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After four long months of cold and winter, we are finally coming up to
summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your
memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking, as it's the
only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is
some of danger involved.
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ, the following chain of events are
put into motion:
1) The woman buys the food.
2) The woman makes the salad,
prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
3) The woman
prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the
necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is
lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
Here comes the important part:
4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6)
The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He
thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with
the situation.
Important again:
7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins,
sauces and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman
clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And,
seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing
some women.
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| Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by:
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Have you folks been paying attention to what’s going on in
Washington? In a matter of six weeks we have three big scandals, and
it looks like President Obama and all his buddies in the White House
may go to prison. Finally, some good news for the Romney campaign.
David Letterman
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This whole IRS thing has become a huge story. They apparently were
targeting conservative groups like the tea party. You know it’s bad
when President Obama says, ‘Hey, why don’t we talk about
Benghazi?'
Jay Leno
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President Obama is not having a good week. With three scandals shaking
the White House, they’re saying this is one of the worst weeks of
Obama’s presidency. Obama was like, ‘How could things get
worse?’ And Joe Biden was like, ‘You rang?’
Jimmy Fallon
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“In a new interview, Joe Biden says he spends four or five hours
every day with President Obama. In response, Obama said ‘Hiring that
Obama impersonator was the best decision I’ve ever made’
Conan O'Brien
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Jesus and Satan were having an argument as to who was the better
programmer. This went on for a few hours until they agreed to hold a
contest with God as the judge. They sat at their computers and began.
They typed furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up on
the screen.
Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning struck,
taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power was restored, and
God announced that the contest was over. He asked Satan to show what
he had come up with. Satan was visibly upset, and cried, "I have
nothing! I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," God said, "Let us see if Jesus did any better."
Jesus entered a command, and the screen came to life in vivid display,
the voices of an angelic choir poured forth from the speakers.
Satan was astonished. He stuttered, "But how?! I lost everything, yet
Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"
God chuckled. "Jesus Saves" he said.
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| Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by:
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New Rule: Republicans trying to turn the Benghazi attacks into a
scandal that taints Hillary Clinton’s chances at a 2016 presidential
run must realize that scandals don’t weaken Hillary Clinton, they
only make her stronger. Travelgate, the Rose Law Firm, Whitewater,
Vince Foster, Monica Lewinsky… Hillary Clinton eats scandals for
breakfast. If the Republicans keep this up she’ll not only be
President, she’ll appoint Bill to the Supreme Court.
Bill Maher
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President Obama has been going around the country to rally support for
his economic plan, and yesterday he said that a lot of sectors of our
economy are doing better. When pressed for examples, Obama said, ‘Uh
— the Iron Man sequel sector?’
Jimmy Fallon
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The Statue of Liberty is reopening on July 4. It has been closed since
last year. What happened was she went in for lap band surgery.
David Letterman
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Chris Christie revealed a couple months ago that he had lap band
surgery. They’re speculating that he did this because they’re
thinking he’s going to run for president in 2016, and he couldn’t
unless he lost a lot of weight, and this procedure accomplishes that
because it surgically pinches off your stomach so you just can’t
eat. Because that’s what you want in a president, someone with
absolutely no will power, someone who says ‘I can literally not
contain myself’
Bill Maher
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| Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by:
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A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at Burger
King. He noticed that they ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup.
As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half,
then counted out the fries. One for him, one for her, until each had
half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra
cup, and set it in front of his wife. The old man began to eat, and
his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase
another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and
everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."
The young man than asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she
replied, "Not yet. It's his turn using the teeth."
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A trio of old veterans were bragging about the heroic exploits of
their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall.
"My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a
drummer boy at Shiloh."
"Mine," boasts another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little
Big Horn."
"I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but
if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man
in the world."
"Really? What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know.
"Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old."
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One summer evening a young son came in while his parents were setting
the table for supper. Quite surprisingly, he asked if he could help.
His mother said, "No, but I appreciate you asking."
The child responded, "Well, I appreciate you saying no."
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If you drop an accordion, a set of bagpipes and a viola off a 20-story
building, which one lands first?
Who cares?
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| Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by:
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The IRS has now admitted that they targeted conservative groups for
extra scrutiny. That’s why Mitt Romney wanted to be president so bad
— to keep the IRS off his back.
Jay Leno
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Well, congratulations, President Barack Obama, Conspiracy theorists
who generally can survive in anaerobic environments have just had an
algae bloom dropped on their freaking heads, thus removing the last
arrow in your pro-governance quiver: skepticism about your opponents.
Jon Stewart
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Folks this proves that everything I’ve ever said about Obama is
true. It’s official. He’s a secret Muslim, shape-shifting alien
from Kenya who is coming for our guns. And Bo is a member of the
Illuminati.
Stephen Colbert
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On Saturday, the West Wing of the White House was evacuated when an
overheated transformer set off a smoke alarm. Or as Obama put it,
‘Yeah, definitely check out that crazy transformer. Kind of smells
like Marlboro Lights.’
Jimmy Fallon
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*You've worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug
*You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee
*You've worn the finish off you coffee table
*The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you
*Starbuck's owns the mortgage on your house
*You're so wired you pick up FM radio
*Your life's goal is to "amount to a hill of beans"
*Instant coffee takes too long
*You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee
can
*You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar"
*Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position
*Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup
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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around
with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting Flies," he responded.
"Oh!, Killed any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
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NASA was interviewing professionals they were thinking of sending to
Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a
one-way trip, the guy not ever returning to Earth.
The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he
wanted to be paid for going. "One million dollars," the engineer
answered. "And I want to donate it all to my alma mater--Rice
University."
The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the
same question. "Two millions dollars," the doctor said. "I want to
give a million to my family and leave the other million for the
advancement of medical research."
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted,
he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."
"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.
The lawyer replied, "You give me three million, I'll give you one
million, I'll keep a million, and we'll send the engineer."
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While carpenters were working outside the old house I had just bought,
I busied myself with indoor cleaning. I had just finished washing the
floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom.
With dismay I looked from his muddy boots to my newly scrubbed floors.
"Just a minute," I said, thinking of a quick solution. "I'll put down
newspapers."
"That's all right, lady," he responded. "I'm already trained."
|
| Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by:
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Amazing non-toxic liquid kills cancer cells
It's one of the world's most powerful cancer cures, according to research conducted
by a scientist at the Detroit Institute of Cancer Research.
Even the mainstream National Cancer Institute has confirmed that this do-it-yourself
treatment kills cancer cells.
This FREE REPORT could save your life!
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I love what IRS commissioner Steve Miller said today about this whole
targeting conservative groups thing. He said, ‘Mistakes were made,
but they were in no way made with a political or partisan
motivation.’ Yeah, ‘Mistakes were made’ – try saying THAT
during your next IRS audit.
Jay Leno
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It was just revealed that the Department of Justice secretly recorded
the phone calls of AP journalists for two months. Obama promised
reporters that the incident will be immediately investigated – by
the Department of Justice.
Jimmy Fallon
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President Obama’s right in the middle of three scandals. The IRS
ratting out people it doesn’t like. Benghazi, number two. And they
say Obama has been phone tapping the AP. So three big scandals.
Here’s what I prefer: Weiner and Spitzer. Now those are scandals my
writers can really work with.
David Letterman
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Some Republicans are saying that due to his current scandals,
President Obama should be impeached. In response, Obama laughed and
said, ‘Two words fellas: President Biden.’
Conan O'Brien
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Weekday News and Features Digest
Get the
most popular news of the day, comic strips, and more every weekday in
the News and Features Digest.
Subscribers can look forward to the best of the ArcaMax line-up --
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Sincerely,
ArcaMax Editors
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