ΑΝΕΚΔΟΤΑ 9/12/2012

Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by:

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Child Rearing FAQ Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough. Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college. Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu? A: If it's the flu, you'll get better. Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving? A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant. Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A: Childbirth. Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why? A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are. Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A: So what's your question? Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model? A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him). Print | Comment | Tweet It | Facebook It

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More Child rearing FAQ Q: How long is the average woman in labor? A: Whatever she says divided by two. Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current. Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? A: Right after you find out you're pregnant. Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you. Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A: Yes, pregnancy. Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids? A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for. Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth? A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse. Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing? A: When you see teeth marks. Q: Do I have to have a baby shower? A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly. Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A: When the kids are in college. Print | Comment | Tweet It | Facebook It

Catholic School Math A ten year old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school. After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card. The boy walked in with his report card - unopened - laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the subject of MATH. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress. "Was it the nuns that did it?", the father asked. The boy only shook his head and said, "No." "Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?" "No." "The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?" "Nope," said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy they nailed to the 'plus sign,' I just knew they meant business!" Print | Comment | Tweet It | Facebook It

Saving a Marriage After years of hiding the fact that the love is gone, Mom and Dad announced to their grown children that they're getting a divorce. The kids were totally distraught and, as a stab at keeping their parents together, arranged a series of sessions for the whole family with a world-famous marriage counselor. The counselor worked for hours, tried all of his methods and tricks, but the parents wouldn't even talk to each other. Finally, he walked over to a closet, brought out an oboe, and began to play. After a minute or so, the parents started talking and, as the counselor continued soloing on the oboe, the couple discovered they're not that far apart and decided to give their marriage another try. The children were amazed and asked the counselor how he managed to do it. He replied, "Simple. I've never seen a couple that wouldn't talk through an oboe solo."