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You Know You're From New York When...
You're 35 years old and don't have a driver's license.
You ride in a subway car with no air conditioning just because there are seats available.
You take the train home and you know exactly where on the platform the doors will open that will leave you right in front of the exit stairway.
You know what a "regular" coffee is.
It's not Manhattan...... It's the "city".
There is no north and south. It's "uptown" or "downtown." If you're really from New York you have absolutely no concept of where north and south are.... And east or west is "crosstown."
You cross the street anywhere but on the corners and you yell at cars for not respecting your right to do it.
You move 3,000 miles away, spend 10 years learning the local language and people still know you're from Brooklyn the minute you open your mouth.
You return after 10 years and the first foods you want are a "real" pizza and a "real" bagel.
A 500 square foot apartment is large.
You know the differences between all the different Ray's pizzas.
You are not under the mistaken impression that any human being would be able to actually understand a p.a. Announcement on the subway.
You wouldn't bother ordering pizza in any other city.
You get ready to order dinner every night and must choose from the major food groups which are: Chinese, Italian, Mexican or Indian.
You're not the least bit interested in going to Times Square on New Year's eve.
Your internal clock is permanently set to know when alternate side of the street parking regulations are in effect.
Someone bumps into you, and you check for your wallet.
You don't even notice the lady walking down the road having a perfectly normal conversation with herself.
You pay "only" $230 a month to park your car.
The presidential visit is a major traffic jam, not an honor.
You can nap on the subway and never miss your stop.
The deli guy gives you a straw with any beverage you buy, even if it's a beer.
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A husband asks his wife, "If I should die first would you marry again?"
"I would be heart-broken, of course," was her reply, "but I think eventually I would remarry."
"But you wouldn't bring him here to our house?"
"Why not? I've worked and slaved to make this house a home. There is no reason to abandon it."
"But you wouldn't sleep in our bed?"
"Well, I wouldn't run out and buy a new bed right away."
"Surely, you wouldn't let him use my golf clubs?"
"Of course not! He's lefthanded!"
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Since I had been selling water beds for almost four years, I thought I had heard every question imaginable. But then a customer asked me, "Can you deliver it filled with water?"
Stunned, I replied, "Are you kidding? It would weigh over twelve hundred pounds!"
After a short pause, she said, "Could you do it if I helped you carry it in?"
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- When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
- During your initial consultation, he tries to sell you Amway.
- He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."
- During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
- He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
- Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.
- He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.
- He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.
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Advice Columns -- Dear Abby, Nancy Grace, and more!
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