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The Birth Order, Part I
Your Clothes:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy. 2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible. 3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes. Preparing for the Birth: 1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously. 2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing. 3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month. The Layette: 1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau. 2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains. 3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they? Worries: 1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby. 2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn. 3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing. Pacifier: 1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it. 2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle. 3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in. Diapering: 1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not. 2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed. 3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees. Activities: 1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour. 2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics. 3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner. Going Out: 1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times. 2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached. 3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood. At Home: 1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby. 2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby. 3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children. Swallowing Coins: 1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays. 2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass. 3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!! GRANDCHILDREN: ...God's reward for allowing your children to live. |
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The Birth Order, Part II
Diapering:
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not. 2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed. 3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees. Activities: 1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour. 2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics. 3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner. Going Out: 1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times. 2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached. 3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood. At Home: 1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby. 2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby. 3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children. Swallowing Coins: 1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays. 2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass. 3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!! GRANDCHILDREN: ...God's reward for allowing your children to live. |
Breakfast
The first morning after the honeymoon, the husband got up early, went down to the kitchen, and brought his wife her breakfast in bed. Naturally, she was delighted.
Then he spoke: "Have you noticed just what I have done?" "Of course, dear. Every single detail!" "Good. That's how I want my breakfast served every morning." |
Life as a Bear
In my next life -- I Want to be a Bear...
If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that. Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too. If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that. If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them, too. I could deal with that. If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat. Yup..... I wanna be a bear. |
Προσωπικο ημερολόγιο μαζί με διάφορες σκέψεις
Τετάρτη 12 Δεκεμβρίου 2012
ΑΝΕΚΔΟΤΑ 26/11/2012
ΒΡΑΣΥΝΑ ΑΝΕΚΔΟΤΑ 26/12/2012
Late Night Funny #1
Last night we had a rough audience, very unpleasant. And then halfway through the show they voted to secede.
David Letterman |
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Late Night Funny #2
Colorado and Washington just legalized marijuana. If Hostess can’t figure out a way to make money off of that, then maybe they shouldn’t be in the snack cake industry. I guess I’ll just have to take my business to Little Debbie.
Jimmy Kimmel |
Late Night Funny #3 |
Late Night Funny #4
During his final speech on the House floor yesterday, Congressman Ron Paul said the Constitution has failed. Which must be a bummer because he’s actually one of the guys who signed it.
Jimmy Fallon |
ΑΝΕΚΔΟΤΑ 26/11/2012
The Greatest Benefits of Being Over 40
- Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
- People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?" - People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. - There is nothing left to learn the hard way. - You can eat dinner at 4 P.M. - You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations. - You get into heated arguments about pension plans. - You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. - You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. - You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. - You sing along with elevator music. - Your eyes won't get much worse. - Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. - You can't remember who sent you this list. |
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Necessary Information for the 40-and-older crowd
- If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
- Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. - Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. - If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. - Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. - For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. - If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. - Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. - Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. - Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. - Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it. - There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. - Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. - Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world. - It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat. |
Father is a lawyer...
While in Atlanta on vacation, Little Johnny's Daddy took one afternoon to see historic sites downtown.
Two young families were also in line to the see the sites. Little Johnny struck up a conversation with one of the boys in line. "My name is Tommy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Johnny". "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Pop do for a living?" asked Tommy. Little Johnny replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Tommy. Johnny replied, "No, just the regular kind." |
Signs Found In Kitchens
1. Kitchen closed - - this chick has had it!
2. Martha Stewart doesn't live here! 3. I'm creative; you can't expect me to be neat too! 4. So this isn't Home Sweet Home... Adjust! 5. Ring Bell for Maid Service...If no answer do it yourself! 6. I clean house every other day.... Today is the other day! 7. If you write in the dust, please don't date it! 8. I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener! 9. My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it! 10. A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life. 11. COOK CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! 12. I came, I saw, I decided to order take out. 13. If you don't like my standards of cooking...lower your standards. 14. You may touch the dust in this house...but please don't write in it! 15. Apology...Although you'll find our house a mess, come in, sit down, converse. It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even worse. 16. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious. 17. If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap. 18. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. 19. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. 20. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. 21. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life. 22. Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out. 23. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives. ...and the best one of them all... 24. My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines. |
ΒΡΑΔΥΝΑ ΑΝΕΚΔΟΤΑ 11/12/2012
Late Night Funny #1
Today in Washington, President Obama met with leaders of the American Indian tribes and they honored the president by giving him his own Indian name: ‘Running Deficit’.
Jay Leno |
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Late Night Funny #2
A new book coming out reveals that Florida Sen. Marco Rubio was born a Catholic, became a Mormon, then returned to the Catholic church, then became a Baptist, then again returned to the Catholic church. And I think he’s at it again because he’s now asking people to call him Marco Rubinstein.
Conan O'Brien |
Late Night Funny #3
The CEO of The Cheesecake Factory is now warning that Obamacare will be very costly. Hey, The Cheesecake Factory is one of the reasons we need Obamacare in the first place.
Jay Leno |
Late Night Funny #4
McDonald’s just announced that it’s bringing back the McRib later this month. Or, as the Mayans put it, ‘Hey, we tried to warn you.’
Jimmy Fallon |
Σάββατο 8 Δεκεμβρίου 2012
ΠΕΡΙ ΤΕΛΟΥΣ ΤΟΥ ΧΡΙΣΤΙΑΝΙΣΜΟΥ
Συγνώμη αγαπητέ Γιώργο αλλά αυτό ειναι άποψη σου...ας μου επιτρέψεις να πιστεύω ότι ο Χριστιανισμός ΔΕΝ τελιεώσε..Εξάλλου η αρχαιά Ελληνική θρησκείά είχε ουσιαστικά εξαφανιστει΄όταν ο Χριστιανισμός αρχισε να αποκτά οπαδούς τον 3ο μ..Χ. αιώνα ΄μ.Χ. στην Αθήνα δεν έκτιζαν ναούς στον Διά και στην Αθήνα αλλά σε 'ελληνικές" θεότητες όπως την Ίσιδα,΄(Άιγυπτος), Μιθρα (Περσία) και την "Θεά Ρώμη και το Πνεύμα των Αυγουστών"(Ρώμη) Ηδη τον προηγουμένο αιώνα ο Ανδριανός σύμφωνα με τον Ιντρο Μοντανέλι είχε εκτελέσει ενα κορυφαίο αρχιτέκτονα επειδή΄όταν τον διέταξε να κτισεί εναν ναό αυτός αρνηθήκε και άρχισε να περιπαιζει τους "παραδοσιακους" θεούς (δεν ΄ήταν χριστιάνος και το πιο πιθανόν να ήταν άθεος ενω ο Ανδριάνος ως αυτοκράτορας ήταν ταυτόχρονα και "μέγιστος αρχιέρεας" (pontifex maximus) των Ρωμαιων) Αρα το δωδεκαθέο δεν χρειαζόταν την 'βοηθεία" του Χριστιανισμού για να πεθάνει επειδή είχε ήδη πεθάνει απο μόνο του καιθώς μια Θρησκεία δεν ζεί όταν δεν έχει πραγματικούς πιστούς Και οπώς έχει γράψει ο προαναφερούμενος συγραφέας δεν υπάρει να υπάρξει πιο καταδικάσμενη σε αποτυχίσ ενέργεια απο την προσπάθεια για παλινορθώση ενος προγουμένου καθεστώτος /κατάστασης/ θρησκειίας.Επιπλεόν συμφωνα με τους ιστορικούς ο "ελληνισμος" του Ιουλιανού του λεγομένου "απόστατη¨" πέρα από ότι ποτέ δεν απόκτησε ένα ολοκληρώμενο δόγμα είχε ενσωματώσει στο τελετουυργικό του πολλα ΜΗ ελληνικά (μιθράικα) στοίχεια.Πάντως ειλικρινά θα ηθέλα να ξέρω τι ακριβώς είμαστε εγώ και η Αγγελική αν όχι έλληνες καθώς θα ήθελα να πιστευω οτί αυτη και πιθανόν και εγώ είμαστε χριστιανοί, Παντώς εγώ κσι η Αγγελική΄δεν έχουμε αμφισβητή΄σει πότε την ελληνικότητα τη δική΄σου κσι του Πτολεμαίου αρά θαρρω΄ότι έχουμε το δικαιώμα να μην αμφισβητήσει κάποιος άλλος την δική μας,,,Παντως ενημερωτικά ηδη 3 φορές τα τελευταία 300 χρόνια έχει αναγκελθεί το ¨"τέλος του Χριστιανισμού" αλλά ακόμα υπάρχει ,,,,
Πέμπτη 6 Δεκεμβρίου 2012
Ένα Σχόλιο to “Περί Προφητειών. Η Ορθοδοξία δεν έχει ανάγκη από “θαυματοποιούς” και θαύματα για να πείσει…”
Ένα Σχόλιο to “Περί Προφητειών. Η Ορθοδοξία δεν έχει ανάγκη από “θαυματοποιούς” και θαύματα για να πείσει…”
Τετάρτη 5 Δεκεμβρίου 2012
ΒΡΑΔΥΝΑ ΑΝΕΚΔΟΤΑ 4/12/2012
Late Night Funny #1
The man who got the Mitt Romney face tattoo is having it removed because he said 'Romney has no dignity.' Once you get a face tattoo, you're no longer allowed to talk about dignity.
Late Night Funny #2
Rupert Murdoch is the guy whose tabloids hacked into people's phones in England. He's back in hot water today. The British parliamentary commission delivered its findings. The report assessed the standards and ethics of the British tabloids. Spoiler alert: They don't have any.
Craig Ferguson |
Late Night Funny #3
Over Thanksgiving Joe Biden was in a cold-turkey ocean plunge fundraiser. The water was so cold that when he came out, he was talking coherently.
Jay Leno |
Late Night Funny #4
New York City policeman has become world-famous now for a viral pic of him giving a pair of boots to a homeless man. Then Nicolas Cage said, 'Thanks for the shoes.'
Conan O'Brien |
Τρίτη 4 Δεκεμβρίου 2012
ΑΝΕΚΔΟΤΑ 4/12/2012
The Big Question
Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $64,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the Emcee that he desired a question on American History.
The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the best guest this show had ever seen. The Emcee stepped up to the mike.
"Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $64,000 dollars richer. Are you ready?"
Bob nodded with a cocky confidence - the crowd went nuts. He hadn't missed a question all week.
"Bob, your question on American History is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?"
Bob was now becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn't believe it, but he was drawing a blank. American History was his easiest subject, but he played it safe.
"I'll try the second part first."
The Emcee nodded approvingly. "Here we go Bob. I will ask you the second half first, then the first half."
The audience silenced with gross anticipation...
"B
The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the best guest this show had ever seen. The Emcee stepped up to the mike.
"Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $64,000 dollars richer. Are you ready?"
Bob nodded with a cocky confidence - the crowd went nuts. He hadn't missed a question all week.
"Bob, your question on American History is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?"
Bob was now becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn't believe it, but he was drawing a blank. American History was his easiest subject, but he played it safe.
"I'll try the second part first."
The Emcee nodded approvingly. "Here we go Bob. I will ask you the second half first, then the first half."
The audience silenced with gross anticipation...
"B
A Noise...
My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.
She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!" "What's the matter?" I asked. "There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna casserole I made tonight." "That'll teach them!" I replied. |
Funny One Liners
Reginald Knowles, Britain's worst goalkeeper, failed to end his life today. He threw himself in front of a bus and missed.
What do you get if you cross a kangeroo and a sheep? A wooly jumper. What do you get if you cross a waitress with a chicken? A hen that lays tables. The landlady asked me if I minded making my own bed. I said I didn't and she said great there's a hammer and nails in the corner. |
Man and Wife
A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
"OK," says his wife as she gets up and unplugs the TV. |
ob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen??"
ΒΡΑΔΥΝΑ ΑΝΕΚΔΟΤΑ 3/12/2012
Late Night Funny #1
Top Ten Fun Facts About Thanksgiving
10. Buckle on pilgrim hat symbolized era when pants were worn on head
9. When Thanksgiving aficionado Ernest Borgnine died, his family had him stuffed turkey-style
8. The Native American word for "gravy" translates literally as "meat goo"
7. 37% of turkeys eat human on Thanksgiving
6. After Thanksgiving, the busiest travel day is Elvis Presley's birthday
5. Plymouth Rock had a secret compartment where the pilgrims hid their house keys
4. The 2nd Thanksgiving was held at a Shoney's in Chester, Virginia
3. 85% of Thanksgiving dinners end in a fistfight
2. This year's Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade on NBC is a rerun
1
10. Buckle on pilgrim hat symbolized era when pants were worn on head
9. When Thanksgiving aficionado Ernest Borgnine died, his family had him stuffed turkey-style
8. The Native American word for "gravy" translates literally as "meat goo"
7. 37% of turkeys eat human on Thanksgiving
6. After Thanksgiving, the busiest travel day is Elvis Presley's birthday
5. Plymouth Rock had a secret compartment where the pilgrims hid their house keys
4. The 2nd Thanksgiving was held at a Shoney's in Chester, Virginia
3. 85% of Thanksgiving dinners end in a fistfight
2. This year's Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade on NBC is a rerun
1
Late Night Funny #2
I love this. Have you heard about these topless photos that are surfacing of Kate Middleton? It's now reported that there are 200 topless pictures of her. Two hundred! How long have they been together? I don't think Prince William has seen Kate topless 200 times. How does that happen?
Jay Leno |
Late Night Funny #3
Israel’s Iron Dome defense is intercepting 90% of Hamas’ missiles. Usually to see that many interceptions you have to watch Tony Romo play.
Jay Leno |
Late Night Funny #4
I don’t care that they were screwing, but I do sort of care that the CIA director can’t keep a secret. Apparently when he said the surge is working, he didn’t even know his phone was on.
Bill Maher |
. No matter how awkward your family's holiday, things will be worse at the Petraeus house
Δευτέρα 3 Δεκεμβρίου 2012
ΑΝΕΚΔΟΤΑ 25/11/2012
Hospital Sign
A hospital posted a notice in the nurses' mess saying:
"Remember, the first five minutes of a human being's life are the most dangerous."
Underneath, a nurse had written:
"The last five are pretty risky, too."
"Remember, the first five minutes of a human being's life are the most dangerous."
Underneath, a nurse had written:
"The last five are pretty risky, too."
A River...
In Washington State, a little north of Seattle, is a river called the Stillaguamish, but it wasn't always called that. It was originally named "Aguamish" after a local Indian tribe.
When Lewis & Clark finally made their way to the west coast they came to the Aguamish tribe and met the chief who told them what the name of the river was and gave them a tour of the area. Years later Merriweather Lewis returned and met the Aguamish chief again and the subject finally came around to the river: "Chief, I've been told that, because of so many white men have arrived in the area, many of the rivers are being renamed because they couldn't pronounce the names. Tell me, what is the name of your river now, please, " Lewis pleaded. "Oh," replied the chief. "It's Stillaguamish." -- By Subscriber Loney Burton |
Digits...
One caller to our answering service gave me his name, number and message and then said, "You know my name. What's yours?"
"We're not allowed to give our names," I replied, "but my operator number is 4136" Sounding disappointed, he said, "May I call you by your first digit, or would that be too personal?"
Bubba and Billy Bob
While Bubba and Billy Bob were in the local Wal-Mart, they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle.
They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Billy Bob won 1st place; a years supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize; a toilet brush. About a week or so had passed when the men met back at Wal-Mart. Bubba asked Billy Bob how he liked his prize, to which Billy Bob replied, "Great!, I love spaghetti!" Billy Bob asked Bubba, "How 'bout you, how's the toilet brush? "Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper." |
The Worst Hard Time: The Untold Story of Those Who Survived the Great American Dust Bowl
By Timothy Egan
Publisher Mariner Books
ISBN 9780618773473
Published in from audible.com
Book Description
Egan captures the very voice of the time, its grit, pathos, and abiding heroism, as only great history can. Combining the human drama of Isaac's Storm with the sweep of The American People in the Great Depression, The Worst Hard Time is a lasting and important work of American history.
Κυριακή 2 Δεκεμβρίου 2012
ΠΕΡΙ ΑΣΤΥΝΟΜΩΝ ΚΑΙ ΑΝΘΡΩΠΙΣΜΟΥ
-
Γιώργος, φοιτητής Γεωπονίας, Θεσσαλονίκη είπε...
- Αν Θες να δεις τον πραγματικό χαρακτήρα ενός ανθρώπου δώσε του εξουσία.
Η εξουσία σε οποιαδήποτε μικρή ή μεγάλη θέση μέσα στο κοινωνικό σύνολο πρέπει να ασκείται με βασικό κριτήριο τη δικαιοσύνη. Αυστηρά μεν αλλά πάνω απ' όλα δίκαια.
Αυτή η εικόνα δεν είναι δικαιοσύνη.
Μπορεί κάποιος να πει
"Οι διαταγές".
ΑΝΕΚΔΟΤΑ 2/12/2012
Careful What You Wish For
Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said "I'm sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren't ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be."
"Great!" said the first guy, "I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!"
"No problem," replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone. "And what do you want to be," St. Peter asked the other guy.
"I'd like to be one cool stud!" was the reply.
"Easy," replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone.
After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back. "You'll find them easily," he says, "One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!"
"Great!" said the first guy, "I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!"
"No problem," replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone. "And what do you want to be," St. Peter asked the other guy.
"I'd like to be one cool stud!" was the reply.
"Easy," replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone.
After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back. "You'll find them easily," he says, "One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!"
Twenty-First Century Marriage Proposals
A recent survey done by marriage experts shows that the most common form of marriage proposal these days consists of the words: "You're what?!?"
|
Vultures Are Flying
As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.
When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked. "No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion." |
A Pleased Psychic
I am not a believer in seances, but I went to one just to see what they are like. The psychic was doing his thing and grinning from ear to ear. I assumed his merriment was due to the fact that he was fooling a gullible public and gave him a poke in the nose. You can probably guess the rest.
I was arrested for striking a happy medium. |
Aς ευθυμίσουμε..
Είναι ο διοικητής του στρατοπέδου και φωνάζει τον Κωστίκα που είναι φαντάρος και του λέει:
- Κωστίκα. Αύριο το πρωί περιμένω τον Μεϊμαράκη. Να είσαι στην πύλη από τα ξημερώματα και να με ειδοποιήσεις όταν φτάσει.
Το πρωί, πράγματι, ο Kωστίκας είναι στην πύλη από τις 6.
Κατά τις 6.30 παίρνει τηλεφωνο στη πύλη ο διοικητής
- Κωστίκα έφτασε ο Μεϊμαράκης;
- Όχι κύριε διοικητά, δεν έχει έρθει
Στις 7 παρά τέταρτο πάλι τα ίδια…
- Εφτασε ο Μειμαράκης;
- Όχι ακόμα κύριε διοικητά…
Ο διοικητής πήρε ξανά στις 7, στις 7.15, στις 7.30… Συνεχώς ως τις 9.
Κατά τις 9 και κάτι, φτάνει μια μαύρη Mercedes στην πύλη.
Ο Κωστίκας κάνει νόημα να κατεβάσουν το φιμέ τζάμι.
- Μεϊμαράκη εσύ είσαι;
- Ναι, λέει ο Μεϊμαράκης
- Μ@λά@α τρέχα παρουσιάσου στο διοικητή γιατί θα σε πηδ… σε ψάχνει από τα ξημερώματα….!
Killing Kennedy: The End of Camelot
Killing Kennedy: The End of Camelot
By Bill O'ReillyPublisher Henry Holt and Co.ISBN 9780805096668
Published in
Are you an AUTHOR? Click here to include your books on BookDaily.com
Σάββατο 1 Δεκεμβρίου 2012
ΑΝΕΚΔΟΤΑ 1/12/2012
True Believers
The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.
One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.
The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"
Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.
After a few moments, there were about twenty people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.
The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."
One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.
The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"
Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.
After a few moments, there were about twenty people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.
The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."
New to Baseball
Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. "So, how did you do son?" he asked.
"You'll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was responsible for the winning run!" "Really? How'd you do that?" "I dropped the ball." |
Taxing Flag
A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."
"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too." |
Three's a Crowd
The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."
Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes. He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us." |
Άπαιχτα! Έτσι, για καλημέρα!
Αναρτήθηκε από τον/την olympiada στο Δεκεμβρίου 1, 2012
Φήμες λένε ότι κάποιος κατάφερε να λύσει κόμπο από σακούλα ντελιβερά.
Αν αγαπάς κάποιον, άσ’ τον να φύγει…
Αν δεν γυρίσει, πάρε σκύλο…
Αυτοί γυρνάνε πάντα!
Έξω στο μπαλκόνι να ανεμίζει ελληνική σημαία &
μέσα στο σαλόνι να παίζει Σουλειμάν ο μεγαλοπρεπής…
Αυτοί οι γείτονες κάτι κάνουν λάθος…
Φήμες λένε ότι υπάρχει άνθρωπος που δεν πάτησε “αναβολή αφύπνισης” όταν χτύπησε το
ξυπνητήρι του κινητού του.
Φήμες λένε πως υπάρχει άνθρωπος που έφαγε πεντακάθαρη Halls χωρίς κολλημένο ούτε ένα χαρτακι απ΄τη συσκευασία της..
Αν το στριμώχναμε λίγο, χωρούσε άλλη μια μέρα μεταξύ Κυριακής και Δευτέρας..
Ζητειται γκομενα ψυχοπαθης,να μην χαλασω το σερι.
3,10 το κουτάκι η μπύρα στο περίπτερο..λογικά θα βγάλει και μεζέ.
Όταν ήμουν μικρος δεν με ένοιαζε τι θα φορέσω, κοιτάζοντας παλιές φωτογραφίες κατάλαβα πως ούτε την μάνα μου την ένοιαζε.
Ήρθε και ο λογαριασμός της ΔΕΗ. Λογικά ο ανεμιστήρας που είχα ανοιχτό όλο το καλοκαίρι,ήταν από Boeing 747.Δεν εξηγείται αλλιώς…
Μετα απο δύο μήνες έβαλα 50 ευρώ βενζίνη στο αυτοκίνητο και μετα δεν έπαιρνε μπρος. Μάλλον έπαθε εγκεφαλικό απο την συγκίνηση…
Σβήσε το Facebook και αν θυμηθεί κανείς άλλος εκτός από τη μάνα σου τα γενέθλια σου,θα κάτσω να με χέσεις…
Eύχομαι στις Σοφίες, πίστη, ελπίδα και αγάπη, στις Ελπίδες, σοφία, πίστη και αγάπη, στις Αγάπες, σοφία, πίστη κι ελπίδα και στις Πίστες, πολλά γαρύφαλλα!!
Ο κόκορας του γείτονα μπήκε στην αυλή μου…
Ας είναι ελαφρύ το μακαρόνι που θα τον σκεπάσει…
Πάω στο ΙΚΕΑ σήμερα και τους ζητάω ένα ποτήρι νερό.Μου δίνουν δύο άτομα υδρογόνου και ένα άτομο οξυγόνου και μου λένε φτιάξτο μόνος σου.
Έριξα μια σταγόνα fairy στην κοιλιά μου αλλά τίποτα, δεν αφαίρεσε τα λίπη μου. Απατεώνες…
Όλα χαλάνε…Άνθρωποι,κοινωνία,σχέσεις,φραπεδιέρα. Ειδικά με την φραπεδιέρα ξενέρωσα πολύ,δεν το περίμενα..
-Γιε μου που πας;;
-Μάνα θα πάω να σφάξω ένα δράκο.
-το μπουφάν σου πάρε.
-Αμάν ρε μάνα!!! Αμάν!!!
Αη Γιώργης, 282μ.Χ.
Tο έχετε καταλάβει ότι στο μέλλον θα υπάρχουν παντού γιαγιάδες και παππούδες με τατουάζ;
-Ακόμα κ η θρησκεία το λέει,ότι για μια γυναίκα αξίζει να καταστραφείς…
-Η θρησκεία; Aντε ρε πού το λέει;;;
-Στο κάτω κάτω της Γραφής….
Στάδια γυναικείας τριχοφυίας:
1) Φρεσκοξυρισμένη
2) Τριών ημερών
3) Τις αφήνω για αποτρίχωση
4) Δεν έχω γκόμενο και είναι χειμώνας
5) ΚΚΕ
Ο σωστος ελληνας εχει κινητο που κανει 600 ευρω αλλα κανει αναπαντητες γιατι δεν εχει λεφτα για καρτα!
10 xρονών και έχουνiPhone , laptop , facebook.Eγώ όταν ήμουν 10,
ένιωθα cool επειδή πήρα καινούριους μαρκαδόρους.
Αν αγαπάς κάποιον, άσ’ τον να φύγει…
Αν δεν γυρίσει, πάρε σκύλο…
Αυτοί γυρνάνε πάντα!
Έξω στο μπαλκόνι να ανεμίζει ελληνική σημαία &
μέσα στο σαλόνι να παίζει Σουλειμάν ο μεγαλοπρεπής…
Αυτοί οι γείτονες κάτι κάνουν λάθος…
Φήμες λένε ότι υπάρχει άνθρωπος που δεν πάτησε “αναβολή αφύπνισης” όταν χτύπησε το
ξυπνητήρι του κινητού του.
Φήμες λένε πως υπάρχει άνθρωπος που έφαγε πεντακάθαρη Halls χωρίς κολλημένο ούτε ένα χαρτακι απ΄τη συσκευασία της..
Αν το στριμώχναμε λίγο, χωρούσε άλλη μια μέρα μεταξύ Κυριακής και Δευτέρας..
Ζητειται γκομενα ψυχοπαθης,να μην χαλασω το σερι.
3,10 το κουτάκι η μπύρα στο περίπτερο..λογικά θα βγάλει και μεζέ.
Όταν ήμουν μικρος δεν με ένοιαζε τι θα φορέσω, κοιτάζοντας παλιές φωτογραφίες κατάλαβα πως ούτε την μάνα μου την ένοιαζε.
Ήρθε και ο λογαριασμός της ΔΕΗ. Λογικά ο ανεμιστήρας που είχα ανοιχτό όλο το καλοκαίρι,ήταν από Boeing 747.Δεν εξηγείται αλλιώς…
Μετα απο δύο μήνες έβαλα 50 ευρώ βενζίνη στο αυτοκίνητο και μετα δεν έπαιρνε μπρος. Μάλλον έπαθε εγκεφαλικό απο την συγκίνηση…
Σβήσε το Facebook και αν θυμηθεί κανείς άλλος εκτός από τη μάνα σου τα γενέθλια σου,θα κάτσω να με χέσεις…
Eύχομαι στις Σοφίες, πίστη, ελπίδα και αγάπη, στις Ελπίδες, σοφία, πίστη και αγάπη, στις Αγάπες, σοφία, πίστη κι ελπίδα και στις Πίστες, πολλά γαρύφαλλα!!
Ο κόκορας του γείτονα μπήκε στην αυλή μου…
Ας είναι ελαφρύ το μακαρόνι που θα τον σκεπάσει…
Πάω στο ΙΚΕΑ σήμερα και τους ζητάω ένα ποτήρι νερό.Μου δίνουν δύο άτομα υδρογόνου και ένα άτομο οξυγόνου και μου λένε φτιάξτο μόνος σου.
Έριξα μια σταγόνα fairy στην κοιλιά μου αλλά τίποτα, δεν αφαίρεσε τα λίπη μου. Απατεώνες…
Όλα χαλάνε…Άνθρωποι,κοινωνία,σχέσεις,φραπεδιέρα. Ειδικά με την φραπεδιέρα ξενέρωσα πολύ,δεν το περίμενα..
-Γιε μου που πας;;
-Μάνα θα πάω να σφάξω ένα δράκο.
-το μπουφάν σου πάρε.
-Αμάν ρε μάνα!!! Αμάν!!!
Αη Γιώργης, 282μ.Χ.
Tο έχετε καταλάβει ότι στο μέλλον θα υπάρχουν παντού γιαγιάδες και παππούδες με τατουάζ;
-Ακόμα κ η θρησκεία το λέει,ότι για μια γυναίκα αξίζει να καταστραφείς…
-Η θρησκεία; Aντε ρε πού το λέει;;;
-Στο κάτω κάτω της Γραφής….
Στάδια γυναικείας τριχοφυίας:
1) Φρεσκοξυρισμένη
2) Τριών ημερών
3) Τις αφήνω για αποτρίχωση
4) Δεν έχω γκόμενο και είναι χειμώνας
5) ΚΚΕ
Ο σωστος ελληνας εχει κινητο που κανει 600 ευρω αλλα κανει αναπαντητες γιατι δεν εχει λεφτα για καρτα!
10 xρονών και έχουν
ένιωθα cool επειδή πήρα καινούριους μαρκαδόρους.
Εγγραφή σε:
Αναρτήσεις (Atom)
ΙΩΑΝΝΗΣ είπε
2. Οι μετέπειτα “προφητείες” είναι στην πραγματικότητα προρρήσεις.
3.Οι προρρήσεις προειδοποιούν τον κόσμο για γεγονότα με την λογική όμως ότι αν μετανοήσουν τότε οι προρρήσεις για άσχημα γεγονότα δεν θα πραγματοποιηθούν. Και αυτό επειδή οι προρρήσεις προειδοποιούν για το που θα καταλήξουν οι καταστάσεις λόγω της αμαρτίας και της αποστασίας των ανθρώπων και όχι λόγω κάποιου σχεδίου του Θεού. Αυτό φυσικά ισχύει λόγω του Αυτεξούσιου
4.Η μετάνοια αλλάζει το σχέδιο του Θεού ( σύμφωνα με τους Αγίους μας)
5. Ο ίδιος ο Χριστός μας είπε ” Μην ανησυχείτε για το αύριο γιατί ήδη το σήμερα έχει αρκετά προβλήματα”
6.Όσοι στηρίζουν τη ζωή τους γύρω από προρρήσεις ΕΙΝΑΙ ΒΛΑΜΜΕΝΟΙ επειδή:
α. Κανένας δεν ξέρει πότε θα πραγματοποιηθούν
β. Η ζωή δεν είναι η προσμονή για κάτι που πιθανόν να συμβεί αλλά το “τώρα”.
γ. Αν κάποιος πεθάνει τότε αυτομάτως έχει γίνει και “Κρίση και Δευτέρα Παρουσία” για αυτόν.
7. Υπάρχουν ΠΟΛΛΟΙ ΑΝΙΣΣΟΡΡΟΠΟΙ τα τελευταία τουλάχιστον 10 χρόνια που διαδίδουν φήμες για πολέμους πείνες σεισμούς λοιμούς και καταποντισμούς. ΑΥΤΟΙ ΔΕΝ ΕΙΝΑΙ ΧΡΙΣΤΙΑΝΟΙ ΚΑΙ ΚΑΤΑ ΤΟΝ ΓΕΡΟΝΤΑ ΠΑΙΣΙΟ ΕΙΝΑΙ ΟΙ ΧΕΙΡΟΤΕΡΟΙ ΕΧΘΡΟΙ ΤΩΝ ΕΛΛΗΝΩΝ ( αυτολεξεί). Γιατί αντί να δίνουν ΕΙΡΗΝΗ και ΑΓΑΠΗ που είναι η ίδια η Ορθοδοξία πανικοβάλλουν τον κόσμο. Παράδειγμα : Iερέας περυσι τον Μάιο ζητούσε από γονείς να μη στείλουν στα φροντιστήρια τα παιδιά τους και τα χρήματα να πάρουν τρόφιμα επειδή θα ξεκινούσε παγκόσμιος πόλεμος τον Ιούνιο ΠΟΥ ΜΑΣ ΠΕΡΑΣΕ. Σκεφτείτε αν έστω και ένας πατέρας ή μάνα στέρησε στο παιδί του τη δυνατότητα να σπουδάσει ΕΞΑΙΤΙΑΣ ΕΝΟΣ ΤΡΟΜΟΛΑΓΝΟΥ ΠΛΑΝΕΜΕΝΟΥ.
Το χειρότερο πάντως είναι ότι υπάρχουν πολλοί θρησκόληπτοι που ακόμα και τώρα πιστεύουν ότι ο Θεός είναι τρομοκράτης και με αυτόν τον τρόπο και ζούνε φοβούμενοι καθημερινώς για τα πάνδεινα αλλά πλανεύοντας και άλλους να τους πιστέψουν.
Όσοι δίνουν ημερομηνίες είναι πλάνοι. Όσοι δίνουν τρόμο , φόβο και πανικό δεν είναι Χριστιανοί Ορθόδοξοι. Είναι θρησκόληπτοι . βλαμμένοι και σίγουρα με πολύ χάλια ντύσιμο και χτένισμα σαν κάτι κυράτσες που έχουν κάνει την Ορθοδοξία στο μυαλό τους “ντέφι στα πανηγύρια”….