Πέμπτη 13 Δεκεμβρίου 2012

Σχολείο Επικαιρότητας (12/12/12) με χιούμορ… (ξεκαρδιστικό!)



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«Έκλεισε το Φορολογικό Νομοσχέδιο. Εντάξει, δεν ήρθε και το… Τέλος του Κόσμου!»
Ο Γρήγορος Διδάσκαλος σατυρογραφεί /
επικαιροποιεί το χιούμορ/ χρονογραφεί για γέλια
(για να μη μας πιάσουν τα κλάματα)
Έκλεισε το Φορολογικό Νομοσχέδιο.
Εντάξει, δεν ήρθε και… το Τέλος του Κόσμου!
Δάκρυσε ο Χριστόφιας για την υπογραφή του Μνημονίου.
Και ο ΓΑΠ ήταν στεναχωρημένος εκείνο το πρωί. Είχε χάσει την πρωινή του γυμναστική.
Και ο ΓΑΠ δάκρυσε. Είχε φάει πολύ πεπόνι!
Παραιτείται ο Μόντι. Επανέρχεται ο Μπερλουσκόνι.
Τα Χρηματιστήρια καταρρέουν. Tα callgirlsανακουφίστηκαν!
Μόνο στο Παγκόσμιο Πρωτάθλημα Νεανίδων Υδατοσφαίρισης δεν τα κάναμε…θάλασσα!
Μόνο δύο πράγματα είναι σίγουρα σε αυτή τη ζωή: Ο θάνατος και η νέα αύξηση τιμολογίων της ΔΕΗ!
Μετά την ολοκλήρωση επαναγοράς των ομολόγων θα αποθηκευτούν σε ειδικά διαμορφωμένο χώρο στο ΧΥΤΑ Φυλής. Μεγάλες αντιδράσεις της τοπικής κοινωνίας.
Ο Κ.Σκανδαλίδης ξαναγράφτηκε στο ΠΑΣΟΚ.
Δεν ήθελε να χάσει το Χριστουγεννιάτικο πάρτι του Κόμματος!
Να κάθεσαι πάνω σε εκατομμύρια βαρέλια πετρελαίου και να μην έχεις για το καλοριφέρ; Όχι Κινέζικο, Γερμανικό βασανιστήριο, είναι!
Άκουσα πως στο Νηπιαγωγείο του γιου μου ανάψανε καλοριφέρ. Πάω να ξαναγραφτώ. Σαν τον Σκανδαλίδη!
Ανοιχτά τα καταστήματα και τις Κυριακές.
Για να μη νιώθουν μόνες οι μύγες.
20 Ευρωπαίοι ηγέτες παρέλαβαν το Νόμπελ Ειρήνης.
Σε 5 λεπτά ξέσπασε άγριος καβγάς με ξύλο για το ποιος θα το πάρει σπίτι του!!!
Οι Ευρωπαίοι Ηγέτες πήραν το Νόμπελ Ειρήνης; Μήπως είναι άλλη μια κακόγουστη φάρσα Αυστραλών;
Η χρηματική αμοιβή του Νόμπελ Ειρήνης θα διατεθεί στα θύματα του πολέμου στη Σερβία, Βοσνία, Ιράκ και Λιβύη.
Οι ληστές εγκατέλειψαν την Cayenneτου Μάκη.
Ούτε αυτός πλήρωσε Τέλη Κυκλοφορίας;!!!
Διεκδίκησε και πήρε Αποζημίωση 25.000€ ο Κ.Σημίτης ως θύμα τρομοκρατικής ενέργειας. Μήπως ήταν …προκαταβολή;
Με αυτό το Φορολογικό θα αναθέσουν την εύρεση πόρων του Κράτους στην Νικολούλη!
Με το επίδομα πολυτέκνου και τι ΔΕΝ θα αγοράσω!!!
Και μόλις εισπράξουμε το Επίδομα Πολυτέκνου, γυναίκα, θα πάμε στο δάσος να βρούμε τα παιδιά!
Για χάρη του Ορυκτού αφανίζουν τον Εθνικό μας πλούτο: Τα παιδιά!
Σάλος στη συνεδρίαση της Κ.Ο. των Ανάδελφων Ελλήνων!
Όταν είπαμε Ανεξάρτητοι, δεν εννοούσαμε μεταξύ σας!
Ελπίζω να με αξιώσει ο Θεός να φτάσω στα βαθιά γεράματα για να δω τη λίστα Λαγκάρντ να έρχεται στην Ελλάδα από τη μακρινή Γαλλία!
(Λέξεις κλειδιά για αναζήτηση της στήλης μου στο Διαδίκτυο:
σεξ, γυμνή, σοκάρει, freeporn, δωρεάν, Πώς Να Τον Κάνεις Να…, Μεγάλος Διαγωνισμός, Επιμήκυνση Πέους, γυμνές διασημότητες, κουτσομπολιό, κρυφή ζωή Αστέρων, κτλ)
(Σοβαρά τώρα)
Η Μεσορόπη Καβάλας ανέδειξε την κατάσταση όλης της Ελλάδας: Ετοιμόρροπη!
Χα, χα, χα, καλά να περνάτε,
Ο Γρήγορος Διδάσκαλος

Οταν ο ΚΥΡ έχει κέφια 12/12/2012


Οταν ο ΚΥΡ έχει κέφια

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ΒΡΑΔΥΝΑ ΑΝΕΚΔΟΤΑ 12/12/2012


Late Night Funny #1


Santa Monica has banned nativity scenes on public land. Opponents want to use real people to make a display instead of statues to get around the rule. The problem is, it’s Los Angeles. So where are you going to find three Wise Men and a virgin?

Late Night Funny #2

Native Americans are understandably very upset. This country used to belong to them. And, of course, now it belongs to the Chinese, so they are very furious about that.

Late Night Funny #3

Barbara Walters has released part of her ‘Most Fascinating People’ list. This year Hillary Clinton and Honey Boo Boo are both on it. That’s right. The woman who may soon be president – and Hillary Clinton.

Late Night Funny #4

There was one really awkward moment with the American Indians. In the middle of the meeting, Joe Biden walked in wearing a Redskins jersey.

Read more at http://www.arcamax.com/entertainment/jokes/s-1247105-325809#sCwTmlzX1cFlAYy6.99 

Τετάρτη 12 Δεκεμβρίου 2012

ΑΝΕΚΔΟΤΑ 12/12/2012

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Corporate Structure, Part 1

Chairman Of The Board - Leaps tall buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a speeding locomotive; faster than a speeding bullet. Walks on water. Gives policy to God.

President - Leaps short buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a switch engine; just as fast as a speeding bullet. Walks on water when the water is calm. Talks with God.

Executive Vice-President - Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds. Is almost as powerful as a switch engine; not quite as fast as a speeding bullet. Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool. Talks to God if special request is granted.

Vice President - Barely clears a quonset hut. Loses tug of war with locomotive. Can fire a speeding bullet. Swims well. Is occasionally addressed by God.

Corporate Structure, Part 2

General Manager - Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings. Is run over by a locomotive. Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury. Dog paddles. Talks to animals.
Manager - Runs into buildings. Recognizes locomotive two out of three times. Is not issued ammunition. Can't stay afloat with a life preserver. Talks to walls.
Trainee - Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings. Says, "Look at the choo-choo." Wets self with a water pistol. Plays in mud puddles. Mumbles to self.
Secretary - Lifts buildings and walks under them. Kicks locomotives off the tracks. Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them. Freezes water with single glance. She IS God.
 

A Nicer Approach

Every night, after dinner, a man took off for the local tavern. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home very drunk around midnight each night.
He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine.
One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all.
The friend listened to her, and then said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently, when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways."
The wife thought that might be a good idea.
That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition.
His wife heard him at the door, and quickly went to it, and opened the door, and let Harry in.
This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to him, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed, now, don't you think?"
At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll be getting in trouble with the stupid wife when I get home anyway!"

Buggy Milk

A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.

ΒΡΑΔΥΝΑ ΑΝΕΚΔΟΤΑ

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Late Night Funny #1

Mitt Romney has a new job. He’s going back to work. He got a job at a Marriott. When you’re at the front desk arguing over your mini bar bill, Mitt will be the guy that comes from out back and says, ‘I understand there’s some trouble?’

David Letterman
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Late Night Funny #2

Mitt Romney is going back to work. Romney is joining the board of directors at Marriott hotels. See, who says President Obama can’t create jobs? There’s one right there.

Jay Leno

Late Night Funny #3

A lot of dissension among conservatives. One of the leaders of the Tea Party has resigned after a major split in the movement. The Tea Party is now divided between angry whites and even angrier whites.

Conan O'Brien

Late Night Funny #4

Earlier today Mitt Romney was spotted on a Costco shopping spree. Romney ended up buying 14 Costcos.

Jimmy Fallon

ΑΝΕΚΔΟΤΑ 10./12/2012

More New Commonplace Words

Lactomangulation (n.) Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

Lullabuoy (n.) An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.

Peppier (n.) The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

Phonesia (n.) The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

Pupkus (n.) The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

Telecrastination (n.) The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
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Son of New Commonplace Words

Faunacated (adj.) How wildlife ends up when its environment is destroyed. Hence Faunacatering (v.), which has made a meal of many species.

Frust (n.) The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

Grantartica (n.) The cold, isolated place where art companies dwell without funding.

Hemaglobe (n.) The bloody state of the world.

Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Kinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.

Revenge of New Commonplace Words

Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

Decaflon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Disconfect (v.) To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.

Dopelar Effect (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you explain them rapidly.

Elbonics (n.) The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented upon. Also known as an E-T-ry.

Going On The Wagon

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife that I had a drinking problem, and to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else. I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank.

I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank.

I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.

I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.

I'm not under the affluence of incohol as some thinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.

ΑΝΕΚΔΟΤΑ 9/12/2012

Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by:
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Child Rearing FAQ

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him).
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More Child rearing FAQ

Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

Catholic School Math

A ten year old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.

After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door.

For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card.

The boy walked in with his report card - unopened - laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the subject of MATH.

Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.

"Was it the nuns that did it?", the father asked.

The boy only shook his head and said, "No."

"Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?"

"No."

"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"

"Nope," said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy they nailed to the 'plus sign,' I just knew they meant business!"

Saving a Marriage

After years of hiding the fact that the love is gone, Mom and Dad announced to their grown children that they're getting a divorce.

The kids were totally distraught and, as a stab at keeping their parents together, arranged a series of sessions for the whole family with a world-famous marriage counselor.

The counselor worked for hours, tried all of his methods and tricks, but the parents wouldn't even talk to each other.

Finally, he walked over to a closet, brought out an oboe, and began to play. After a minute or so, the parents started talking and, as the counselor continued soloing on the oboe, the couple discovered they're not that far apart and decided to give their marriage another try.

The children were amazed and asked the counselor how he managed to do it. He replied, "Simple. I've never seen a couple that wouldn't talk through an oboe solo."

ΑΝΕΚΔΟΤΑ 8/12/2012

Candy, and more Candy

The day after Halloween, Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."

Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little Johnny answered, "No, he but he knew how to mind his own business!"
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Accountant

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"Excuse me?" the accountant said.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."

"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"

"I'll start you at eighty thousand."

"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

Human Resources & The 7 Dwarfs

In every Human Resources report, there is a reason for termination. There are so many possibilities, that we have narrowed the list down to the 7 dwarfs. Here they are:

Happy: Had trouble putting nose to the grindstone. Too much time spent telling jokes at the water cooler.

Doc: Left to pursue further schooling, in particular, Ph.D. work.

Sleepy: Chronically late for work. Caused many project delays.

Grumpy: Poor attitude toward work. Not a team player. Trouble with early mornings.

Dopey: Made several critical errors at work costing the company money, e.g., misappropriated company funds.

Sneezy: Recurrent, chronic illness has made it difficult for the employee to complete work in a timely fashion.

Bashful: Lack of initiative. Not willing to make cold calls. Too often let workplace disagreements simmer.

OTHERS

Jealous Queen: Heavy involvement in the occult not congruent with organizational policies.

Snow White: Misconduct, e.g., kissing strange men while under some kind of trance.

Huntsman: Couldn't stand to be cooped up in the office all day. Pursuing work with the National Forest Service.

Ponder These

1. Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

2. Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

3. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

4. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

5. On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message "oneslice"? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?

6. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

7. Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?

8. How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?

9. Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

10. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart than apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" When, it isn't all right .

11. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

12. Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

13. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

14. How come we never hear father-in-law jokes?

15. If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?

16. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.

ΒΡΑΔΥΝΑ 7/12/2012

Late Night Funny #1

House Speaker John Boehner’s office was invaded by a group of nude female protesters. Boehner’s unsure what they were protesting, but says he’ll definitely keep doing it.

Conan O'Brien
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Late Night Funny #2

President Obama and Mitt Romney had lunch the other day at the White House. Romney offered to pay. But Obama said, ‘No, no, it’s on our grandchildren.’

Jay Leno

Late Night Funny #3

Jeff Zucker, the former head of NBC, is taking over CNN. And today Wolf Blitzer announced in five years he’s stepping aside for Conan O’Brien.

Craig Ferguson

Late Night Funny #4

Powerball officials say two people won the $580 million. Congratulations to the winners – Mitt and Ann Romney. 

ΑΝΕΚΔΟΤΑ 7/12/2012

Live in NY?

You Know You're From New York When...

You're 35 years old and don't have a driver's license.

You ride in a subway car with no air conditioning just because there are seats available.

You take the train home and you know exactly where on the platform the doors will open that will leave you right in front of the exit stairway.

You know what a "regular" coffee is.

It's not Manhattan...... It's the "city".

There is no north and south. It's "uptown" or "downtown." If you're really from New York you have absolutely no concept of where north and south are.... And east or west is "crosstown."

You cross the street anywhere but on the corners and you yell at cars for not respecting your right to do it.

You move 3,000 miles away, spend 10 years learning the local language and people still know you're from Brooklyn the minute you open your mouth.

You return after 10 years and the first foods you want are a "real" pizza and a "real" bagel.

A 500 square foot apartment is large.

You know the differences between all the different Ray's pizzas.

You are not under the mistaken impression that any human being would be able to actually understand a p.a. Announcement on the subway.

You wouldn't bother ordering pizza in any other city.

You get ready to order dinner every night and must choose from the major food groups which are: Chinese, Italian, Mexican or Indian.

You're not the least bit interested in going to Times Square on New Year's eve.

Your internal clock is permanently set to know when alternate side of the street parking regulations are in effect.

Someone bumps into you, and you check for your wallet.

You don't even notice the lady walking down the road having a perfectly normal conversation with herself.

You pay "only" $230 a month to park your car.

The presidential visit is a major traffic jam, not an honor.

You can nap on the subway and never miss your stop.

The deli guy gives you a straw with any beverage you buy, even if it's a beer.
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What if...?

A husband asks his wife, "If I should die first would you marry again?"

"I would be heart-broken, of course," was her reply, "but I think eventually I would remarry."

"But you wouldn't bring him here to our house?"

"Why not? I've worked and slaved to make this house a home. There is no reason to abandon it."

"But you wouldn't sleep in our bed?"

"Well, I wouldn't run out and buy a new bed right away."

"Surely, you wouldn't let him use my golf clubs?"

"Of course not! He's lefthanded!"

Humor Just for Women

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

What's the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says..."

What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
Straight through the rib cage.

Why can't men get mad cow disease?
Because they're all pigs.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A power failure.

Water Beds

Since I had been selling water beds for almost four years, I thought I had heard every question imaginable. But then a customer asked me, "Can you deliver it filled with water?"

Stunned, I replied, "Are you kidding? It would weigh over twelve hundred pounds!"

After a short pause, she said, "Could you do it if I helped you carry it in?"