Ανέκδοτα, 21/06/2013

More New Stock Market Terms STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock. STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves. FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected. MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks. CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet. YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share. WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share. INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse. PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use. Print | Comment | Tweet It | Facebook It

Featured Ebook from BookDaily.com Mindy's Musings (Volume 1) Mindy Levy Everyone has a story. It’s true. Some are sad stories of hardship and tragedy, while others are full of laughter and joy. I’ve been transfixed by tales of travel to the farthest reaches of the globe, or daring adventures of skydiving, bungee jumps and scuba diving (nothing, by the way I would EVER try- these people are nuts. Who jumps out of a perfectly good airplane?) Mindy��... Read sample on BookDaily     or     Download on Amazon

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How to Get a Raise A maid asked the lady of the house for a pay increase. Her boss was annoyed at this and asked, "Now Maria, why do you deserve a pay increase?" Maria: "Well, Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you." Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?" Maria: "Your husband said so." Wife: "Oh." Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?" Maria: "Your husband did." Wife: "Oh." Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you." Wife: (really furious now) "Did my husband say that as well?!" Maria: "No Senora, the gardener did." Wife: "So how much do you want?" Print | Comment | Tweet It | Facebook It

Groaners and Puns Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here, I'll go on ahead." I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the Grass." A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet." A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium, at large. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. A backward poet writes in-verse. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. Don't join dangerous cults, practice safe sects! Print | Comment | Tweet It | Facebook It

Puns and Groaners The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Late Night Funny #1 President Obama's approval rating has dropped eight points over the past month, down to 45 percent, his lowest rating in more than a year and a half. But Obama is vowing to find out whose approval he's lost, track them down using their email and phone records, and personally win them back. Jay Leno Print | Comment | Tweet It | Facebook It Sponsor Congratulations! You've been selected to participate in My Exclusive Rewards' Choose a Gift promotion. Get an Apple(R) product, details apply. Choose between the revolutionary iPad(R) with powerful A6X chip, or the iPad mini(TM) with a vivid 7.9 inch display. To choose your gift, please follow this link. Late Night Funny #2 The latest search for Jimmy Hoffa has been called off. The FBI now says they called off the search because the NSA said it would be too difficult to find Jimmy Hoffa because he hasn't made a phone call since 1975. Jay Leno Print | Comment | Tweet It | Facebook It Late Night Funny #3 President Obama is in Berlin, Germany. It was 97 degrees in Berlin today. I haven't seen Obama sweat like that since, well, yesterday. And the day before that. All this week, in fact. Craig Ferguson Print | Comment | Tweet It | Facebook It Late Night Funny #4 A new survey found that 70 percent of Americans admit to 'going through the motions' at their jobs. And the other 30 percent blah, blah, blah, punch line.