Προσωπικο ημερολόγιο μαζί με διάφορες σκέψεις
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Reputation
Dear Abby,
I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth. One of my sisters lives in Pflugerville and is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters who are prostitutes in Dallas. I have two brothers, one is currently serving a non-parole life sentence for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Plano. She is a part time "working girl". All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiance and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her. Should I tell her about my cousin in Longview who is a (political party affiliation which reader hates)? Signed: Worried about my reputation. |
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Engine Failure
An airliner is flying accross country, when the pilot comes on the PA
to announce, "We have some bad news. One of the engines just failed
and as a result, we will be delayed by 30 minutes."
A bit later, the pilot returns, "We have some more bad news. Another engine just failed, and we will be delayed an additional hour." Another bit later, "Sorry folks, more bad news. A third engine just failed, and so, since we will be running only on the one remaining engine, the flight will be delayed by another two hours." At this point, a disgruntled passenger turns to his neighbor and says, "I sure hope that last engine keeps working or else we'll be up here all night!" |
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Paternity
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving
at him.
She says hello. He's rather taken back because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My gosh, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made whoopee with on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my behind with wet celery?" She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher." |
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An Italian Boy's Confession
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "'Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" "I cannot say." "Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?" "I'll never tell." "Was it Nina Capelli?" "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her." "Was it Cathy Piriano?" "My lips are sealed." "Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you." The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself." Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?" "Four months vacation and five good leads!" |
Ήταν ένα υπέροχο ταξίδι που κάναμε μαζί τα είκοσι τελευταία χρόνια στην ΕΡΤ3 από την εκπομπή «Ανιχνεύσεις». Νομίζω κάτι άφησε σ’ όλους μας, ακόμη και σε εκείνους που δεν μας συμπαθούσαν: Την εμπειρία της χαράς, του τραγικού, του απρόοπτου. Την προσπάθεια αναζήτησης του νέου, ερμηνείας των γεγονότων, ανακάλυψης καινούριων δρόμων. Ένα ταξίδι που, προσωπικά με […]
More New Stock Market Terms
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves. FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected. MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks. CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet. YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share. WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share. INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse. PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use. |
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How to Get a Raise
A maid asked the lady of the house for a pay increase.
Her boss was annoyed at this and asked, "Now Maria, why do you deserve a pay increase?" Maria: "Well, Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you." Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?" Maria: "Your husband said so." Wife: "Oh." Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?" Maria: "Your husband did." Wife: "Oh." Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you." Wife: (really furious now) "Did my husband say that as well?!" Maria: "No Senora, the gardener did." Wife: "So how much do you want?" |
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Groaners and Puns
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to
the other, "You stay here, I'll go on ahead."
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the Grass." A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet." A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium, at large. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. A backward poet writes in-verse. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. Don't join dangerous cults, practice safe sects! |
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Puns and Groaners
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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A Woman's Random Thoughts
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free... You either married it or gave birth to it. Insanity is my only means of relaxation. Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring. Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them. One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs. |
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More of A Woman's Random Thoughts
Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You
know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address,
my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat.
You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care. They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen witch... do it and die." The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day. If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck? |
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Revenge of A Woman's Random Thoughts
My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes. The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today. Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness. I gave up jogging for my health... when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire. Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes! |
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Going On The Wagon
I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife
that I had a drinking problem, and to empty the contents of each and
every bottle down the sink, or else. I said I would and proceeded with
the unpleasant task.
I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I'm not under the affluence of incohol as some thinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.
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