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1. Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you
say. Cats will ignore you and take a nap.
2. Cats look silly on a leash.
3. When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick your
face. Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place.
4. Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die. Cats
will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you
were born.
5. A dog knows when you're sad. And he'll try to comfort you. Cats
don't care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener
is.
6. Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will drop a dead mouse in
your slippers.
7. When you take them for a ride, dogs will sit on the seat next to
you. Cats have to have their own private basket, or they won't go at
all.
8. Dogs will come when you call them. And they'll be happy. Cats will
have someone take a message and get back to you.
9. Dogs will play fetch with you all day long. The only thing cats
will play with all day long are small rodents or bugs, preferably ones
that look like they're in pain.
10. Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly
sneak out the back door.
| Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by:
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- Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross
out the names and addresses of people you don't know.
- Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by
holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and
occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.
- Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to
fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
- No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the
dirt by simply peeling it off.
- Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red
nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you
have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be
selected).
- If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a
jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is
almost instantly removed.
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Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,
"Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied,
"Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a
beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the
ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes
probably wouldn't have fit."
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A lawyer had a jury trial in a very difficult business case. The
client, who had attended the trial, was out of town when the jury came
back with its decision, which was for the lawyer and his client.
The lawyer immediately sent a telegram to his client, reading,
"Justice has triumphed!"
The client wired back, "Appeal at once!"
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A grocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25 each -- three for a
dollar."
All day long, customers came in exclaiming: "Don't be ridiculous! I
should get four for a dollar!"
Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four eggplants. The tailor
next door had been watching these antics and finally asked the grocer,
"Aren't you going to fix the mistake on your sign?"
"What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that sign no one
ever bought more than one eggplant."
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| Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by:
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If you think Benghazi is worse than slavery, the Trail of Tears,
Japanese internment, Tuskegee, purposefully injecting Guatemalan
mental patients with syphilis, lying about WMDs, and the fact that
banks today are still foreclosing on mortgages they don’t own, then
your hard-on for Obama has lasted more than four hours, and you need
to call a doctor.
Bill Maher
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Top Ten Things I've Learned As A Late Show Intern
10. "Laugh at the jokes whether they're funny or not" (Randi Furman)
9. "Attention to detail is super implortant" (Emily Erotas)
8. "Buying 100% pure grain alcohol is not as easy as it sounds"
(Victoria Disque)
7. "There's no better way to work for free and
learn nothing about show business" (Sasha Lildharrie)
6. "Weekly
transfusions of our youthful blood keep Dave alive" (Paul Napoli)
5. "The camera loves me" (Kevin Noonan)
4. "It's more fun to
watch television than to work in television" (Sophie Boudreau)
3. "Snitches get stitches" (Jason Seligson)
2. "After several
months, you start to have feelings for the photocopier" (Neal
Fessler)
1. "I should've interned for a Jimmy" (Ryan Wilson)
David Letterman
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Most of the media resisted picking up the Fox News talking points
about Benghazi because they were made up, but now that’s there’s
three bull manure scandals that we’re in, we are so there. They are
so obsessed with this, Amanda Knox could fall down a well and get
eaten by a shark, they wouldn’t report it this week.
Bill Maher
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Doesn’t it matter that these are all bull manure? The Benghazi
scandal continues to fall apart. We found out today that Republicans
who leaked the emails last week changed the wording. No it doesn’t
matter because they’re in their bubble. That’s where they live. I
thought after the election that the bubble would become more
permeable. No, it’s like Chris Christie. Without corrective surgery,
it just gets thicker.
| Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by:
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Benghazi, IRS Targeting, Snooping on Journalists... Do You Trust Obama?
PersonalLiberty.com, America's #1 news site for independent-minded individuals is
conducting an urgent presidential poll to find out if you trust President Obama. Plus
we want to know if you think the Obama Administration is lying about the circumstances
of the three events in question. Thousands will vote, so take a moment right now to
stand up and be counted. Your opinion matters! Vote today
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A man walks into the sheriff's office... "I want to become a deputy!"
"Good, I want to you to catch this man" says the sheriff handling the
man a wanted poster.
The poster reads : 'Last seen wearing a brown paper hat, brown paper
shirt, brown paper pants, and brown paper boots.'
"What's he wanted for?" asked the hopeful yound man.
"Rustling."
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Returning home from work, Jamie was shocked to find that the house had
been ransacked and burglarized.
After telephoning the police, the dispatcher broadcast the call on the
radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, Jamie
ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog,
then sat down on the steps.
Incredulous, Jamie moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions
stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?"
"They send me a BLIND policeman!"
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Did you hear that someone broke into our local police station and
stole the toilet?
Right now the cops have nothing to go on.
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The Court of King George III
London, England
July 10, 1776
Mr. Thomas Jefferson
c/o The Continental Congress
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Dear Mr. Jefferson:
We have read your "Declaration of Independence" with great interest.
Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your
statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the
Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications
for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for
further refinement. The questions which follow might assist you in
your process of revision:
1. In your opening paragraph you use the phrase "the Laws of Nature
and Nature`s God." What are these laws? In what way are they the
criteria on which you base your central arguments? Please document
with citations from the recent literature.
2. In the same paragraph you refer to the "opinions of mankind." Whose
polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us
the "opinions of mankind" are a matter of opinion.
3. You hold certain truths to be "self-evident." Could you please
elaborate. If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be
difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics.
4. "Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" seem to be the goals
of your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say
that "among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy
in six of the 13 colonies of at last 55 years, and to enable
newspapers in the colonies to print news without outside interference,
and to raise the average income of the colonists by 10 percent in the
next 10 years," these could be measurable goals. Please clarify.
5. You state that "Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive
of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish
it, and to institute a new Government...." Have you weighed this
assertion against all the alternatives? What are the trade-off
considerations?
6. Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such
a long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not
follow it. Your problem statement needs improvement.
7. Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You
state that the colonies "ought to be Free and Independent States," and
that they are "Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown." Who
or what must change to achieve this objective? In what way must they
change? What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance?
How long will it take? We have found that a little foresight in these
areas helps to prevent careless errors later on. How cost-effective
are your strategies?
8.Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for
implementing your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the
theoretical research? Who will constitute the advisory committee?
Please submit an organization chart and vitas of the principal
investigators.
9. You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this
since Queen Anne`s War.
10. What impact will your problem have? Your failure to include any
assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long-range
prospects of your undertaking.
11. Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget,
and manpower utilization matrix.
We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your "Declaration
of Independence." We welcome the submission of your revised proposal.
Our due date for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776. Ten copies
with original signatures will be required.
Sincerely,
Management Analyst to the British Crown
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| Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by:
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Benghazi, IRS Targeting, Snooping on Journalists... Do You Trust Obama?
PersonalLiberty.com, America's #1 news site for independent-minded individuals is
conducting an urgent presidential poll to find out if you trust President Obama. Plus
we want to know if you think the Obama Administration is lying about the circumstances
of the three events in question. Thousands will vote, so take a moment right now to
stand up and be counted. Your opinion matters! Vote today
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Really, Tea Party? Really? You’re surprised that you’re targeted
by the IRS? You named yourself after a group of people who proudly and
historically violated tax laws! Look, if I had a vanity license plate
that said ‘Weed 420,’ I might expect to get pulled over now and
then.
Amy Poehler
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Sponsor
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And really, politics aside, should we be surprised that the IRS takes
special attention to the tax forms of the Tea Party? Judging from the
terrible spelling on their protest signs, attention to detail isn’t
really their thing.
Seth Meyers
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Time magazine found a picture of President Obama at his high school
prom back in 1979. Let me tell you how long ago that was. Back then,
Obama had to ask a girl for her phone number. He couldn't illegally
obtain it through the Justice Department.
Jay Leno
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Pope Francis said that atheists are still eligible to go to heaven. To
return the favor, atheists said Popes are still eligible to go into a
void of nothingness.
Conan O'Brien
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