Late Night Funny #1
Gay groups are apparently angry at former President Clinton because he hasn't come out in favor of gay marriage. Clinton said he'd be willing to have two lesbians come by and try to convince him.
Conan O'Brien |
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Late Night Funny #2
A new survey found that 'Sophia' and 'Aiden' were the most popular baby names this year. The least popular baby name was Kim Jong Sandusky.
Jimmy Fallon |
Late Night Funny #3
Kate is said to be very nervous about giving birth. Giving birth to a baby wearing a crown is very hard.
Craig Ferguson |
Late Night Funny #4
It's a very proud night for myself and my family and my staff and my friends. I received a Kennedy Center Honor. And today the Republicans are trying to block it. With the Kennedy Center Honors, I am now 17th in line for president.
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Προσωπικο ημερολόγιο μαζί με διάφορες σκέψεις
Τετάρτη 12 Δεκεμβρίου 2012
ΒΡΑΔΥΝΑ ΑΝΕΚΔΟΤΑ 6/12/2012
ΑΝΕΚΔΟΤΑ 6/12/2012
How You Made Money
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. "I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. "The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37." "And that's how you built an empire?" the boy asked. "Heavens, no!" the man replied. "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars." |
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Feeding Fur
A father was playing with his daughter when the little one said: "Dad, I read in school that animals get a new fur coat every winter."
"Quiet!" retorted the father. "Your mother is in the next room!" |
Class Trip
A student on a class trip to the natural-history museum asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard tells him, "Three-million-four years and six months old." The student says. "How do you know that so precisely?" The guard says, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago." |
Co-Author
Teacher: Vincent, not to be presumptuous, but your short story is truly fantastic. Did you really write it?
Vincent: Yes, I wrote, while my mother dictated.. |
ΒΡΑΔΥΝΑ ΑΝΕΚΔΟΤΑ 5/12/2012
Late Night Funny #1
The Obamas have decorated the White House with 54 Christmas trees. It's all part of their 'For the last time, we're not Muslim' campaign.
Conan O'Brien |
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Late Night Funny #2
Today it was confirmed that Prince William and Kate Middleton are expecting their first baby. You can tell the baby’s a member of the royal family, because Kate said she can already feel it waving.
Jimmy Fallon |
Late Night Funny #3
rince William and his lovely bride are pregnant. Buckingham Palace announced Kate is pregnant. They've been married for a year and a half. That's like five marriages for a Kardashian.
Craig Ferguson |
Late Night Funny #4
I'm worried about the fiscal cliff in the same way I'm worried about Martians. Every now and then I look for them but I don't know what I'll do when I see them.
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ΑΝΕΚΔΟΤΑ 5/12/2012
Final Requests
A woman in Brooklyn decided to prepare her Will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered all over Bloomingdales.
"Why Bloomingdales?" asked the rabbi. "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week." |
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Seventeenth Chapter
A Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment for the next week.
"Next Sunday," she said, "we are going to talk about liars, and in preparation for our lesson I want you all to read the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark." The following week, at the beginning of the class meeting, the teacher said, "Now then, all of you who have prepared for the lesson by reading the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark, please step to the front of the room." About half the class rose and came forward. "The rest of you may leave," said the teacher, "these students are the ones I want to talk to. There is no Seventeenth Chapter in the Book of Mark." |
Upset is Unhealthy
The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly."
On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?" "Yes," the boy's mother answered. "And how is your son now?" the psychiatrist asked. "Who cares?" the mother replied. |
The Perfect Shot
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed, driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the heck is taking so long? Hit the darned ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Give me a break! You don't stand a snowball's chance of hitting her from here." |
ΑΝΕΚΔΟΤΑ 3/12/2012
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We Have New Babies
For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.
One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?" Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!" |
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After a Bad Accident
Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You've had an accident involving a train. Patient: What happened? Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first? Patient: Well... The bad news first... Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them. Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news? Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers. |
Too Much is Too Much
A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses... one for each year of her life.
That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning. As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet. The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him. |
Horse or Chicken?
A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town.
To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given. He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. "Who's the boss around here?" he asked. "I am." said the man. "I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?" The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one." "No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's wife said. "Here's your chicken." said the farmer. |
ΒΡΑΔΥΝΑ ΑΝΕΚΔΟΤΑ 30/11/2012
Late Night Funny #1
NASA says the Mars rover has made a major discovery. Scientists hope it found signs of life there. Americans are just hoping it found some Twinkies.
Jimmy Fallon |
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Late Night Funny #2
Israel’s Iron Dome defense is intercepting 90% of Hamas’ missiles. Usually to see that many interceptions you have to watch Tony Romo play.
Jay Leno |
Late Night Funny #3
France says the U.S. hacked its government computers. Cyberwar is new to them. France has never surrendered online before.
Jay Leno |
Late Night Funny #4
President Obama has wrapped up his four-day, three-country trip to Asia. And insiders say the last 96 hours were very productive. The president said he may have found a country in Asia that can make Twinkies for us.
Jay Leno |
ΑΝΕΚΔΟΤΑ 30/11/2012
You Know You're Over The Hill When...
1. You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.
2. You're sitting on a park bench and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs. 3. Lawn care has become a big highlight of your life. 4. You tune into the easy listening station...on purpose. 5. You discover that your measurements are now small, medium and large...In that order. 6. You light the candles on your birthday cake and a group of campers form a circle and start singing Cumbaya.. 7. You keep repeating yourself. 8. You start video taping daytime game shows. 9. At the airport, they ask to check your bags...and you're not carrying any luggage. 10. You wonder why you waited so long to take up macrame. 11. Your Insurance Company has started sending you their free calendar...a month at a time. 12. At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough. 13. Your new easy chair has more options than your car. 14. When you do the "Hokey Pokey" you put your left hip out...and it stays out. 15. One of the throw pillows on your bed is a hot water bottle. 16. Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments." 17. You keep repeating yourself. 18. It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump. 19. You discover the words, "whippersnapper," "scalawag" and "by-cracky" creeping into your vocabulary. 20. You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker. 21. You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..." 22. You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs. 23. You look both ways before crossing a room. 24. Your social security number only has three digits. 25. You keep repeating yourself. 26. You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity. 27. You go to a Garden Party and you're mainly interested in the garden. 28. You find your mouth making promises your body can't keep. 29. The waiter asks how you'd like your steak...and you say "pureed." 30. At parties you attend, "regularity" is considered the topic of choice. |
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Teenagers...
My husband grew increasingly displeased as our teenage daughter and her boyfriend studied in her room late one evening. Finally losing patience shortly after midnight, he knocked sharply on her door. Her boyfriend immediately opened it and asked if something was wrong.
"I have to ask you to move your car," my husband told him. "Oh, sure. Is it in someone's way?" "No," he replied, "it's parked at the wrong address." |
The Beauty of Sharing
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife.
The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50." The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat. She replied, "When he's done with my teeth!" |
Pigeons
But baby pigeon said, "I can't make it; I'll get too tired." His mother said, "Don't worry; I'll tie a piece of string to one of your legs and the other end to mine."
The baby started to cry. "What's wrong?" said the mother. "I don't want to be pigeon towed!" |
ΑΝΕΚΔΟΤΑ 29/11/2012
| Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by: |
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Late Night Funny #1
I don't care that they were screwing, but I do sort of care that the CIA director can't keep a secret. Apparently when he said the surge is working, he didn't even know his phone was on.
Bill Maher |
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Late Night Funny #2
The best part of this is the politics of it. Jill Kelly is a Republican. General Petraeus, that's the guy Republicans wanted to run for president. Paula Broadwell, they wanted to run her for Senate on the Republican side. This whole scandal happened because Jill Kelly was flirting with a super-partisan right-winger FBI agent, who took the emails to his Republican congressman, who took them to House Majority Leader Republican Eric Cantor. You know who I blame? Obama.
Bill Maher |
Late Night Funny #3
We're headed for a fiscal cliff and President Obama is in a tough spot. Because the Democrats did so well on Election Day, he's running out of Republicans he can blame this on.
Jay Leno |
Late Night Funny #4
France says the U.S. hacked its government computers. Cyberwar is new to them. France has never surrendered online before.
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ΑΝΕΚΔΟΤΑ; 28/12/2012
Local Psychic
A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"
The woman, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?" "Yes granddaughter, it's me." "It's really, really you, grandmother?", the woman repeats. "Yes, it's really me, granddaughter." The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?" "Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me." The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you." "Anything, my child." "Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?" |
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Candy, and more Candy
The day after Halloween, Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."
Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" Little Johnny answered, "No, he but he knew how to mind his own business!" |
Accountant
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me." "Excuse me?" the accountant said. "I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back." "I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?" "I'll start you at eighty thousand." "Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?" "That," the owner said, "is your first worry." |
Political Quotes
"I resent your insinuendoes."
"If we don't make some changes, the status quo will remain the same." "We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world." "I support efforts to limit the terms of members of Congress, especially members of the House and members of the Senate." -- Dan Quayle "If Lincoln were alive today, he'd roll over in his grave." "We do not have censorship. What we have is a limitation on what newspapers can report." "Candidly, I cannot answer that. The question is too suppository." "Outside of the killings in Washington DC, we have one of the lowest crime rates in the nation." -- Marion Berry "Let's jump off that bridge when we come to it." "To be demeanered like that is an exercise in fertility." "I deny the allegations, and I defy the allegators." "If somebody's gonna stab me in the back, I want to be there." "When you're talking to me, keep your mouth shut." "Let's do this in one foul swoop." "I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves in this session." "We'll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes that booger." "I would like to take this time to reirritate my remarks." "The average age of a 7 year old in this state is 13." "I hate to confuse myself with the facts." "We have a permanent plan for the time being." "Family planning has many misconceptions." "The people in my district do not want this highway bypass, no matter if it goes through or around the city." "My knowledge is no match for his ignorance." "As long as I am in the Senate, there will not be a nuclear suppository in our state." "These numbers are not my own; they are from someone who knows what he's talking about." "People planning on getting into serious accidents should have their seat belts on." "In 1994, Americans stand on the horns of an enema." |
ΑΝΕΚΔΟΤΑ 27/11/2012
| Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by: |
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Editor's Note: You receive Late Night Jokes because you are subscribed to the Jokes ezine. This PM edition is sent Monday through Friday.
Click here to stop receiving the evening edition. |
Late Night Funny #1
Two California Democratic delegates have already been kicked out for getting completely drunk. One passed out, the other was accused of impersonating a member of Congress. They knew he wasn't a real member of Congress because he was buying his own drinks with his money.
Jay Leno |
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Late Night Funny #2
If you're a donor to President Obama's campaign, you were promised exclusive access to Joe Biden -- and for an extra $10,000 absolutely no access to Joe Biden
Conan O'Brien |
Late Night Funny #3
But Paul, my man, be smart about this. You keep stretching the truth about things that anyone can look up on the internet .... check yourself before you wreck yourself.
Stephen Colbert |
Late Night Funny #4
Over the weekend, a chef in Minnesota created the world's largest bacon cheeseburger, weighing in at over 2,000 pounds. And if you want to hear what it tasted like, you'll just have to wait until I interview Chris Christie.
Jimmy Fallon |
ΑΝΕΚΔΟΤΑ 11/12/2912-A Woman's Random Thoughts
| Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by: |
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A Woman's Random Thoughts
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free... You either married it or gave birth to it. Insanity is my only means of relaxation. Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring. Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them. One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs. |
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More of A Woman's Random Thoughts
Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care. They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen witch... do it and die." The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day. If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck? |
Revenge of A Woman's Random Thoughts
My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes. The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today. Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness. I gave up jogging for my health... when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire. Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes! |
Thirteen Things PMS Stands For:
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift 3. Perpetual Munching Spree 4. Puffy Mid-Section 5. People Make me Sick 6. Provide Me with Sweets 7. Pardon My Sobbing 8. Pimples May Surface 9. Pass My Sweatpants 10. Pissy Mood Syndrome 11. Plainly; Men Suck 12. Pack My Stuff 13. Potential Murder Suspect |
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