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Dave went on a business trip for a few days. When he returned, his
wife reported that the dog really missed him. "She spent every night
at the front door, waiting for you to come home," she said.
"What an example of devotion," Dave replied. "I wonder if you'd be
that concerned about me?"
"Honey," she answered, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know
where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front
door."
Many Republicans want President Obama to fire Attorney General Eric
Holder after he seemed to contradict himself under oath. When asked if
he’s worried, Holder said, ‘Yes. I mean, no’
Jimmy Fallon
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Sponsor
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President Obama says he is renewing his efforts to close Guantanamo
Bay. How about closing the IRS? Why don’t we do that? How about
shipping the IRS to Guantanamo Bay?
Jay Leno
|
This week President Obama is going to be engaged in high-level talks
with the president of China. Yes, President Obama’s message to China
is going to be, ‘I swear we’ll have the money for you by
Tuesday’.
Conan O'Brien
|
The Supreme Court ruled that police have the right to take DNA
samples. Every time there’s new technology in law enforcement,
people get uneasy. I’m sure people were against fingerprinting when
it started in the late 1800s. I’ll have to ask Larry King. He was
probably around then.
Craig Ferguson
|
Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules.
Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.
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Sponsor
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If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only
save one of them, would you: (1) go to lunch or (2) read the paper?
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A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes
an expensive fur coat. "This year," she says, "I think that I will buy
my present instead of making you and dad shop for me." The daughter
nods in agreement. "And I think this fur coat would be perfect too."
The daughter protests, "But mom, some helpless, poor creature has to
suffer so that you can have this."
"Don't worry honey," says the mother, "your father won't get the bill
for a couple of weeks."
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An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house
in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady
opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs
inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning this
up, I'll eat every chunk of it."
She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"
The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"
She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned
on yet."
|
|
Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules.
Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.
|
Sponsor
|
|
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only
save one of them, would you: (1) go to lunch or (2) read the paper?
|
|
A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes
an expensive fur coat. "This year," she says, "I think that I will buy
my present instead of making you and dad shop for me." The daughter
nods in agreement. "And I think this fur coat would be perfect too."
The daughter protests, "But mom, some helpless, poor creature has to
suffer so that you can have this."
"Don't worry honey," says the mother, "your father won't get the bill
for a couple of weeks."
|
|
An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house
in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady
opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs
inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning this
up, I'll eat every chunk of it."
She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"
The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"
She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned
on yet."
| Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by:
|
(June 13, 2013) - Do not pay your car insurance bill... until you read this.
Out of all 246 auto insurers, we found these important "hidden" discounts.
* After reporting on the hidden discounts, 789,000 drivers
used this one tip to get extreme insurance discounts.
* Recently reported: if you're just with "any" auto insurer,
you may be overpaying by 75%.
Click here -- to see the insurance discounts you'll get.
|
|
For forty years we have studied bird calls . There are so many
different species , and to make it more difficult they have
territorial accents just like people do.
The really amazing thing is, we have translated all of their calls.
And the message is always the same. No matter the breed or the
location, the message is always the same:
"Yah! Yah! Yah! Cats can't fly!"
|
Sponsor
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A fifth generation farmer has determined that his son will be the
first in their family to go to college. So he and the wife save every
penny for years and when the big day comes for junior to leave for
school, the old man is the proudest he's ever been.
After the first semester junior comes home for Christmas break and the
old man sits him down for a talk. "Well, boy, you been at school for
three months now, I want you to tell me some of that fancy book
learnin'."
So junior says, "My favorite class is math, pa. Just last week we
learned a new formula...Pi r squared."
At hearing this the old man screws up his eyes and smacks his
forehead, "Dog gone-it! I spent all that money on schooling and all
you can tell me is Pi r squared? Why everybody know pie are
round...CORNBREAD are squared!"
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"It's time to see how clearly you can think," the teacher said to his
class. "Now, listen carefully, and think about what I'm saying. I'm
thinking of a person who has the same mother and father as I have. But
this person is not my brother and not my sister. Who is it?"
The kids in the class furrowed their brows, scratched their heads, and
otherwise showed how hard they were thinking. But no one came up with
the right answer.
When everyone in the class had given up, the teacher announced, "The
person is me."
Little Jeffrey beamed at learning the answer. "That's a good one," he
said to himself. "I'll have to try that on Mom and Dad."
At dinner that night, little Jeffrey repeated the riddle to his
parents. "I'm thinking of a person who has the same mother and father
as I have," he said. "But this person isn't my brother and isn't my
sister. Who is it?"
His parents furrowed their brows, scratched their heads, and otherwise
pretended that they were thinking hard. Then they both said, "I give
up. Who is it?"
"It's my teacher!" Jeffrey said.
|
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The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got
their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe,
look towards the sky; what do you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What's that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically
speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially
billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it
appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small
and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What's it tell you, Tonto?"
Tonto is silent for a moment, then he says, "Kemo Sabe, someone has
stolen our tent!"
| Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by:
|
(June 13, 2013) - Do not pay your car insurance bill... until you read this.
Out of all 246 auto insurers, we found these important "hidden" discounts.
* After reporting on the hidden discounts, 789,000 drivers
used this one tip to get extreme insurance discounts.
* Recently reported: if you're just with "any" auto insurer,
you may be overpaying by 75%.
Click here -- to see the insurance discounts you'll get.
|
|
|
The mystery is over. After a month of waiting, it turns out that an
84-year-old woman in Florida has won the $590 million Powerball
lottery. As for how much tax she’s going to have to pay, the IRS
said it’s too early to tell because they don’t know whether
she’s a Republican or Democrat.
Jay Leno
|
Sponsor
|
The IRS spent $4 million on a conference in Anaheim that included
luxury hotel suites, passes to theme parks, and tickets to sporting
events. They say they’re not sure of the exact amount they spent
because they didn’t keep any receipts. I think Wesley Snipes is
saying, ‘Hey, what about me? I didn’t have my receipts’.
Jay Leno
|
President Obama has called on Congress to pass a media shield law that
would allow reporters to do their job without fear of government
prosecution. Don’t we already have that? It’s called the First
Amendment.
Jay Leno
|
Last night at a fundraiser in Washington, First Lady Michele Obama got
into a heated face-to face confrontation with a heckler who turned out
to be a lesbian. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said this story just
keeps on getting hotter and hotter.
Conan O'Brien
| Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by:
|
Weird Food KILLS Blood Pressure...
Thousands of citizens concerned with high blood pressure and heart disease
have already discovered this strange food that is being touted as a
"Marine Miracle" by America's top doctors. Help your body cure itself from
the "silent killer" known as hypertension and heart disease.
Click Here Now to watch this free video that could save your life! [video] |
|
There was a man driving down the road behind an 18 wheeler, at every
stoplight the trucker would get out of the cab, run back and bang on
the trailer door. After seeing this at several intersections in a row
the motorist followed him until he pulled into a parking lot.
When they both had come to a stop the truck driver once again jumped
out and started banging on the trailer door. The motorist went up to
him and said, "I don't mean to be nosey but why do you keep banging on
that door?"
To which the trucker replied, "Sorry, can't talk now, I have 20 tons
of canaries and a 10 ton limit, so I have to keep half of them flying
at all times."
|
Sponsor
|
|
A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of wheat on the road.
The farmer that lived nearby came to investigate.
"Hey, Willis," he called out, "forget your troubles for a while and
come and have dinner with us. Then I'll help you overturn the wagon."
"That's very nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Dad
would like me to."
"Aw, come on, son!" the farmer insisted.
"Well, OK," the boy finally agreed, "but Dad won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked the host. "I feel a lot better
now, but I know Dad's going to be real upset."
"Don't be silly!" said the neighbor. "By the way, where is he?"
"Under the wagon," replied Willis.
|
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- Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his
favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.
- A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A
hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your
toes.
- The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges.
Steer clear of those named for landfills.
- When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you
something to wipe your nose on.
- Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine
a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do
not go into the woods alone.
- A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.
- A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side
dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent
hockey puck.
- In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by
shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband
of your underwear.
|
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A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker
to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a
lawyer."
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing,
for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the
stone. However he suggested an alternative:
He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer."
That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they
would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"
|
| Jokes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by:
|
Weird Food KILLS Blood Pressure...
Thousands of citizens concerned with high blood pressure and heart disease
have already discovered this strange food that is being touted as a
"Marine Miracle" by America's top doctors. Help your body cure itself from
the "silent killer" known as hypertension and heart disease.
Click Here Now to watch this free video that could save your life! [video] |
|
|
This whistleblower is all over TV. His name is Edward Snowden, and
he's very pleased with himself. He says he doesn't want to live in a
society where the society monitors its people. And then he fled to
China.
David Letterman
|
Sponsor
|
Last week it was revealed that the National Security Agency has spied
on Americans' phone records and Internet history for years. Yesterday,
the source of the leak said he's hiding out in Hong Kong, marking the
first time anyone has ever said, 'I don't want to be punished by the
government – so I guess I'll go to China.'
Jimmy Fallon
|
Pope Francis said it is a sin for people to waste food. He made that
proclamation and then he made Chris Christie a saint.
Conan O'Brien
|
|
People are asking how this Snowden guy could download all this
classified information and give it to a British newspaper without the
NSA knowing about it. I think I know the answer. If you don't want the
NSA spying on you, get a job working at the NSA. That's how it works.
| okes by ArcaMax, sponsored today by:
|
Congratulations! You've been selected to participate in My Exclusive Rewards'
Choose a Gift promotion. Get an Apple(R) product, details apply.
Choose between the revolutionary iPad(R) with powerful A6X
chip, or the iPad mini(TM) with a vivid 7.9 inch display.
To choose your gift, please follow this link. |
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Q: What can you steal and not get in trouble?
A: Second base.
Q: Why did the policeman arrest the baseball player?
A: He stole
second base.
|
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If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is
no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is
it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be
removed?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
|
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What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered
plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
clean them?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
|
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If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
remain silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
|
nt the
NSA spying on you, get a job working at the NSA. That's how it works.
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