτό μόλις ξυπνά.
Να λυπάστε το έθνος που δεν υψώνει τη φωνή του παρά μόνο σε νεκρώσιμη πομπή, δεν υπερηφανεύεται παρά μόνο μέσα στα συντρίμμια του, δεν εξεγείρεται παρά μόνο όταν βρεθεί με το λαιμό του ανάμεσα στο σπαθί και στο ξύλο.
Να λυπάστε το έθνος που ο κυβερνήτης του είναι αλεπού, ο φιλόσοφός του ταχυδακτυλουργός και η τέχνη του τέχνη του μπαλώματος και της μίμησης.
Να λυπάστε το έθνος που καλωσορίζει τον καινούριο του άρχοντα με σάλπιγγες και τον αποχαιρετά με κραυγές αποδοκιμασίας, μέχρι να υποδεχτεί τον καινούριο με τη συνοδεία σάλπιγγας και πάλι.
Να λυπάστε το έθνος που οι σοφοί του σώπασαν με τα χρόνια και οι δυνατοί του άντρες είναι ακόμα βρέφη.
Να λυπάστε το έθνος που έγινε κομμάτια και το κάθε του κομμάτι αυτοανακηρύσσεται έθνος».
Να λυπάστε το έθνος που ζητωκραυγάζει τον βίαιο άνθρωπο σαν ήρωα και θεωρεί γενναιόδωρο τον μεγαλοπρεπή κατακτητή.
Να λυπάστε το έθνος που περιφρονεί το πάθος στα όνειρά του, κι όμως υποτάσσεται σ’ αυτό μόλις ξυπνά.
Να λυπάστε το έθνος που δεν υψώνει τη φωνή του παρά μόνο σε νεκρώσιμη πομπή, δεν υπερηφανεύεται παρά μόνο μέσα στα συντρίμμια του, δεν εξεγείρεται παρά μόνο όταν βρεθεί με το λαιμό του ανάμεσα στο σπαθί και στο ξύλο.
Να λυπάστε το έθνος που ο κυβερνήτης του είναι αλεπού, ο φιλόσοφός του ταχυδακτυλουργός και η τέχνη του τέχνη του μπαλώματος και της μίμησης.
Να λυπάστε το έθνος που καλωσορίζει τον καινούριο του άρχοντα με σάλπιγγες και τον αποχαιρετά με κραυγές αποδοκιμασίας, μέχρι να υποδεχτεί τον καινούριο με τη συνοδεία σάλπιγγας και πάλι.
Να λυπάστε το έθνος που οι σοφοί του σώπασαν με τα χρόνια και οι δυνατοί του άντρες είναι ακόμα βρέφη.
Να λυπάστε το έθνος που έγινε κομμάτια και το κάθε του κομμάτι αυτοανακηρύσσεται έθνος».
Ανέκδοτα, 21/06/2012
The Good Old Days
Grandpa and Grandma were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good old days," when Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?"
Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his. With a wry little smile, Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged, you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?" Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek. Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?" Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?" Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!" |
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Reverse Polygamy
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer" |
Noah and His Ark Today
If Noah had lived in the United States today the story may have gone something like this:
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark." In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "you must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year." Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah!" He shouted. "Where is the Ark?" "Lord, please forgive me," cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction, and your plans did not meet the building codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a sprinkler system and approved floatation devices. Then, my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. Then, I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I really needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me take the 2 owls. The carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now, I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls. When I started rounding up the other animals, an animal rights group sued me. They objected to me taking only two of each kind aboard. This suit is pending. Meanwhile, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the Universe. Then, the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed flood plain. I sent them a globe. Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking atheists aboard. The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a 'recreational water craft'. And finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it's a religious event, and, therefore unconstitutional. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years." Noah waited. The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine, and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth, Lord?" "No," He said sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has." |
The Baptism
A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.
He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yes,Preacher. I sure am." The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked. "No, I didn't!" said the drunk. The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?" "No, I did not Reverend." The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, have you found Jesus yet?" The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher... "Are you sure this is where he fell in?" |
Ολυμπία ΚαράγιωργαΑνέκδοτα, 22/06/2012
The Rocking Horse
A mother, visiting a department store, took her son to the toy department. Spying a gigantic rocking horse the boy climbed up on it and rocked back and forth for almost an hour.
"Come on, Son," the mother pleaded. "I have to get home to get father's dinner." The little lad refused to budge, and all her efforts were unavailing. The department manager also tried to coax the little fellow without meeting with any success. Eventually, in desperation they called the store's psychiatrist. Gently he walked over and whispered a few words in the boy's ear, and immediately the lad jumped off and ran to his mother's side. "How did you do it?" the mother asked incredibly. "What did you say to him?" The psychiatrist hesitated for a moment, then said, "All I said was, `If you don't jump off that rocking horse at once, son, I'll knock the stuffing out of you!'" |
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Bumpers
Most people hate to parallel park. The other day, I saw this woman trying to get out of a tight parking space. She'd bump the car in front, then back-up and strike the car behind her. This went on about 2 minutes.
I walked over to see if I could somehow help. My offer was declined though. She said, "Why have bumpers if you're not going to use them once in a while?" |
The Titanic Test
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St.Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie, and answered, "1,228." "That's right! You may enter." St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them." |
Potato Jokes
Why did the potato cross the road?
He saw a fork up ahead. How do you describe an angry potato? Boiling Mad. Why didn't the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster? Because he was a commontater. Why wouldn't the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone? He desperately wanted a scoop. What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato? Anything, just butter him up. What does a British potato say when it thinks something is wonderful? It's mashing! What do you call a baby potato? A small fry! |
Ανέκδοτα, 25//06/2012
Nasty Habits
It seems that an elephant got too close to all the baby ducks the circus had brought in for Easter and accidentally inhaled a bunch of them.
The poor elephant was choking on them and no one could help. Finally the trainer goosed him -- and the elephant blew out a whole trunkful of downy feathers. Yep! That's what he gets for snorting quack. |
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Three Vampires in a Bar
Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."
The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some blood." The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some plasma." The waitress looks up and says, "Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?" |
Boss's Joke
The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody, but one girl laughed uproariously.
"What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you got a sense of humor?" "I don't have to laugh," she replied. "I'm leaving Friday." |
The Perils of Growing Older
One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget." So they awakened the old man and asked him to tell a story.
"Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting expedition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. "I don't know how long I was asleep when I suddently was awakened by a noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest darned lion I'd ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this: "RRROOAARRR!!! "I tell you, I just soiled myself!" The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't blame you, I would have soiled myself too if a lion jumped out at me." The old man shook his head and said, "No, no, not back then -- I solied myself just now, when I said 'RRROOAAARRR!!!' Could one of you help me out please?" |
Ανέκδοτα, 23/06/2012
Top Ten Reasons Why Dogs Are Better Pets Than Cats
1. Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you say. Cats will ignore you and take a nap.
2. Cats look silly on a leash. 3. When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick your face. Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place. 4. Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born. 5. A dog knows when you're sad. And he'll try to comfort you. Cats don't care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is. 6. Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will drop a dead mouse in your slippers. 7. When you take them for a ride, dogs will sit on the seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private basket, or they won't go at all. 8. Dogs will come when you call them. And they'll be happy. Cats will have someone take a message and get back to you. 9. Dogs will play fetch with you all day long. The only thing cats will play with all day long are small rodents or bugs, preferably ones that look like they're in pain. 10. Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door. |
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Cynical Meanings
Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other.
Divorce: Future tense of marriage. Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either." Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present. Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece. Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power... Dictionary: A place where success comes before work. Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on. Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read. Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight. Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life. Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth. |
Mutual Attraction
In the middle of an argument a man said to his wife, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time!"
The wife responded calmly, "Allow me to explain...the good Lord made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; and he made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!" |
Contact Lens
The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found.
Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand. "How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked. "We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150." |
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