| Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by: |
|
|
|
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just Get Out Of The Way and leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
6. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
|
Sponsor
New For 2012! Medical Billing & Coding Programs
Top ONLINE program! Attend from home - day or night classes. Set your own hours and study online to earn Your Medical Billing and Coding Degree!
Financial Aid may be available if you qualify.
Find Out! Click here for free information
|
|
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?
His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home- cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.
"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."
"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother. "I think it's a wonderful gesture."
"We hadn't started eating yet."
|
|
Favorite Food
Dogs: kibbles
Computers: bits
Method used to end undesirable behavior
Dogs: hit with rolled up newspaper
Computers: hit control-alt-delete
After destruction of personal property
D: dog not found
C: file not found
Favorite trick
D: roll over
C: play dead
Comic-page hero
D: Dogbert
C: Dilbert
Fun way to mess with their heads
D: peanut butter on roof of mouth
C: peanut butter in CD-ROM drive
Consequence of virus
D: replace valuable carpeting
C: replace valuable data
Widely ignored government mandate
D: leash law
C: Communications Decency Act
Waste disposal tool
D: pooper-scooper
C: uninstaller (necessary only on Win-tel machines!)
Method of marking territory
D: lifting leg
C: "Designed for Windows XP"
Unique behavior
D: lick and drag
C: click-and-drag
Inexplicable physical feature
D: dewclaw
C: scroll lock key
Estimated lifespan
D: 12 years
C: 12 months
At end of useful life
D: euthanasia
C: tax deduction
|
|
Conversion Factors for your Digestion:
1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese Soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
7. 365.25 days of drinking low calorie beer = 1 Lite year
8. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
9. Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon
10. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
11. Basic unit of laryngitis - 1 hoarsepower
12. Shortest distance between two jokes - a straight line
13. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
14. 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
15. 1 million bicycles = 1 megacycle
16. 365 days = 1 unicycle
17. 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
18. 10 cards = 1 decacard
19. 52 cards = 1 deckacard
20. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
21. 1000 grams of wet socks = 1 literhosen
22. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
23. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
24. 10 rations = 1 decaration
25. 100 rations = 1 C-Ration
26. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
27. 8 nickels = 2 paradigms
28. 5 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 I.V. League
|
Horoscopes by E-Mail -- With New Forecast Edition
Get daily predictions for your star sign with a free subscription to ArcaMax Horoscopes. Every morning, you'll receive your horoscope for the day, as well as the positions of the planets and luminaries.
NEW: With a Horoscopes subscription, you will now receive the afternoon Horoscopes forecast edition (a custom version email unique to your individual sign). The afternoon edition offers you the next-day's forecast that includes your financial outlook, lucky lottery numbers, and love life outlook.
Subscribe to ArcaMax Horoscopes instantly.
-- From the ArcaMax editors |
Δεν υπάρχουν σχόλια:
Δημοσίευση σχολίου